Young Writers Society

I wish there was more punctuation. It was hard to read, because I felt like it went on and on and on. I really want to enjoy your work but I'm just so confused with your style of writing. This gave me a few emotions, but I'm not even sure what they were and now I'm simply confused. This was just one long thing with no stanzas, only one period and almost no capitalization. It was like a long sentence. A confusing sentence. I'm not sure how to criticize the grammar because I was so distracted with the lack of proper punctuation.

haha, I got it! What Juniper was talking was how your
nor pleasure, ennui
not the semblance of epiphany
no escape from insanity

"not line" makes the stomache go on cartwheels and then
suddenly you stop saying that and just drift, writing with certaintly. Have to admit I like the drift part better cause I didn't feel so *dizzy*

Yeah, I really like this concept in general though maybe you should write about how it relates to you more. We can relate but I can't feel. I mean I feel speed, than heaviness. I just the story seems general. Maybe this is an idea for another poem, but maybe you can talk about the trouble sleeping, insomia or nightmares or something. Here, it is a little ambiguous on if the character (who ever it is) wants to sleep. So just an idea. You wrote this beautifully and I can tell you are good poet,---meaning you can judge your poetry accurately--- so yeah it is only a suggestion.

Hey Skorlir, Juniparre here,

Have you ever gone parachuting? There's a moment when you're really close to the ground where the descent stops making cartwheels turn in your stomach and you're just on a graceful journey to the floor. You know, when I'm falling asleep it literally feels like I'm falling in that last moment of a parachute jump. As someone who has chronic sleep issues, this poem appealed to me, because I can relate to all of the lows and highs of it.

However, because sleep is an experience, I wish you would include more detail. Why don't you spin this into a bigger poem about what the sleep experience feels like? Tell us how it it's uplifting at some points and completely empty at others. Tell us how it feels, but don't tell us in the same words you're using above-- everyone can find the facts of sleep, but not everyone can define their experiences of sleep, much less share yours with you. I think this poem would be a lot more powerful if you lent a little bit of the experience to us in stronger images that connected with one another better, as if you're taking us on a tour through your sleep world.

Sweet dreams and happy review day,

June

Hey Skorlir!

There's a really nice flow and sound-effect going on throughout this poem, which makes it really interesting and engaging to read. In a poem about sleep, I expect there to be a sort of lull or softness, like in a lullaby. This on the other hand has like a skippy beat to it, haha! It's the kind of poem best read out loud/spoken word nights -- which is always fun!

I think it's interesting because it expresses more the possibilities of sleep - the fact that we can dream, and all of which that entails, which is really nice. The variety of words and the flow of the words sort of mirror that, which is also nice to see and a great marriage of content and form.

Now, that also acts as a double edged sword for you. On the one hand, it is lovely to the ears, but on the other hand, upon a second reading what I'm realizing as I try to place *exactly* what the poem is saying, it seems to be saying the same or similar things, but just expressing it in different ways. Also, on a more technical level, I would watch out for parallel sentence errors: so not music -> no music, nor the semblance as opposed to not the semblance, etc.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you wish to chat this up or if you have any questions.

~ as always, Audy

Hey there Speakerskat here to review for ya and team Dreamwave!

I thought this was a very interesting poem and I have never heard dreams described like this before which I found really interesting. Most of the time it's blown out of proportion or talks about a specific dream but I really liked how you kept things general and fresh. I feel it would be easier to read if you would break it up into stanzas and some rythm would really make it pop! Ha when the best critisisim I can offer is like that then you know you've done a really good job. I really liked your vocabulary, not to many big words, or to many small words, a nice balence. You are truly a talented writer and I definatley look foward to reading more of your works in the near future .

Keep it up !
~Speakerskat

Wow.

This is really amazing.

I have one slight problem... I don't know how to review it. I'm much better at reviewing stories...

What's really foreign to me, is you and I are the same age, but I just don't think I could write poetry of this caliber.

I read your "About" page, and lucky for you...I don't have any corrections or suggestions to make regarding grammar! I'm super strict with my own writing on grammar, so congratulations! You've narrowly escaped the Grammar Slayer within me. Haha, just joking! I'm not that bad, but for this poem, I didn't even have to bother with reviewing the grammar at all!

One thing I may change, if I were you, or at least strive to do the next time you write, is I would break the poem into stanzas. For this poem, the idea of stanzas may not be probable, however (for my easily distracted mind and others like it,) I lose my focus on the main idea unless a poem is broken down somewhat. It's not that big of a deal, because I understand this poem (I think) and I only read it twice, to validate my beliefs.

The rhyme was really natural, which is definitely a great thing!

Your vocabulary is unparalleled, or at least I haven't seen anything like it recently!

I love the idea of this poem, and the way you've constructed it is very inventive.

Sorry I didn't have many corrections, but at least with all the mindless praise, you can see what works!

Great piece!

With Love,

Paige