Writing from a Desk in the Dark-Chapter 10

Did Aaron regret rejecting me? That’s the question that’s been in my head all week.

It started when he asked me to come with him to a campus dance. I was going to go anyway for work purposes, but now I had a friend to go with as well. I met him at the dance and sat with him and his coworker from his second job. She was very nice, but he didn’t treat her the same way he treated me.

When he took a photo at the photo booth with her, it was goofy faces and fuzzy glasses. In our photo he had his arm wrapped around my waist, looking like the most stereotypical prom photo ever. When we went to get food, he offered to help carry my plate. And when the dance floor opened with a slow song, he held out his hands, an unspoken invitation. His coworker happily looked on with a knowing smile.

Then, the club president said hi to Aaron and invited us both to his graduation party. I was invited as Aaron’s plus one.

Later that week there was a concert on campus with Philip Philip’s (yes, that is his real name). After a 13 hour shift between his two jobs, Aaron came to watch the concert with me. I would have understood if he said no, but he didn’t. He chose me. Philip Philips said to tell your girlfriend or boyfriend you love them. “I platonically love you,” I whispered. He looked over at me, a warm smile as we lay there on the grass with our head close enough to touch.

The day before the party, I finally asked him what was up. In addition to the dance, photos, and concert, some excessive hand holding had occurred at swing dancing. I’d talked it over with Demeter in advance. She’s good at seeing all the possible outcomes of a choice, and had suggested I talk to him over coffee instead of dinner.

I knew not to get my hopes up. After all, he’d been very clear about how he felt in his rejection text. Still, there was a part of me that hoped he’d change his mind. He hadn’t. He said he didn’t mean to lead me on, that some of it might have been different cultural understandings of closeness (Aaron is Mexican). I explained that regardless, I have different boundaries if there’s no chance of us dating and hand holding/touching my waist crosses them.

I feel like it was partially my fault for not making things clear before. With Aaron, everything was an invitation, not a demand. He offered a type of closeness I associate with romance, and I accepted. We’ve worked things out, but we’re still going to the graduation party–and Aaron’s friend still thinks we’re a couple.