I dreamt what a dream, as a tenderness I want but am wont not to touch…
How abstract an idea can become
how fluid, unreal a memory
familiarity and dream, a bastard reality
But what, frame or falsity, is meant
when the mind cannot grant recompense
for the ticks passed by, lost with a sigh
No sigh! Breathe back in the thoughts that fly
listlessly lilting away from my eye
Reflect on those features, know the ache nigh
And it hits, but it does, and not a moment compose
but paints agony ‘pon this wretched repose
(To stand on exhalations of thoughts ill spent
Is trying to make reparations, but you cannot repent)
Deal, peal after peal, strike after blow
apart from this mien is carried its glow
The sun its companion, it races below
As white paper draws fluid, on comes the absence
A beauty is gesturing edging my glance
and so does it dance, under my bed
and so does it pound, empty, my head
Tittering, skittering, figures which flow
aimlessly throughout the channels below
Below recognition, beyond comprehension
So desperate am I, outside my volition
A yawn, what alarm, escaping from harm
cannot I go with it; exhale my own form
But not can it be
shorn from me, all dreams
I’m apart at the seams
I bear myself restlessly into these beams
And so high they seem, those dancers, the ceiling
but to reach out, to touch them, with a prick, I am reeling-
And into the covers and under it shudders and
find in my hand such a figure that mutters and
flits, wit quick, and with such abandon, and
trills as it slips through the cracks in this canyon
Canyon – what canyon – on what am I standing
But standing, I fall
I am so small
So small, but am not, and I lay on the rocks
The rocks, such salvation, the water berates them
What water, whereupon, whose lighthouse is shone?
Glittering horizon - no lighthouse;
what bone
to a dog in such thirst, its very aspect forlorn
How, salty sun, shining end to the night
so dryly I find my own form, lying tight
Beside me, untied me, and letting me by
I cannot just leave it, lost sense, I may cry
How poetically stupid my mind
How, bereft of time, idiotic, it pines
Yet no, cease the thought, no figure’d I find
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I like this poem, it's fun though I am little dirstracted by what is it about exactly. I want to know how idea and memory connects that crazy adventure you tells us about.
also here are spots where rhyming doesn't work. (sorry)
"As the whiteness draws fluid, on comes the absence
A beauty is gesturing edging my glance"
"Below recognition, beyond comprehension
So desperate am I, outside my volition"
"A yawn, what alarm, escaping from harm
Cannot I go with it; exhale my own form"
I understand that it is a little... undefined. I agree.
However I contend that the rhymes you pointed out still flow. Absence and glance do rhyme, although the lines do not match perfectly. Perhaps that is room for revision. And "recognition" rhymes at a slant with "volition," although it can be a little sneaky. "harm" and "form" actually do not rhyme, I agree. But it's like using "good" and "food" together - they still fit somewhat. That's the idea, at least.
Thanks for your thoughts,
~Skorlir
I like this poem, it's fun though I am little dirstracted by what is it about exactly. I want to know how idea and memory connects that crazy adventure you tells us about.
also here are spots where rhyming doesn't work. (sorry)
"As the whiteness draws fluid, on comes the absence
A beauty is gesturing edging my glance"
"Below recognition, beyond comprehension
So desperate am I, outside my volition"
"A yawn, what alarm, escaping from harm
Cannot I go with it; exhale my own form"
About the Authorskorlir
Posts: 11
Reviews: 20
Age: Unknown
Member since April 14, 2013
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Hiya skorlir! Sorry for the delay, but here to review as requested
As a side note, I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, but I'll try my best to express my opinions on it and what I think could improve it.
My first impressions of this was that you need to add stanzas! Without it, it makes it simply difficult for the readers to read. Also, your vocabulary and language is lovely, however I don't think it was used in the right way at all times. I'll go into more detail now...
Now obviously with poetry, there doesn't really have to be a clear message or subject behind it, but with this I'm not really getting a sense of what it's about. It just sometimes seemed like a whole load of fancy words were put together which made it sounds quite interesting, but then when you think about it, I wasn't really sure what was happening.
Secondly, the title is a bit odd. It doesn't really make sense. After reading the poem the first time, I thought I'd look at the title to help give a clear message of what was going on, but I still didn't feel it. I understand that it looks quite sophisticated to read, but I really feel that it just doesn't really make sense or relate to them poem.
I think the main issue as I mentioned before is just it's all is one big cluster which makes it incredibly difficult to read. I think you need to break it up into different stanzas, and you don't need to go for a boring four line stanza, you can be different and do something different, however I think it definitely needs to be broken down a bit.
