Does she read the paper still?
Will she notice my name?
Will she come see me sleeping
when I can't run away?
It was her alone who loved me,
her alone who tried,
her alone who held my hand
even as she cried.
Some men are made for holy vows,
but I was meant to lie.
Fair as she was, I had to chase
another butterfly.
The years have passed, and now I find
I long for days of old.
None by my side, I dream of her
so my bed seems less cold.
Is there forgiveness in her heart?
It's far too late to tell,
But mine will spend its final beats
locked under her spell.
As the Reaper stands before me,
It's her and her alone I see.
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi, niteowl! This is pinkie! I like to be your reviewer for the May Review Day. I hope you like my review!
Well, I see people did the part on the errors!. I guess do my favorite part of the review: tell about your poem.
I will agree with the people about this poem! This IS a amazing poem! I liked it! No! I love it! A lot! When I read it, I enjoyed how the words speaks to me like it's reading me a bedtime story! However, you should write the another verse like the people say. It looks like you tried to finish it. However, you kept it flowing as I read it. I really like it!
Awesome Job!
Cheers
Your reviewer, pinkiegirl13
P.S.: Happy Review Day!
Hello niteowl, and happy review day!
Wow, this is a really excellent poem! It's sweet and melancholy, and very emotional. The rhythm and rhyme mostly worked, except for in the few spots that previous reviewers already pointed out.
Although I know that you want the last two lines to stand out, I still think that it sounds clunky and unnecessary. You could add something to make it sound less like that, but whatever floats your boat is fine.
This poem was really beautifully written, and the use of figurative language was astounding. I love what you do with the English language. Please, please keep writing works of art like this! Fantastic job!
I really love this! I read this twice because there were some parts I really thought were great! My favorite lines are, "Fair as she was, I had to chase another butterfly." I absolutely love that line. I thought it was such a unique metaphor! When I read that line I feel some empathy for the man and the woman. It really seemed like this man was telling a story! I also liked the lines, "As the Reaper stands before me, It's her and her alone I see." I thought that was a GREAT way to end the poem! The only thing I didn't like in the poem is how name and away don't rhyme in the first stanza but in all of the other stanzas the first and third lines rhyme. The rhyme scheme just doesn't seem balanced with that, but besides that this poem was FANTASTIC I loved it!
Thanks for the review! Personally, I consider name and away a subtractive rhyme, which in my mind is preferable to a "perfect" rhyme that makes no sense (a common occurrence in novice poets). See below comment if you're bored/interested.
Hey niteowl! Sis here for a review! I don't remember if I've reviewed any of your poems before, so I'll explain how I do this. Pros and cons, my favorite part, overall.....I really feel like I'm missing something....*sigh*
Cons:
1.
Okay, so I've bolded the part that threw me off. You rhyme this part in every other stanza but here name and away don't rhyme...
2.
This line kinda confused me a bit and threw off the flow. I'm not sure exactly how to fix it in this case, but something...
3.
As I see FiguringOutLife said before me, this stanza kinda needs more lines. It messes up the rhyming pattern and threw off the flow.
Pros:
1.
I absolutely love the rhyme in this stanza. It's so unique and I really looove it
My favorite part:
Overall:
This poem is really beautiful in the way it's written and portrayed. Great job niteowl! Keep up the amazing work!! I can't wait to read more from you!!
Keep writing and, as always, keep smiling! See ya around the site!
-Sis
Thanks for the review!
About rhyming "name" and "away": It was a conscious choice. It's not a perfect rhyme, but it is a subtractive rhyme. More info here. I admit it's a bit jarring with the rest being perfect rhymes, but I'd hate to sacrifice meaning for a "perfect" rhyme.
About "so my bed seems less cold". Hm...you have a point. Maybe "to make my bed less cold"?
About the ending: I don't want it to look like the other stanzas. The intent was to make the couplet stand out, sort of like at the end of a sonnet or villanelle. If I add on, it will be a separate stanza.
Thanks again!
Yeah the bed thing sounds much better
and I understand the couplet! I do that too lol...
I liked this a lot. Painting the image of a life of a man who has regrets, and I could feel his emotion through your words.
Some men are made for holy vows,
but I was meant to lie.
Fair as she was, I had to chase
another butterfly.
The last two lines of this stanza threw me off a little bit. I like what you're saying, but having 'I had to chase another butterfly' broken up didn't flow too well. I would put
Fair as she was,
I had to chase another butterfly.
Also, in the last bit:
As the Reaper stands before me,
It's her and her alone I see.
I would put another line or two in there. Having only these last two lines left me feeling like I was missing something. I liked how you wrapped it up with those words, but I would elaborate more.
I hope this helped some. Great job
Thanks for the review! About the line breaks, I have the syllable counts the same for each verse, as I cannot stand rhyming lines otherwise. You're right about adding on, though. I may add another verse. Thanks again!