Should you be one bound to a tree,
the biting bark, digging into the cloth on your back,
and the red sky above, taunting you
with it's free floating wisps of clouds.
And should the rope chafe your arms,
attempting to wriggle your way to freedom.
The guns are loaded, ammunition
made of metal, racked into a barrel.
And should you watch them as they stand
fifty paces away and barrels raised,
cheeks pressed to the stocks and eyes wide open.
Their gazes chilling and lips grinning.
I should hope that their words for bullets,
a sharp shrapnel emitted at the pull of a trigger,
avoid your heart so tender
and find their way back to the sender.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heya!
So I would like to first of all say, I loved the poem. I could really picture it and most poets I have come across could not do that, so bravo.
Hermione wrote in her review that the last stanza didn't flow. That seemed to be my one problem and it's clearly fixed.
I would love to read more of your poems. Keep on writing and I shall keep reading!
Heyo, xJ here for a review.
Let's take this stanza by stanza.
First stanza: Great use of the word bound instead of tied. Nice metaphor on the 2nd line as well as the 3rd. I see how you think. The clouds are free to move about in the sky and they are taunting you because you are bound to this tree. Well done.
Second Stanza: Great first line. But in the second line, I wish you would use a different word than wriggle. In a bit of a serious poem it may make readers laugh a bit. 3rd line, "ammunition made of metal" doesn't sound too good in that spot. Sounds like that should at least have its own line.
Third Stanza: On the second line, It would be better to replace "and" with "with." And 4th line, It might just be me, but I feel that "With chilled expression." Might work better, but that's just me.
Final Stanza: Now I begin to understand that this is a verbal attack. I like the term "Bulleted words." Nicely done.
Overall this poem was well written other than the few mistakes I pointed out. But I can tell you proof read and worked at this poem. It's a work of art, can't wait for more of your works in the future!
May your travels through space and time be merry,
-xJ ❤︎
Hi there! This is Hermione here for a review. I loved this poem because of your use of such excellent imagery. I could see every scene in my mind clearly, just as if I were the person tied up to the tree. I only had one little problem with this poem.
This stanza didn't seem to flow as well as the others. First of all, I think that the double use of the word way was unnecessary. To me it reads better with that word only occurring once in that line. The punctuation is a little bit off in the stanza too. Here is a recommendation of how I would fix it:
I should hope that their words for bullets,
emitting sharp shrapnel when the trigger is pulled,
avoid your heart so tender,
and find their way back to the sender.
This is just how I would fix it, but this is your poem and you can do it however you want. By the way, I really liked the alliteration of sharp shrapnel. It flowed very nicely off the tongue. Overall, great job on this piece. I really enjoyed it. Keep writing!
Thank you, that's actually really helpful. Now that I read it again I think I see another way to fix that stanza. Possibly this
I should hope that their words for bullets,
a sharp shrapnel emitted at the pull of a trigger,
avoid your heart so tender
and find their way back to the sender.
I think this may work. Thank you for pointing that out, I wasn't very sure of the last line.
How you are thinking of fixing it sounds much better. I'm glad I could help!
Hey there!
you didnt have much for me to comment on...
(which is a good thing) 
I would definitely love to see more of what you write, so feel free to let me know if you ever need something reviewed!!! 
I like what you have going here!!! 
Ok so a pretty short review here...
I liked it, not something I would usually sit around reading, on the other hand I found a little attraction there.
Good luck with any editing/altering that you end up doing!
Josie
I'm not sure this is really a review. This is honestly kinda rude I think. I posted my work to hopefully hear some critiques and suggestions. I'm glad you enjoyed it...or I think you did, you weren't very clear. I would really appreciate any real review you could offer here.
Hey @ooh4764,
Best of luck with this! Since I didnt make it clear yesterday I REALLY like this and I look forward to seeing how it all turns out! Have a great day!!!
Im really sorry, I realize now rereading my review that I wasnt as clear as I should have been!!!!
I did really like it, what I meant by saying its not something I usually would sit around reading was just trying to let you know that you really grabbed me with it. So it was totally meant as a compliment! :/ Sorry I realize I was confusing!
Im sorta new with reviewing, having quite got the whole hang of it especially with poems... but Im working on getting better!!!
I read that a review was supposed to encourage and cheer on the writer as well as offer advice ect on changes. I read that somewhere on this site. So since I didnt have any real advice to offer I thought I would go ahead and try to cheer you on. I realize that I did a lousy job, but please know that was my intention!!!