... I really usually like to fine tune my poems more than this before posting. Alas. I guess I'll leave an A/N: please don't bother me with grammar suggestions or opinions, but rather provide, if you can or will, pointed suggestions or flow/style corrections. Also I couldn't come up with a title, please deal with that privately (I know I will). Shanks.
tune to new register
heartstrings taut and pulling
aching against the stiff neck (sternum) of this
instrument within
and singing, now
squealing
screaming - burning! under
the tender brush your fingers—ah!
no; i cannot
now
gasps
all
I can
manage
over
passion furor
tourniquet
on my
stomach, turning
instants spurning
age and time; the
second hand lost
between her thighs
agony!— imagined sighs
expands my
head expands my
mind; what
homestead lost:
sanity, that
only keeps me
mad, this
yearning for
equanimity
rails against your
supercili
osity; oh, my
lead-thick mind befallen
of the grave curiosity you've called in
to my being; mangling
all my thoughts as
flotsam flowing
unbecoming
from my pen onto
pages
wrought in sorry shavings of my
skull you've
left
to me hardly naught at all
your
blackening
heart demanding
everything
subsuming love I've never given
imagined times we'll never spend
fractured fantasies
do not mend
incomplete, it
with broken passages, replete with
"I can manage only this"
or perhaps the spirit of it,
at least
in essence
so
"you've got
mail?"
yes, present.
please don't judge me for
my parents.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hello.
Right from the beginning I knew this would be a strange poem. In a good way of course. I was confused a little because it seemed your theme/mood was changing quite a bit. I did enjoy the word choice. You seem to be an intelligent person. The stanzas are alternating lengths a lot, but that is okay if you wanted them to change. It just changed the feel of the poem a lot, which is actually sometimes a good thing.
The vocab was nice.
that is all
Hello.
Right from the beginning I knew this would be a strange poem. In a good way of course. I was confused a little because it seemed your theme/mood was changing quite a bit. I did enjoy the word choice. You seem to be an intelligent person. The stanzas are alternating lengths a lot, but that is okay if you wanted them to change. It just changed the feel of the poem a lot, which is actually sometimes a good thing.
The vocab was nice.
that is all
Right off the bat, the flow of this is...weird. It cuts off in the middle of phrases, and just feels a bit choppy. It reminded me of when you're on the phone with a friend and suddenly they start cutting out, so you only hear part of what they're saying.
Also, you change from a normal stanza format to a strange one word stanza that just came out of nowhere and just felt weirdly out of place. Then you follow that until you get to the ninth (maybe, idk)stanza, where you return the normal format, before switching it again halfway through the last to the strange format. This needs to be looked at. I'm not saying change it, but, try and make it more of a flowing pattern. Maybe do two of normal, two of strange, then repeat. By doing that, then the strange format will make more sense.
Other than that, you have a great poem here. It has a great meaning, the vocabulary is lovely, and I think that if you were able to just reformat some things, you'll have a wonderful piece.
Keep writing.
~Maddie
To all those things: yes, it is.