Without him you are incomplete,
But where he went I do not know.
I have but one sock for my feet.
Like a bed with just one sheet
Or no case for its lone pillow,
Without him you are incomplete.
I can’t tell who he went to meet.
On what adventures your kind go!
I have but one sock for my feet.
My other socks do not smell sweet
Oh please convince your mate to show!
Without him you are incomplete.
I suppose that I will have to cheat
And pull a look-alike from the row.
I have but one sock for my feet.
Perhaps I could have been more neat!
Now I’ll pay with a frozen toe.
Without him you are incomplete.
I have but one sock for my feet.
A/N: This was my entry for "Not Your Average Villanelle", where we had to use the villanelle form (Google it if you're not familiar) on something different than the normal topics (love, nature, etc.) I got the silver medal! :)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey! ajruby here to review.
Okay, so as soon as I saw the title to this, I may or may not have immediately burst out laughing at the idea... Anyway, back to the point.
I really like this whole idea, and I think that the whole thing is well done. But just a couple things...
1. There are a few places where the punctuation isn't correct. I know, I know, it's not something you normally really worry about but it is important.
2. "Like a bed with just one sheet
Or no case for its lone pillow,
Without him you are incomplete."
That line seems to be missing something, but I'm not sure what... I think that it could be phrased a little better, if possible.
Good job on this poem! Keep up the good work!
-Lady Ariana
Thanks for the review! Yeah, I think I tend to miss punctation when I'm writing in a form like this. About that stanza, I think I see what you mean. I like the sound of the second line but perhaps "or a pillow with no case". Or I might just go away from the bed theme and say something like "or a cap without its pen". Thanks again!
There were a couple of places where the rhythm was a little rough, but there were also some lines that really stood out and made me smile. My favorite lines:
"On what adventures your kind go!"
It's so inexplicably endearing. And:
"I suppose that I will have to cheat
And pull a look-alike from the row."
Anyway, there are definitely places where a syllable or two is missing, and it degrades the smoothness of the poem a bit, but overall this is a pretty cute, simple poem. It's a fun thing to read and although its scheme leaves it rather restricted, you don't let the poem suffer too much from these limitations.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Thank you! Yeah, I wasn't focusing on meter, as that's not a rule of villanelles.
Deadman here with a review for you! This made me chuckle a little. It reminded me of how much I hate it when I can't find my other sock. Gah that's always so annoying! Congrats on the silver medal though!
This poem is full of truths, and you appear to have followed the villanelle form perfectly. From my limited knowledge of the form, you followed the patter properly. That's awesome! Like I said a great poem, it's obviously a humorous poem as well. Heh, don't find too many of those anymore. Okay onto some pros and cons.
Pros-
1. Formatted properly.
2. Made me think as a reader, and the reader can actually connect to it. I'm pretty sure everyone has had this issue at some point, so I think we all can connect to it.
3. Followed proper villanelle form.
4. The poem made it's point clear, and talked about it and a humorous descriptive way.
Cons-
1. You had but one sock for your feet.
Okay, so I didn't find anything wrong, but I'm not the greatest at poems. I liked it, and I think it was well worth that silver medal you got. (I'd like to see the one that got the gold! This one was really good, I couldn't imagine another one beating it.) Well until next time, (brace for bad grammar.) happy writing!
Cheers,
Deadman XD
Thanks! Yeah I think magpie got the gold (I'll have to check the forum). There were a lot of great entries so I'm happy to have placed!
you put on a look-alike and still get a frozen toe? Indeed that is cheating!poor cheating? i dunno.. i didnt know much about the Villanelle form;thanks for the introduction.