Writing from a Desk in the Dark: Chapter 12

It didn't go well. I can’t keep living in this place: a delusion, a dream world or maybe in the manipulative fake life Aaron’s created for me, whatever you want to call it. Even writing this is painful as the memory cuts with jagged edges, I shy away from examining it too closely. Here is what happened in broad strokes: Aaron and I went to the graduation party, really vodka around a campfire. It was the end of finals week, I had one quiz to do before I could leave and I was running late. Aaron waited for me and even though we drove separately guided me up the mountain.

When we drove up, we walked up the hill to the party together. The graduate's mom went up to us and started commenting on how compatible and what a great couple we are. I corrected the mom, clarifying that we weren't dating, but I may have been invisible. Then I asked Aaron if he wanted to correct people or if he'd prefer I do it. He said he'd prefer not to correct people at all, that neither of us should say anything.

So he doesn’t want to date me, but still wants people to think he does. If a heart could bleed from longing, a want that overflows, mine would. It’s half a year after the night of the party that I write this, but it still hurts to think about. The aftermath? Negligible for Aaron. He promptly ghosted my texts for the summer. After returning to campus in the fall, we talked only about work and kept things strictly professional. He neither acknowledged my texts nor made efforts to close the distance between us. The aftermath for me? Months of people asking me if I was excited to see Aaron again, what a nice couple we were and how long have we been dating. Months of waiting for a response to a text that would never come.

I don’t regret confessing to Aaron. I would have lived in the land of ‘what if’ forever if not. I don’t regret the party. It showed me who Aaron truly is outside of campus. I regret spending so long wishing for him, scheduling my life around him when he can’t even answer a text. I would have moved heaven and earth for him and he would maybe give me the time of day if he happened to have a moment to spare. As the school year wrapped up, I planned to spend the summer relaxing with my new job, celebrating Demeter’s graduation and focusing on academics. It didn’t quite happen that way.