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142,240 Literary Works • 677,070 Reviews
Like the person above me said (sorry, I don't remember your user name) the rhythm leaves a bit to be desired. I read it out loud like I do with everything I review and it just didn't flow as well as it could. Rhyming is hard and while I prefer at times to write rhyming poetry, sometimes non-rhyming has better rhythm; like the person above me said (still don't remember your user name :/) perhaps you could fix that by lengthening and shortening your sentences and number of syllables accordingly. The story was good, though.
I like the story in the poem, however I found it hard to find a rythm like how I should read it. The thing that caused that problem is that you have some very long sentences but others are very short. The first and second part were ok, but I struggled a lot with the last part. So maybe if you have more sentences with the same length, the same amount of syllables it would be easier to read. The poem isn't bad, don't get me wrong, but if I could find a rythm in it, it would be even better!
Keep on writing