Writing from a Desk in the Dark: Chapter 9

It was the best day of this term, snow swirling as we drove onto the highway. We’d gone on a student council field trip to a regional government building for a tour, all 21 of us. Five of us squeezed into Aaron’s car for the hour drive. The trip was interesting. We all got dinner after the educational part at Olive Garden, cracking jokes the whole time. With each smile exchanged, the note I’d written burned a hole in my pocket.

I’d planned it all out. I tend to respond emotionally before the logical part of my brain kicks in, which meant that if Aaron rejected me, I’d likely burst into tears, leaving him to awkwardly comfort his just-rejected friend. In this hypothetical situation, to his logical brain, I shouldn’t even be upset to the point of tears. A bad idea all around. Instead, I wrote him a note telling him he was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met and I fancied him. A bit juvenile, but it’d work. He’d likely open it later in his room, giving him to time to think and me time to pause before responding to his answer.

I gave him the note when we got back to the halls after everyone else had left. Told him he could read it later, but text me his answer later. I didn’t tell him what it was.

He took it and sent me a text later that night:

“Thank you so much for all the kind things you said. I really appreciate them. Unfortunately, I don’t like you like that. You are one of the bestest friends I have ever had…I know this might not be the news you wanted, but know that I will always have your back.”

The next day we were both at a campaign event for student council elections. There were three rows with six tables on each row lined up next to each other. Last year, he wasn’t able to attend this event, but we usually sat next to each other at things like this. I hoped to arrive before him, so I wouldn’t have to choose whether to ignore him. Instead he got there first. 

I spotted him as I walked in. I glanced at him, searching for any hint of what he was feeling.Instead, his face was smiling, an invitation. He waved me over to sit next to him. At that moment, all I felt was relief. I wouldn’t lose him. We cracked jokes, smiled. He would introduce us to voters like a single entity. He even put his arm around me, something he’d never done before. A coworker who knew I planned to ask him out assumed we’d become a couple. It wasn’t till that day that we cleared up the confusion and even then, she said we acted like we were dating. This was the first of many people to make that assumption.

The day after, I left for a 3 day conference, with us texting every day. The night after I got back dinner together at the canteen because I like it (Aaron hates it and usually avoids it at all costs). His idea. A week later, a joking tone. a nice compliment. Two weeks after that he came to swing dancing, holding my hand more than necessary. I’ve gone to every campus event with him in the past week. He decided to live wherever I do next year.

Is it any surprise that every week five or six people ask me who my boyfriend is? Is it any surprise that Aaron’s search for a girlfriend is unsuccessful with the rumors, based in fact? Is it any surprise my friends think he’s using me?

He rejected me only to pull me closer. He gets frustrated when people think we're dating, then holds my hand. Still, he rejected me, not the other way around. I can’t get over him when he acts like we’re a couple.

My friends are no help. They have three distinct explanations for his behavior, none of them plausible: He’s secretly gay (based solely on his dance moves–unlikely), he’s manipulating me (he always keeps his word and has my back no matter what), or he regrets his rejection and is secretly in love with me (but he sent me a kind rejection text).,

As you can imagine, I have no space left in my brain to study for final exams. My Aaron problem has sucked it all dry.