He said let's ride into the setting sun,
but should we set such plans in motion?
With words, he paints a set of paradise for us,
no worry greater than who should set the table.
I am pottery, just now being formed, but one day I will set
like the hardened frowns settled on your face.
Will he love me then, with my sets of woes and worries?
I pack, wanting to believe our love is set in stone,
but not our fates. Between some clothes, I set a picture
of you and I playing with my tea set in the backyard. You wish
we could live in that setting forever, but children grow, Mother.
You say we are not set to live as one, but how would you know?
If we fail, I will reset and try again. I love you, but I must escape this town
to have a chance at life before they set my bones into the ground.
A/N: This is a sonnienzo for the NaPoverse challenge Link for explanation. I chose to start it off with the first line from Into the Setting Sun, a sonnet that explains the mother's perspective that I wrote during last year's NaPo. I really like how it turned out.
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Hiya!
So.
You start off with a very specific image of riding off into the setting sun, and then your'e talking about this specific He for the rest of that stanza. Then, the second stanza, you switch to "we" and "you." Third stanza is mostly "I" and "my mother." Fourth stanza is "I" and "they."
These switching around of characters and pronouns really confused me as a reader. What happened to the setting sun? I can see some ties back to it in the final stanza, but not really enough to satisfy me.
I like the thoughts behind this, but they are kind of obscured by a veil of vagueness. I'm trying to picture everything that is going on in this, but even though there is a lot of concrete imagery, the images don't mold together. It feel like you should pick a specific theme to center around, or at least, try not to tell so many stories with the themes that you do have.
(For an example, this poem has one story ("love") with a lot of themes: "an avocado seed aspiring to roots, a grandfather clock, a stocked pond, and a nuclear weapons test." http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/ode-love )
Anyway, I think those are the main difficulties I'm having with this poem. I bet it's a lot clearer to you, because it reads like a very personal poem, based on personal circumstances. And maybe I'm blind to all the theme that actually was in there.
Let me know if you have any questions, and Keep writing!
~fort
Thanks for the review!
It's actually not personal at all...is that a compliment that you thought that? I'm not sure. Anyway it's basically a lot of wordplay off the word "set" and a response piece to the mother's sonnet (see A/N above). I didn't really edit it much before I posted it, so that's probably why the pronoun craziness crept in.
I've edited, smoothing out the pronouns and revamping the last two stanzas. Though I just noticed the third stanza still has some weird pronouns. I'll go fix that really quick.
I'd say the main theme is a conflict between love/loyalty to her mother and her rebellion/desire for her lover. But in the end, she wants to go and live life her way. I think this is clearer now.
Thanks again for the review!
Much better. Last time it was hard for me to even grasp what was happening. Now it's very clear. The final stanza is striking me as a bit skoogy though. Maybe it's the floweriness of the "live as one" and also I'm not sure what the concept of "trying again" is. Is she just going to abandon this guy if something goes wrong?
But overall, very effective editing.
Hm...good point. I was meaning it more as "if he dumps me, I'll be okay" but I get where you got your interpretation from. I'll have to think about how to fix that.
hey..just a little attempt. Just my own interpretation based on my very little knowledge in poetry review.
I love this poetry...
it is just so romantic; though it is common no more but this time it appeals different from what i have read or heard before.
"He said let's ride into the setting sun,
but I know I should not set such things in motion."
The first line is very attractive which literally took my attention. It's a romantic invitation to imply that the two of them will flee and be happy together. The second is a job well done of how the persona had a contrasting feeling of going with the man and going not-for she knows she mustn't but her heart tells her the other way.
I agree about the good metaphor used-that they're pottery being formed. Then they may be in any shape or size depending on who molds them; here I guess depends on what they really wanted to be. Which might bring the conclusion that they are the clay for the pot and they are also the ones who mold it, if I am not mistaken here.
I also think that the persona's decision here is greatly influenced by her mother. It wasn't just the mother who can't let go, but she herself has thoughts of going no more. This will be concluded from the line, "In my suitcase, I set a picture of a girl
who still played house with kitchen sets" this may mean that the thoughts of staying for her mom and the memories must have also bothered her a little. There are still uncertainties of her decisions but when she has already decided, then there she asks that she must be set free, "If I am to thrive, Mother, you must set me down."
But honestly, this poem is really very good.
I don't think I'll be able to write a good poem as this for now.
I still need to read....read... and read. Then learn from all of it.
I really thank you. I learned from this poem.
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that i agree with you, that this poem did turn out well and kinda reminds me of a song i have heard once. Since the daughter wants to run away from a stranger yet her mother forbids it for happening (i guess in a sense like Romeo and Juliet). Also I enjoyed the metaphor about pottery since people are like pots; you can break them yet when they grow or something, they are forming into something more than what they are like a vase. Also i enjoyed there is beat since in the third chuck of this poem, you write a stanza then continue on with another one (continuing on with the first stanza and writing the rest of the stanza into the second one; if that makes sense.)
for this stanza i would suggest putting quotation marks since later on, you add quotation marks and that seems a little uneven. However, when if you leave it just the same, i think it mean that he said it in the past rather than the future or present.Nitpick(s):
Even though that most poems have few mistakes, they have the strongest message to them since this one has a message of a fear of growing up since the mother wants to keep the child here with her. Also I enjoyed how the reader has changed since in the beginning she was wary of leaving her mother yet at the end, she is understanding that she must grow up in order to be with this man or something. Plus this does remind me of Romeo and Juliet since she wants to leave yet her parents forbid it (sorta like a secret relationship or something).
Farewell,
Tuesday
Thanks! I'm not sure if I intended it to be so much forbidden as restricting (say, she has a curfew, they can't be alone together), but either interpretation works. And if you read the first sonnet, you'll see the mother has her reasons for being worried...
Thanks again!
Ah! That would make sense! And you are most welcome!