Thunder rumbles through the sky,
As dark fog steals over the moon
Leaving behind
Only a smudge of light
That has yet to make a difference.
Fires burn
Deep in our hearts ,
Trying to keep out the dank coolness
Of the evening upon us.
We are under attack.
Our hearts and minds seized
In a grip far tighter
Than that of a python.
As we are ripped apart by the expectations
And pressures of those around us.
As if they were hungry wolves,
Chasing after
A wounded fawn.
As if there is a burning pyre
Awaiting our painful shrieks.
As we are tortured
For being among those
Who do not fit the mold of this world.
As the fog grows deeper,
And the fire in our hearts lessens.
We feel ourselves begin to wane
And die off.
The python,
tightening its grip.
The wolves jaws,
Breaking a neck.
The flames of a pyre,
Being lit beneath our feet.
For we weren't willing
To fall into this world,
but rather
To fall away from it
And into a place far beyond.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello!
I really like how you are willing to explore with your capitalization and punctuation when you're writing this. I feel like that's something you're doing well. The more you fiddle with it and play with it, the more rewarding that will be for you in general.
I would like to see you work on your structure a little more. Look at your sentences, and decide if you really have a sentence there or if maybe you're just making fragments into sentences. This is going to help with your ability to trim. The more you can trim down, the better. If you have twelve sentences that start with "as" and twenty that start with "and" then try to cut those down to just a few. If you have "the" a lot, then try to trim those back too. Use words like "as" "the" and "and" only when you really need them to make a sentence whole. Instead of doing this, feel free to explore sentence length, enjambment, and things like that.
I think as a review, I'd like you to look at trimming this down for content. Right now you have a few lines, like "Leaving behind" where they feel rather weak because they can't really stand alone and mean much. Try to weed out things which don't support the image so much as they support your writing of the image. Look for places where you repeat yourself, look for passages where you can just use an adverb instead of an adjective, look for areas where you can poke out a meaning through using a different verb or word rather than repeating yourself. The more you repeat yourself, the less interested your reader is going to be. Think about it like a tally system. In The Raven, "nevermore" was repeated a lot, but it was suspenseful still, why? My perception of this is because of the stress and raising tension everywhere else. In order to keep our attention, Poe ratcheted things up and used that refrain to really tighten the bolt, always twisting the meaning of it just a little bit. Even though it's the same word, it means something different. With words like I mentioned earlier, and other nouns, it's hard to do that, so it's best to avoid using repeated words.
In summary, I'm suggesting you edit this and see what else you can take out, but so far I really like how you're applying punctuation and capitalization.
I hope this helped.
Hello there!
Can I just say I feel connected to this piece because it reminds me a lot of the kind of poetry I write!
There's so much I love here, I'm just gonna cut to the little revisions I'd suggest. Is that cool?
So, I like the fact that your title does NOT tell us exactly what the poem will be about, and it leaves some suspense and room for us readers to figure it out. However...is there perhaps too much room here? I can't quite pinpoint the purpose of the poem given the title. How does it really fit with the piece? I might make it a tad longer so we can see the 'story' and the message really unfold more.
A few wording things: the words 'smudge' and 'rumble' just sound a little juvenile to me. It's totally a preference thing, but I would change these. 'Dank', on the other hand, is a fantastic word for description. Love it.
I like the paired stanzas followed by a single line at the end. Always a nice effect, when executed properly.
I really like this! Great job. I can tell you really love poetry:)
In the spirit of Review Day,
~iron.n (of the Firebolts)
I revise not as a judge, but as a fellow writer eligible for judgment on the same level.
Thank you for the review. I would like to note, that something went wrong in posting this, so it has been fixed. For some reason a great deal of the poem was cut off
OH my. yeah i should re-review this!
Please do, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the full thing.
Hello ooh4764! CHRISSY321 here with a review!
*Happy Review Day!*
Okay, I shall be honest- there is not much to say! This is just simply short and REALLY sweet! This is just zoo deep, and really captures true beauty! The imagery is deafening, and this poem sounds like it came from a professional! That is amazing!
The only think that I would fix is that I would add not to the end, I do not know how, but I think it would just make it sound a smige better! There really is nothing else to fix after that!
I greatly encourage you to keep writing! Especially poetry- you are great at it!
I'm glad you enjoyed it, but something has gone wrong and much of my poem seems to have been cut off.
oh, ok! Thanks for sharing!
I fixed it. Something went really wrong when I first posted it.
Thanks- now it is even better!
Thank you.