But you can't because the time plays again and again.
Every. Single. Day.
Five more times you did it too,
Until one day I was through.
I told you no and ran away,
I wonder what you thought
I would say?
For 4 long years you got your break,
Until I had to finally speak.
Not long after I was made to tell,
In detailed words about my hell.
The hell that you created for us,
In all your genius and amazing luck.
Many girls you affected in your life.
You should be ashamed for causing
such grief and strife.
I would like say I forgive your ways,
But I can't so I am left with but only one thing to say.
Redemption value
is coming your way,
Sooner or later you will sway.
What you deserve will be served,
Without sympathy,
No soul will feel an ounce of empathy.
Now girls lay your heads
upon this pillow
which rests upon this bed.
Because we have been
wronged by you,
I hope you feel the sadness too.
Without your sick hands
or twisted mind.
We will all stand up
leaving you and this pain behind.
Spoiler! :
In case anyone has any thoughts or questions about what this poem it is about child molestors and such, especially certain cases where the molesters are part of the family and manipulate the young boys and girls in order for them to cooperate. But this especially is written for my family, thanks for reading! Peace,
First thing: are you trying to rhyme or not? It looks like you were trying, but it comes off as irregular and pretty clumsy, and generally detracts from the poem as a whole. I'd suggest either reworking this so that every line would rhyme in a regular manner, or (preferably) just get rid of it altogether, as it'd save you the sort of awkward formulation that cripples lines like "Tonight on this pillow I will lie my head. / I will ponder and dwell upon your cruel deeds," which sound, to be honest, pretty terrible.
As Isha said, this is pretty dry, emotions-wise.
Not long after I was made to tell, In detailed words about my hell. The hell that you created for us, In all your genius and amazing luck.
Example here. My reaction on reading this stanza is not "oh my, how horrible" or "okay, he's a jerk", but "oookay, how was it hell and why do I care?" It's not enough to just say it like, not when you haven't given us any particular reason to connect to the narrator and only recriminate in broad strokes, with no real detail that would strike us. You don't want to smother your reader in specific-yet-oddly-vague accusations, you want to cut. Wanna get back at that guy? Then be sharp.
Also, and this is tiny but: "evil" is a word that, 90% of the time, completely snaps me out of any sympathy I might have been building. Now was not one of the 10%. Consider excising it.
I really liked this. I was chuckling the whole way through.
Oh, dear, that sounded bad.
I was chuckling because it reminds me of a guy in our theatre troupe who likes to sleep around and goes after Freshmen (he's a senior, blegh).
But it was really great. It was awful depressing, but whatever. I personally felt sorry for the poor girl in the poem, and I just usually don't feel for people in poems.
First thing's first. I'll start by saying that I disagree with Canbe about the length thing -- I often find that long poems are better. But anyways, I won't write you a whole review about the length of your poem.
No, what I wanted to nit-pick and pry at was the emotion and the message. It was an okay poem I suppose, but it was majorly lacking in a few things. The emotion was obvious, and it had its up moments, but for the most part I found it to be a bit dry. I don't want you to flat-out-prett-much-tell-me how you feel - I want you to show me.
The thing about this, though, is running into cliches. While describing emotions and such, be careful to avoid them. (In other words -- descriptions that you're used to reading in print - avoid them)
Also, I sort of found that the point of this poem was a bit over-used and cliche. Like I said, it had its up moments, but the whole subject is hard to get around in an original way. I know the message you're trying to get at - and it's a decent message to want to get out, but still. You need to pick and emotion, and throughout the poem, describe it in a bit of a subtle sense.
Anyways, this poem was okay, and it could use work, but so could everything else.
This is very bitter. It fills me with sorrow, in a way, but makes me want to fight against this sick person. Whoo!
There's so much emotion in this piece, and a lot of words. I seemed to skim through it instead of actually reading it because the lines were so long. I had to read your poem twice.The thing about poetry is that, with the right word, you don't need the full sentence there to support it. It's very.. to the point. Like summarizing, with emotion and a cherry on top!(:
So, anyways, my only nitpick was the length. Lengthy poems are okay and I have a few myself, but you have to get the length the right way. Enrich my reading with delightful words that drape over each line so that I'm craving to read more. Make the emotion in your poem crescendo in brutality until you're practically screaming about redemption in the reader's face, and then bottle it up into the last stanza, the last line, the last word in your poem so suddenly that the reader finds themselves leaned over in their chair blinking, and then realizes that they need to read it again! Make the first line enticing.
