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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi there Sheyren ~ I thought I'd drop by to give you a slightly more in-depth review in the spirit of #RevMo !
You've definitely succeeded in making a humourous, satirical, somewhat-disturbing-in-how-accurate-it-is poem, so well done on that! I think the tone of your writing is perfect for the subject, especially in lines such as "even as the bombs go off around you, // the smug smile stays on." (<- I don't know if it's purposeful but I like the contrast between "off" and "on" in those two lines!)
I want to mention punctuation quickly, since it seems like for the most part you're using "correct" punctuation, but there are a few places where it's missing.
^I think a colon would work well at the end of this line.
^I'd also suggest putting a period here, since the next stanza starts a bit of a new thought.
But, punctuation is 100% stylistic, so feel free to take those suggestions with a grain of salt!
I like how you've chosen to format the poem - it makes it feel a bit like tug of war for power, between the subject of the poem ("you") and the government. The only thing I'd say about this is that for the most part your stanzas are formatted in one direction (moving to the left), like this:
_____________line number one blah blah blah
_________line number two
_____lines number three
__________oh psyche we're deking back
______but then we go this way again
but the first stanza is formatted in the opposite direction, to the right, like this:
__line number one yay
_____line number two moves to the right
(Does that even make any sense whatsoever?)
Anyway that's not necessarily a bad thing, I'm just not entirely sure why you chose to do the first stanza differently, and I think it might feel more deliberate if they were all moving in the same direction. That's just my personal opinion though, and you could very well have a reason for formatting it how you did!
I'm curious if the time (22:33) has any significance or if you just chose it somewhat randomly? If it doesn't have any meaning, it might be interesting if you were to make it to be a fake time (26:50 or something like that) to further make fun of the person that the poem is about.
Last but not least, I'd like to take a look at language and imagery! Admittedly, this poem doesn't have much non-literal language (except for the whole thing being an allegory, of course), but I think you could still work in some more descriptions using the five senses. For example, in the first stanza, what does the siren sound like? A wail of deceit? Or in the third stanza, what does your light look like? Does it glow with resistance?
The final stanza is by far my favourite - as I already said, I love how you use "off" and "on" in the first two lines, and the sentiment expressed is just so painfully stupid but you convey it so well.
All in all, a very clever poem! I hope you find this useful and happy RevMo!
whatcha
Thanks for the review!
I definitely out very little thought into this besides the, well, thinly-veiled allegory, but your critiques were helpful!
I love this poem it's so full of satirical goodness. I love how it begins to because it transports the reader right into the story. I love how you say the good advice of shutting down their light. It's really simple, like telling a child to not talk while he's eating or to not eat too much so that his stomach would not hurt. But if course a citizen would be too stuborn to listen. I like how the citizen is thinking of himself as a free citizen and a potential victim to the "lying" and "treacherous" government. And the stubbornness is seen in the line "It's your house you can do what you want" The citizen acts like a child. In the last stanza tragedy strikes the citizen and his family, yet somehow he is still smug. Even more he thinks of himself as some sort of hero that stands against tyranny. My favourite stanza is the last one. And this poem is so funny, it made my day. Thank you.
Thank you!
Wow. This poem was great! In the last stanza, you really captured the mentality of the person. I could hear their smug, proud voice in my head, "you've seen through their lies once again."
That was honestly the best line for me.
I loved the whole thing!
Keep writing!
-Shade
Thanks!
I had to read this twice..lol. On a serious note though I love what you are doing with your words. You marked this as politics and rightly so. This poem has such a sharp satirical blade that it has cut through my veins and is travelling at tremendous speeds to my brain for answers whilst riding on my adrenaline. Excellent poetry keep them coming
Thanks!
Hello there, sheyren. I'm Vilnius, and I'm trying not to laugh in a sadistic manner as I reread this poem.
Similar to Storybraniac's "broken hymns, mysterious hues," your poem reminds me of the world in the modern day-- particularly anti-mask Republicans.
I note that you've classified this poem under "Humor" and "Politics," both of which I believe to be true. Just as common sense for a parent keeps their family from sickness (potentially death) and health, this gobshite is keeping his family from life and death.
And, in both cases, the sickness and the bombs are "FAKE NEWS".
I'd offer you my hand, but between computers and social-distancing, I cannot. Instead, I offer you a 5/5 rating and a round of applause.
Thank you!