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Mari Onette

by skorlir


I
cannot pull against the strings that tug my shoulders
up
because I stand alone
but
not on my own

this behavior I cannot control
the interactions between
molecules
between my ears that are
tugged so
slightly, pulled by
the lightning jolting
through the strings
soldering
membranes to
my temples ache
the sacrosanct
my mind
I bank
upon the curvature of forgotten mathematics
and realize
that
there
is something
a calculus among the neurons
a blockage in the system

talking to the spirits in front of me
I wonder
at the strings that shiver quietly
invisibly
above them, tantalizing in their
insincerity
words are eardrum therapy
the pounding therein
again
pulsing through the system
the mallets attached
at the last
to the clouds of tangled leads above
the invisible ties that
hold
us up

we are brittle thinkers
lost
with aging
as our minds so slowly
lose their rhythm
the lightning sulks
the strings
desensitize
and the words we speak
vaporize
left to only
aromatics
as the hairs grow
from our noses
eclectic
electric
tangling themselves
among themselves
into the air
that breathes us out

fall into another
embrace
not so insincere
as the ties that cloud my
head
which nonetheless
is filled with nonsense
is stuffed
with
calculus
what was a bud
has blossomed
into a weight that
I cannot bear
but neither can
the strings that twinge in agony
above me
in the air

yes, they catch me
but no,
they
cannot pull against the strings that tug my shoulders
up
so still I stand alone
but
not on my own


alternative titles include, but are not limited to, the less gender-neutral pseudonyms "Mario Netté" and "Marie O'Nett."


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User avatar
13 Reviews


Points: 810
Reviews: 13

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Sun Aug 31, 2014 9:13 pm
skermitz wrote a review...



Hiya Skorlir!!
I absolutely ADORED this poem.
I love how the title made sense the moment I read the first stanza, but until then, had just been random.
I love how you describe how the marionette stands alone but is not alone.
How it's burdens are also someone else's...
I love the writing style and the short stanzas, that make me think of a marionette jerking around in the air, reciting your poem.
Sorry, I'm not in a critical mood today, so my admiration will just have to do...
Happy writing,
Skermitz




User avatar
594 Reviews


Points: 106
Reviews: 594

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Wed Aug 27, 2014 11:19 pm
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fortis wrote a review...



Heyo skor!
I'm here to save this from the ravenous clutches of the green room!
I read the first stanza and said "hey that's a marionette!" Then I glanced at the title. oh. But you got your point across very clearly.

SO.
I enjoyed this poem very much. The way you have it all separated with short lines and such interrupted my reading and comprehension a bit, but I can see why you did it. It gives the lines a much more jerky feel, just like a marionette. That said, I think you could maintain that jerky feel and make some parts easier to read. The short lines got a bit monotonous, and towards the middle I got to that one state of mind where you read something but you're not really reading it, your eyes are just following the words. When I "woke up" from that, (I was in the "brittle thinkers" stanza) I had no idea what was going on. I reread the last couple lines and I realized that the short lines had put emphasis on everything, so I didn't know where the sentence had come from, where it was going, or what it was trying to say.
Maybe you could make the more confusing, conceptual parts with a little bit longer lines? Marionettes are not always jerky. They can be graceful. Especially if the puppet wants to do what the puppet master wants to do.

With all that said about the structure, I really loved the content. That's why I wanted it to be more easily understood with longer lines. Because I think everyone should read and understand this. It's lovely.
I liked the parts with the "calculus going on between your ears," but I can't say I really understand it more than there is important stuff going on in their mind. The way I read it, I guess, is that they can't control their own thoughts, and they're thinking of math. So someone's forcing them to think about math. gee, that sounds familiar

My favorite stanza was the one I had to reawaken for, the brittle thinkers one. I loved the eclectic/electric bit.

I really only have praise for the content. Good job. ^_^
Good job, keep writing! I enjoy these eclectic, electric poems.
~fortis
(and yes, bananas totally should be a genre)




skorlir says...


Thanks, Fortis!
Another definition for calculus, by the way:
a concretion of minerals formed within the body, especially in the kidney or gallbladder.



fortis says...


Whut.
AND IM TAKING PRECALCULUS.
excuse me I think I need to see my gastroenterologist.



skorlir says...


It took me a moment, but that's pretty good! Ha!



User avatar
41 Reviews


Points: 663
Reviews: 41

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Wed Aug 27, 2014 2:59 pm
brielle wrote a review...



I like this Poem, but why do you have only one word following bye a line like this
"so still I stand alone
BUT
not on my own. i couldnt stand that but that you. love the description in you work. I cloud feel the vibe in these poem.
"I
cannot pull against the strings that tug my shoulders
up
because I stand alone
but
not on my own." i like it alot very unqiue your own style of creativey. I felt like like i was in it. the poem was Good, were i couldnt stand it. because my ears and my mind i felt that. and if you want a tittle what about "i'M NOT ALONE," or maybe "pULLING OR TUGGING ME. or "I stand alone but not on my own" because you use it alot. So if you are tying to find a tittle try looking into your poem. and think of words that would go alone with it.





pain is that feeling when you are feeling hurt, but it never goes away leaving me hurt. oh it hurts.
— Dragonthorn