I could tear apart this piece, because it creates such a vivid story... but it'd end up sounding like me, and not you. So I'll leave it to you! Please PM me if you modify it in any way so I can read over it and give you my advice... if you liked what I gave you! (haha)
I hope I helped!
Love, Fixed
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I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good... then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness. — Leo Tolstoy
Hey there snicker,
First thing: are you trying to rhyme or not? It looks like you were trying, but it comes off as irregular and pretty clumsy, and generally detracts from the poem as a whole. I'd suggest either reworking this so that every line would rhyme in a regular manner, or (preferably) just get rid of it altogether, as it'd save you the sort of awkward formulation that cripples lines like "Tonight on this pillow I will lie my head. / I will ponder and dwell upon your cruel deeds," which sound, to be honest, pretty terrible.
As Isha said, this is pretty dry, emotions-wise.
Example here. My reaction on reading this stanza is not "oh my, how horrible" or "okay, he's a jerk", but "oookay, how was it hell and why do I care?" It's not enough to just say it like, not when you haven't given us any particular reason to connect to the narrator and only recriminate in broad strokes, with no real detail that would strike us. You don't want to smother your reader in specific-yet-oddly-vague accusations, you want to cut. Wanna get back at that guy? Then be sharp.
Also, and this is tiny but: "evil" is a word that, 90% of the time, completely snaps me out of any sympathy I might have been building. Now was not one of the 10%. Consider excising it.
Jag
I really liked this. I was chuckling the whole way through.
Oh, dear, that sounded bad.
I was chuckling because it reminds me of a guy in our theatre troupe who likes to sleep around and goes after Freshmen (he's a senior, blegh).
But it was really great. It was awful depressing, but whatever. I personally felt sorry for the poor girl in the poem, and I just usually don't feel for people in poems.
Great job, yo.
'Ello Snicker.
First thing's first. I'll start by saying that I disagree with Canbe about the length thing -- I often find that long poems are better. But anyways, I won't write you a whole review about the length of your poem.
No, what I wanted to nit-pick and pry at was the emotion and the message. It was an okay poem I suppose, but it was majorly lacking in a few things. The emotion was obvious, and it had its up moments, but for the most part I found it to be a bit dry. I don't want you to flat-out-prett-much-tell-me how you feel - I want you to show me.
The thing about this, though, is running into cliches. While describing emotions and such, be careful to avoid them. (In other words -- descriptions that you're used to reading in print - avoid them)
Also, I sort of found that the point of this poem was a bit over-used and cliche. Like I said, it had its up moments, but the whole subject is hard to get around in an original way. I know the message you're trying to get at - and it's a decent message to want to get out, but still. You need to pick and emotion, and throughout the poem, describe it in a bit of a subtle sense.
Anyways, this poem was okay, and it could use work, but so could everything else.
Let me know if you tweak it anymore, yes?
~~Cass
This is very bitter. It fills me with sorrow, in a way, but makes me want to fight against this sick person. Whoo!
There's so much emotion in this piece, and a lot of words. I seemed to skim through it instead of actually reading it because the lines were so long. I had to read your poem twice.The thing about poetry is that, with the right word, you don't need the full sentence there to support it. It's very.. to the point. Like summarizing, with emotion and a cherry on top!(:
So, anyways, my only nitpick was the length. Lengthy poems are okay and I have a few myself, but you have to get the length the right way. Enrich my reading with delightful words that drape over each line so that I'm craving to read more. Make the emotion in your poem crescendo in brutality until you're practically screaming about redemption in the reader's face, and then bottle it up into the last stanza, the last line, the last word in your poem so suddenly that the reader finds themselves leaned over in their chair blinking, and then realizes that they need to read it again! Make the first line enticing.
I could tear apart this piece, because it creates such a vivid story... but it'd end up sounding like me, and not you. So I'll leave it to you! Please PM me if you modify it in any way so I can read over it and give you my advice... if you liked what I gave you! (haha)
I hope I helped!
Love,
Fixed