Hia, again! You miss me?
One thing that really pops out to me, as I just finished reading the first part, is that the phrase "No way" a lot. And to be quite frank, it doesn't add anything to the meaning itself. Sure it could show Bryn as kind of cocky and confident, and once in a while it's a good tactic, but three times so close together? (Thinking of the chapter as a whole here.) It's redundant and, probably more stylistically, just plain. Think about it some.
After all this time spent worrying about Merith, they just brush off what happened earlier so quickly? Before hand, you had an enormous build up of how important Merith is, how Bryn needs her, how Bryn worries about her, and she finally comes! But there's no relief? No other flood of confidence? Even if she doesn't express it, I'd imagine it to be running through Bryn's consciousness, maybe even having her relax a little so they're found easier/quicker? Just a thought, but it felt missing when they reunited.
(Not really a critique, but really, Merith? You grab a trained agent and don't expect to get whooped? xD I did like the exchange, because it led to some relief from the tension and made it all the more startling when Jordin came in, holding the gun. Though, I wouldn't expect Bryn to fall for it though. Jordin wouldn't risk his own career for shooting Bryn. Wouldn't she think of that and react instead of just standing there? //end of tangent)
I'm really liking the main tone that you have set up here, with Bryn being much more tart and blunt, while keeping her confidence and cool. It's interesting to read about, but because it's on the mind, I feel like there's a lot of 'fruh-fruh' words hanging around that just dance around the meaning that much more. It's not a big deal now, especially just being the first draft, but it seems to exaggerate what's supposed to be the thoughts of someone who seems so forward. Get what I mean?
Another thing about thoughts -- man I'm hitting this home, am I not? xD -- there are times when it feels like Bryn's thoughts jump all over. And I did mention that, because this is present tense, thoughts equate to time. So those big paragraph chunks of thought right in the middle of an interrogation means that Bryn is standing there in silence and oblivious, as her focus is elsewhere. Here, it's just not plausible that she can still be caught up when she comes to, or well starts listening again. However, this can be a useful tactic later on, to distract the narrator and pick back up after some words, like if something is unimportant or the reader isn't supposed to know yet, etc.
That's not where I start off with that paragraph, but it works. The point I was trying to make is that sometimes her thoughts become jumpy. Like Bryn's past? It goes from one point of not remembering twelve years of her life, after talking about her parents training her, suddenly back to second nature... Be careful about that train of thought staying consistent and also keeping the tone where it is.
When Merith is trying to win the boys over, I love the points she makes, showing a little more 'reasonable side' of her -- even if it's falsely -- but it brings up something that confused me. Only fifth levels as competitors? Are there no other fifth levels? And before Bryn mentioned that she had to do well on this or she had no hope. If she was one of the only competitors why is this so urgent to her? It just doesn't add up to me.
I really love your character interactions, as they flow seamlessly and they each have their own unique ways of talking that's easy enough to recognize this early on. The only issue is the present tense and everything happening in the now, so Bryn drifting off, as I mentioned, but otherwise it's so interesting to see! So far I've been mostly engaged (and I though this part was much quicker and not as dragging on as the last. Because, come one, who wants to have the MC running through trees the entire first chapter?)
That's all I got for this part. Hope I helped ~ And if I'm unclear, you know how to track me down. Happy writing,
~Wolfare
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