When reading this, I've find the pacing/meter it slightly off because I guess the syllable count just isn't regular enough. I have found this to be the case especially with the first section as it drags quite a bit. I'm not saying each line needs to have the same amount of syllables, but they need to be kind of similar. To watch out for this, read your poem aloud so you can see where it doesn't really sound right or flow properly.
Overall, I think this poem has lots of potential, but just needs to be polished a bit. Sorry if this review wasn't very helpful- as I said earlier I'm not very good with poetry reviews- but I tried my best! PM me with questions or if you'd like another review!
Keep writing!
-Arc
The missing stanzas I must have been inserting mentally - certainly a copy/paste faux pas. Thanks for pointing that out!
If there are any specific points at which you find the pacing/meter off, please feel free to point them out.
You know the old saying, stick in another's eye; but a rod in your own... I can't see it!
This poem could be condensed. I understand that it is a dream, and I appreciate the very Dr. Seussian rhyme pattern, but it carries the reader too far away from reality without really putting them back down again. Reading this out loud would help with smoothing things out. The first section of this poem is a drag to read, mainly because of how broken up it is without any actual periods. We need periods. They help complete one thought and without one thought complete, the sentence can run on for hours, with the connections that it makes, and those connections can be connotations with no real concrete description, or the periods can just simply break up two sentences which can run on for hours. It really helps the brain to pause, collect, and continue when we have periods.
With that said, I'm going to take this first part of your poem and point out a few things. These are lines 1-5.
First, this is multiple sentences. Lines 1, and 2-4 can be two separate sentences. According to your capitalization, each line is it's own sentence, but the sentence, "When the mind cannot grant recompense" is really not very clear. Typically when you have when, there's another half to that statement. Creating punctuation can help with reading.
Personally, taking from Audy's handbook, I'd say cut the majority of the first line. It gives a rough overview, and it is nice language, but it doesn't really start the poem in a way that truly seems to represent the stream of consciousness that you ended up with. Start the poem with "How fluid, unreal a memory/familiaraity and dream, a bastard reality." This really seems to sink into what the poem is about to me. Also, most YWSrs don't capitalize the front of every line. Some don't even capitalize anything, but I find that's too messy for me to stand. I like to follow the syntax of a sentence. If the sentence wouldn't have that word capitalized, then it isn't capitalized. This helps people reading poems know when capitalization is actually due to importance of a word and when it is just for punctuation.
So my overall suggestion, go through the poem and really question if you need this analogy in the poem. I'm not sure that you need the things within the (parenthesis) or all of these lines that go through 'where did this come from?' It isn't very often that people dreaming actually ask why they're standing on a camel in the river on the turtle's back, crouched under the bridge that is actually a dishpan bent out of shape. They just accept it and move on with the story. This will get rid of some of the 'jerkiness' that is experienced at the end. Also, don't get so caught up in the Dr. Seuss rhymes. It's alright to Not rhyme every once in a while. It will actually shock the readers and really put emphasis on things if you do pause in your rhyming or make it less predictable. In trimming down the poem, consider what doesn't work syntactically as sentences, and cut those.
Personally my favorite lines are these two:
The reason why is because you accept the rhyme, and then move on. You don't drag over it with paradoxical statements that seem to just be put in the poem to remind us that this is a dream. An example of that is this section here:
We could simply move on from the canyon comment and go to something like this: "But standing I fall, and fear I must crawl, but I am so small. I give, lay on the rocks..."
I don't like repeating things like "Canyon,/Canyon - what canyon..." We have a big enough vocabulary to bridge that gap and create a new word for it, a new descriptor and you definitely have a large vocabulary.
So watch the repetition, the overt rhyming, and paradoxes. I think that will help improve this poem.
Appreciate it greatly.
That was not rough or pathetic. Even though it was written very long, and it took me a while to read, it was a great poem. I think, if you took a little time and put some of the poem lines that match up either far away, or get rid of some of them, it would be an awesome poem. keep up the good work!
Thanks, Anadir!
I like this poem, it's fun though I am little dirstracted by what is it about exactly. I want to know how idea and memory connects that crazy adventure you tells us about.
also here are spots where rhyming doesn't work. (sorry)
"As the whiteness draws fluid, on comes the absence
A beauty is gesturing edging my glance"
"Below recognition, beyond comprehension
So desperate am I, outside my volition"
"A yawn, what alarm, escaping from harm
Cannot I go with it; exhale my own form"
oops, this was suppose to be a review, Moderator. Pardon me, I am no spammer.