she clings to false prophets in a stolen car,
driving north through the night to the island of her dreams.
god told me nicole don't you see nicole?
i'm the chosen one, the world is so beautiful
and it's all mine to photograph.
this island is not enough for me.
come home, i beg, but counterfeit deities scream louder.
she drives west through the forest,
speeding past the greatest lakes.
i'll be safe soon, once i'm out of this state.
god alone knows where i'm going, they'll never find me.
tell them nothing, nicole.
i heard god once, i remind her,
and i woke up in the er
knowing the world was going to end.
did it end? i ask.
no, but it's different for me
you're just jealous, nicole
he called me west and so I drive
until the money's all gone
and the cops almost caught her
and i talked her into driving back home
staying just this side of sane
until they can get her safe to a ninth floor psych ward
where she still says
god is calling me to run.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey! Cello here!
I must admit, it took me a second read over to get a hang of the perspectives, but once I got it, everything seemed 10x more meaningful and beautiful. I like your lack of capitalization, it really adds to the 'lost' and more or less 'desperate' sense. (I can't put it into words, sorry.) Some of your punctuation was questionable though. For most of the time, you used proper punctuation but occasionally you slipped up.
'God told me, nicole. don't you see, nicole?'
'and it's all mine to photograph.' or maybe even 'and it's all mine to photograph;'
'no, but it's different for me.'
'you're just jealous, nicole'
'driving back home, staying just on this side of sane.'
(Maybe double check that suggestion...)
Other than that, this was amazing. Even though it was just a short poem, it told an amazing story. Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
(I don't usually review works over a week or two old but in the spirit of review day...)
I really liked this. The changing of the indents and italics was nice, I thought. The wording was also really good. I just have a few things I would change:
-
Maybe you could have a comma after the first word nicole in the first line. I think it would read better that way, but if you didn't want a comma, you could also use a dash too. Also, on the second line, I didn't feel like the two parts were related. Maybe you could add something in there to help you see the relation. You don't have to take my suggestions, and since I'm not great at reviewing poetry, I might be totally wrong.
As for the lack of punctuation, I think the poem would have done better with it, but that's just my opinion. I loved the words and the meaning, though. The poem was very unique and I really enjoyed reading it. Great job!
Hey niteowl
TS here reviewing.
If it was to signify her breaking down, her craziness, then yes I can be at peace with it... But in that case be consistently crazy. In some cases grammar as regards commas is perfect but in others it's off the mark completely. It's just a minor thing but when focused on it kind of grows in my mind.
I liked this. It really made me think. I'm not sure that I've read or reviewed any of your pieces yet so I was excited to see the unique formatting (I'm not that horrible guy who reviews formatting and spelling errors) system you had going on. It just caught my eye.
As for the content, I really enjoyed having to work some things out, mainly because with a small amount of concentration I could work them out, unlike other poems where the writer might as well have shown you a dead fish and said "interpret this". This was just the right amount of confusing to engage me but not lose me. Well done.
I understand that the lack of capitals is just another kind of uniqueness you're trying to add, but I don't like it... I don't see any deeper meaning to it, and in that case it's JUST bad grammar added in for the purpose of uniqueness. But - as I said - the fact that there's no deeper meaning identifiable here that uniqueness is tarnished by the fact that it's such an obvious grab for it. Not that I wouldn't support grabbing for it, it's just... don't be so obvious about it
I enjoyed the content. I think you did a great job of describing the girl's situation to us and I liked how you finished up. but I'm confused as to what you are, are you a voice in her head? A friend? I'm not sure, and I think maybe you could add in just one more section making this point more evident.
Overall I thought it was a really good piece (I won't do that x/y grading system that some horrible critics have taken to using because I think it's way too simple for something so expansive and so deep as poetry) and I'm happy to review it, really. I hope I could help because your writing is clearly well thought out and I'd love to say I had a hand in developing it further. Maybe try some descriptive writing in the future, I'm better at reviewing that so I feel I could help a whole lot more.
Yours in ink,
TS.