z

Young Writers Society


12+

Disrecover

by skorlir


I can see where your feet kicked the ceiling,
remember thinking about the wallpaper
peeling there, clinging
to the plaster-backed walls we
talked about hating as we lay there dreaming.

Ephemera. Phenomena. Calisthenics for the
brain I’m putting out to
pasture in the morning, where
I can leave it alone with the bolt-shot I
put out from the heart at
some old plot in the dark
whence it never returns to the
rear-wheel drive I’m about to start.

Perhaps crude for my part,
these rhymes hardly start
to convey greater heart
than a pig,
oiled and ready to begin
his grease-flaming passionate end
resulting inevitably in splatters
on the fry cook's kitchen island.
Now can I see
glorious nutrient
golden upon an egg-washed skillet.
That’s me, awash on the
breakfast plate palate of an
orange juice quaffing magnate
of only the greatest degree a man
traveling from place to place asleep
in the upper rafters of a two ton
twelve-spinning guzzler of petrifieds, liquidated
and itemized for pricing by gallons on
neon road signs
can ever hope to possibly be.

Let these lyrics beseech
you might let my beached
and swollen stomach swell empty with the vacancy
of a two-hole bar kept under weary
one-eyed watch as one fellow waits
for inclusion in a miraculous plot
where the hero is
taught wisdom through the speakerphone slot
on the apartment’s front stoop
waiting to be screened with rest of the lot
which you left to the doorman whose
fingers are caught in the crisp morning air
betwixt his keys and the leather
struggling to flex on his joints turned cold rubber
and he curses the name of no. 213 on the sheet
pasted next to the caller.
My voice breathes in his curses
and tries a heart to bother.
The hero shuffles onward.

Gentlemen, honor our
guest of the hour, whom
to which only the greatest lauder
has a voice worthy of piercing haze like
the veil of a bridesmaid’s licorice-red collar
whose own wedding was that which
none could propose to bother.
But dapper go dander, sally forth
to the anxious pit-pattering slip
of ice-shovels hooved by the locally-aged blacksmith.
Quite work for a smithy, as
collects at least one from the party;
astute and genteel only
allowed to saunter this byway
or traipse with the trotting
of true craft’s great admiring
as growing malfeasance bereaves
of the widow her pleasures
to whose husband attribute
all the great treasures
of a town bedraggled by lacking investment
and consumed with the traipser gentlemen’s
vixens and vices, whose own limits have prices
only too easily paid to get horsies to play
where at first it seemed a land only dogs were let bay.

And so to hell let it roam
as I place on the loam
a headstone dedicated to the
egg-washed, pig spot, pillow-punishing, gently wondering, traipsing, baiting, and unappreciating
world not worth saving,
for no grace summoned could ever sufficient enough serve
to keep even one bird unkenneled unhurt.


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Points: 836
Reviews: 3

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 9:59 pm
AONAR5 wrote a review...



A review...hmm. Well, I thought it was crafty and unique. While the stanzas were uneven, I feel that it worked well in the way that it eases the reader in and then, escalates in intensity, then as it drops off towards the end, it leaves the reader desiring more. I think the lyrics were very intricate, which is a plus to me, but perhaps to other readers, may be too intricate. A distinct negative, to me at least, was the ending being too anti-climatic. A few more lines or another stanza could bridge the gap that was left. Other than that, a very well-written poem.




skorlir says...


I don't know why I post replies all the time, since you will not be notified. But I appreciate your interest, and your critique. The ending does not bridge together the separate stanzas, but I do not want to lengthen it. I'll have to consider what you have said.

Thanks,

~Skorlir



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29 Reviews


Points: 2289
Reviews: 29

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:03 pm
tiggpanda145 wrote a review...



Hello! Your poem is great-well done! The imagery you have created is very powerful and your descriptions are good too. One thing I would say is that the stanzas are not very even (sorry if it's intentional) and that through me off track a bit. Also, as the last reviewer said, the word combination also through me of track slightly but yeah the style was amazing and your poem flowed quite well.

Well done! There were hardly any flaws and I enjoyed your poem a lot!

Thank you!

tiggpanda145 :D

(sorry it's short-didn't really know what to say!)




skorlir says...


Yes, the stanzas are uneven. I understand, in some cases, that can confuse or turn away readers, but I appreciate that you not only stuck with it, but also ultimately enjoyed the poem.

Thanks,

~Skorlir



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Points: 569
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Mon Jun 17, 2013 2:50 am
IntelligentQuill wrote a review...



Hey! Review train coming through.

I could feel great power and word combination in your stanzas, but they were getting me a bit off track.

I really couldn't tell where the stanzas connected until the last two or if they were trying to connect at all. You should try to flow and connect your stanzas, because they seemed a bit off beat.

Other than that, you are really good at word usage and with the right placement, you have a good poem in your hands.

Keep writing!
~IQ




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60 Reviews


Points: 595
Reviews: 60

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Thu Jun 13, 2013 5:15 am
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BrokenSkye wrote a review...



Alright, my name is Skye and I will be reviewing your piece tonight! Without reading it first, I noticed it's length and your punctuation. Both are very good, as long they are used in the right way.

Now to get started, while reading the first stanza I noticed that your formatting is a little off, the last word in both lines three and four should be on the line below it. But the problem with moving that is the third line would be too short and make your piece look choppy, you could try extending it to something like "peeling away here and there". The imaginary is fantastic though! I can see the whole scene in my mind. The only other problem I saw was that the word "lay" should be past tense, "laid", but other than that you have captured my attention.

