Selective Beauty

by ooh4764

Published February 23, 2015

E - Everyone

In poetry

This story was written like a poem, I intended for it to be poetic, but many kept telling me it was more of a story.

She called it cold, the snow falling
Down about them in the frozen wonderland.
Yet he took her hand and smiled,
"No its pretty."
"No its cold," she half argued as a smile
Cracked across her lips.
"No, its pretty, like you."
His words were simple,
A loving gesture
That once said he could not have known how much it meant.
Her smile grew, her chapped lips
Curving upward, like a crescent moon
Placed on its side.
The wind whistled around the pair of them.
Carry a tune of ice, for what is snow
Other than crystalized water, frozen and cold.
Its beauty possessed in its fragility,
And its strength. Much like the girl
Who him made smile.
Her greatest weakness coming from the warmth
Shared between two beating hearts.
And her strength lying in the same warmth,
Yet also in her ability to hold herself up if need be.

The snow drifting flakes that surround
The two of them pick up their speed.
The frozen crystals still beautiful yet terrifying.
Their delicate features, not a single alike,
Swirling around them as the temperature drops.
He pulled her closer to keep the cold away,
Wrapping his arms quietly around her
And began walking towards the safety of the indoors.
As they enter and the door closes behind them
Shutting out the howling of the wind,
And the stinging of the cold.
The two of then remove their coats and boots
As she looks out the window at the still falling snow.
Her mouth in a line.
He walks up behind her and wraps his arms around.
She says, "maybe I'm cold like the snow too."
He kisses her cheek and sighs before saying,
"Like the snow you are many things,
You are soft and beautiful, you are unique
And carry yourself on the wind."
Her eyes glance at him,
"But snow is also sharp and harsh,
It causes storms and frostbite,
Bringing chill into the life of others."
He chuckles a little and looks in her eyes,
"My dear, snow is used to build shelter and
Protect others from the wind,
It keeps out as much cold as it contains.
Snow is happy memories, of angels
And moments spent together."

She looked back in his eyes at a loss for words,
Still unsure as to how he could find her to be so beautiful.
Still not knowing how it was possible that even
As he looked at something that could cause
Such complete destruction
And havoc in a single gust.
And still say that the snow was beautiful like her.
For he was right, the snow and her
Were one in the same,
Beautiful, cold, warm, fragile, strong, destructive, helpful.
He stared into her silent eyes and
Nuzzled his cheek to hers,
Whispering quietly,
"The snow is beautiful like you,
And I only choose to see that beauty."

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
steampowered
Review
steampowered wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2015

Hello, steampowered here for a review! This was really well-written, as zoeyylittle said, so this may be quite a short review, but I'll try my best.

I liked the story this told. It made me think of how we see all the bad points in ourselves, and how most of us are insecure deep down, but other people can see our beauty and those who really love us don't mind our flaws. I also really liked the way in which the man was trying to explain all the good points of the snow to the (slightly incredulous) woman.

The one major thing I noticed was the way in which you change tenses. You began writing in the past tense, but then you switched to the present tense, and then to the past tense again. I'd choose one tense for the whole thing and stick to it, otherwise it feels a bit inconsistent.

I also have a couple of minor nitpicks:

No its pretty


This should be "it's" here and in parallel places elsewhere. "It's" is short for "it is" so put "it's" anywhere you'd otherwise write "it is".

She says, "maybe I'm cold like the snow too."


Maybe should begin with a capital M. Apart from that, I couldn’t find any errors.

Overall, I thought that this was really beautiful, unique and very touching. You're really talented, and I hope to see more of your work in future! Keep writing! :D

Thanks your review is really helpful. I was having a lot of trouble when writing this with the tense. Also this was typed on my phone. I have a lot of trouble editing from it.

User avatar
Lucia
Review
Lucia wrote a review Review · Feb 23, 2015

So, I suppose that there are many things I could take out of this, but I'm gonna say that the main gist of it is this: People are capable of many personalities, but who you are depends on who you see yourself as, and, based on that, who you choose to be.
That's what I took away from it. Is there anything I'm missing?
Either way, I really did like this. You used clear expressive words, and especially enjoyed your use of the metaphors.

There were a couple verses that seemed either confusing or unnecessary.

That once said he could not have known how much it meant.

It could just be me, but this verse seems a bit strange. It seems almost as if it should be two sentences because of the "he". Perhaps a restructure?

And her strength lying in the same warmth,

Yet also in her ability to hold herself up if need be.

It's the second verse I'm looking at. You state that her weakness and strength is in the warmth. Then you point to her own strength. However, you gave no metaphor for her strength, and it's almost like you're just throwing that out there. My point is that you don't really have a basis for that to begin with, and then you discontinue the thought. I guess I'm just wondering if the verse is necessary at all.

As she looks out the window at the still falling snow.

Her mouth in a line.

This one is less urgent. The period after "snow" should be a comma because the two verses are meant to be connected. "Her mouth in a line", on its own, is a fragment, not a sentence.

She says, "maybe I'm cold like the snow too."

"Maybe" should be capitalized.

Still not knowing how it was possible that even

As he looked at something that could cause

Such complete destruction

And havoc in a single gust.

And still say that the snow was beautiful like her.

When the reader reads the italicized "that", they assume that there is more of the thought to ensue. It's like this: "Sophie thought that, even as they cried, some of the children were happy."
The sentence, "Sophie thought that some of the children were happy" can stand on its own, but "even as they cried" is some extra information that got inserted. So your verses have the first half of the sentence and the extra information, but are missing the last half of the sentence.

So, yes, there are some grammatical errors, but the body of your story is relatively unflawed, except for that I think it'd be hard to find someone with the guts to say some of those lines in real life. ;)
As I said before, I did like it. If it seems like I wrote a lot in the error department, that's just because I'm super strict about grammar and spelling and such. :) I just hope this wasn't too confusing. Looking back at it, well, yeah, it looks a bit confusing. I should really practice reviewing more. :)
I hope this helped, and I hope to read more of your works!
Cheers!

Thanks for the review, and yes grammar is so.etching I'm usually crazy about, but I'm edition from my phone so it's hard to do. And I did find a guy who said stuff like that once upon a time, but that's another story.

Lucia replied · Feb 24, 2015

Wow.... You must be really good at typing with a phone. ;)
Ha, I guess you proved me wrong. *swallows previously said words*
Anyhow, you're welcome for the review!
Cheers!

I now see how much I mispelled in my previous response.

Lucia replied · Feb 24, 2015

Oh. I didn't mean my response in a mean way at all, I really meant it. Just in case you took it the wrong way, sorry. :)

Sorry, I wasn't taking it that way, I was attempting to make a joke of my own lack of proofreading.

User avatar
zoeyylittle Comment
zoeyylittle commented Comment · Feb 23, 2015

Very well written! :)

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.



I'm so confused I've Turned To erratic Capitalisation?
— JustMeBeingMe