Stanza two, line one, first two words should be on next line again, I don't feel like continually telling you this issue will make much of a difference if I don't tell you how you can improve and fix it. I had the same problem, except with punctuation, and what someone told me was to pause at the end of each line and see from that one line if it makes sense alone. I hope you use my little tip, but it is your piece, your work, your choice, I apologize if I am sounding rude.

In stanza three you use the word "start" twice in a way that makes the lines seem clumpy, try changing the second "start" to "begin". Wow, that stanza took my breath away, I didn't want to stop reading it! I found myself reading faster and faster, trying to see what was next, I could feel the extended anguish of rapidly speaking through eyes who have seen a new light. It was fantastic! I love your comparisons the most though.

Stanza six, "to whose husband attribute; all the great treasures" do you mean "attributes"? That is the only thing I have found that was even the slightest bit off since stanza three, and even that could simply be a typo, but everything so far has been so fantastic! I can't say anything more than I love it, I love it, and I love it! The last stanza is my favorite, it is beautiful and breath taking, and it just wraps up the piece so perfectly. I really hope this review helped, and sorry for the length!

~Skye~




skorlir says...


Skye,

I should first intimate how appreciative I am of your review, which somehow manages to be at once congratulatory and constructive. To its congratulations, I say thanks. To its critique, I have some responses.

Concerning my use of "lay," you will notice that the past tense shifts into a reflective present tense after the first line. "Thinking," "peeling," "clinging," "hating," etc. So it is difficult to say that lay is incorrect, and similarly difficult to say that laid is less than equally correct. But of course, correct me if I am truly wrong. :)

I understand the adage that "each line of a poem should stand on its own." I'm about to get PG-13 on that adage, so I apologize if your ears are yet virgin: bull-shit. I should most certainly argue on its behalf, except that it is too constant. I would say, at minimum, 3 out of every 5 lines should stand on its own. But to cut off, mid-thought, simply is too tantalizing to resist at least on occasion. Now I apologize for perhaps seeming rude.

Your suggestion to use "begin" in place of something like my third "start" was quite apt. You will find it incorporated posthaste.

"Attribute" is a verb, meaning to give credit to. So attribute all the treasures of this ghostly, metaphorical town to the dead lover of the sad widow. They were his.

I am glad you liked the poem, and I truly enjoyed your review.


Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir



skorlir says...


Skye,

I should first intimate how appreciative I am of your review, which somehow manages to be at once congratulatory and constructive. To its congratulations, I say thanks. To its critique, I have some responses.

Concerning my use of "lay," you will notice that the past tense shifts into a reflective present tense after the first line. "Thinking," "peeling," "clinging," "hating," etc. So it is difficult to say that lay is incorrect, and similarly difficult to say that laid is less than equally correct. But of course, correct me if I am truly wrong. :)

I understand the adage that "each line of a poem should stand on its own." I'm about to get PG-13 on that adage, so I apologize if your ears are yet virgin: bull-shit. I should most certainly argue on its behalf, except that it is too constant. I would say, at minimum, 3 out of every 5 lines should stand on its own. But to cut off, mid-thought, simply is too tantalizing to resist at least on occasion. Now I apologize for perhaps seeming rude.

Your suggestion to use "begin" in place of something like my third "start" was quite apt. You will find it incorporated posthaste.

"Attribute" is a verb, meaning to give credit to. So attribute all the treasures of this ghostly, metaphorical town to the dead lover of the sad widow. They were his.

I am glad you liked the poem, and I truly enjoyed your review.


Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir



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37 Reviews


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Thu Jun 13, 2013 1:51 am
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jenni321 says...



This is really great. It can be hard to keep the energy up for a long poem like this, but your style was consistent throughout. You have an excellent, wide-reaching command of language, and you did well to 'paint a picture', or several at that. The fourth stanza in particular is really something. "beseech", however, is kind of a stuffy word. I'd recommend against using it. Although, I do love that slant rhyme with 'beached'... "
"But dander and dapper, sally forth
to the anxious pit-pattering slip
of ice-shovels hooved by
the locally-aged blacksmith."
...This is gorgeous. I'm sorry I don't have too much constructive criticism here, I really did enjoy this. Although, perhaps find a way to make the stanzas flow better into each other? It kind of seems like a collection of mismatched observations (beautiful as they may be) instead of one cohesive unit.
Great job, I look forward to reading more from you!




skorlir says...


Glad you like the poem.

Beseech is perhaps stuffy, but also desperate. That's something likable to a desperate, stuffy word (or at least I feel that way).

You have actually accidentally pointed out a line which may have a mistake. You see, dander and dapper go together nicely - but dander is a verb, meaning to lose one's temper. I think I earlier corrected/changed this to "dandering dapper" - losing one's temper, with class (and correct grammar). :)

They are mismatched observations, in their sort. But my hope is that each tells something of a "disrecovered" artifact. At least, that was, in part, the goal. For the most part, of course, it just sounds nice. :)

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir



skorlir says...


Glad you like the poem.

Beseech is perhaps stuffy, but also desperate. That's something likable to a desperate, stuffy word (or at least I feel that way).

You have actually accidentally pointed out a line which may have a mistake. You see, dander and dapper go together nicely - but dander is a verb, meaning to lose one's temper. I think I earlier corrected/changed this to "dandering dapper" - losing one's temper, with class (and correct grammar). :)

They are mismatched observations, in their sort. But my hope is that each tells something of a "disrecovered" artifact. At least, that was, in part, the goal. For the most part, of course, it just sounds nice. :)

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir




It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
— Mark Twain