Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Ear shattering screams reverberated throughout the motel in perfect timing with the crackling boom that echoed above. The rain came down in violent sheets, the first storm of the season appropriately showing itself on this night of all nights. Another scream made its way through the motel while Amelia snuck her way down the hallway towards her sister’s room. Pulling her dressing robe tighter around her body she moved along the wall silently. If her father knew she was up and walking around at this time of night he would be pissed. However her curiosity got the best of her and she wanted to see if Victoria wanted to go spy with her. As the girls of the family they were always banned from participating in the kills that her brothers got to take part in and Amelia tended to let her jealousy control her actions. She needed to know what they were like. Everytime it seemed to fill her father and older brothers with such vigor she craved to have that for herself.
She looked behind her as yet another scream filled the silence. They started an hour ago, just after the clock in the reception room struck midnight. Making her way closer towards her sister’s bedroom a childish glee bubbled in her chest. How excited she was to finally see what happened in the basement late at night. Reaching her sister’s door Amelia softly knocked and then impatiently tapped her foot while she waited for Victoria to open it. She knew her sister was up. It was common knowledge in the family that Victoria used the dark hours to read, she always claimed that the peacefulness of the night made it more relaxing and easier to picture the scenes laid out on the pages. Whatever that meant. Amelia didn’t understand her sometimes, books were boring to her. When her sister failed to answer her knock Amelia opened the door insead and peaked her head inside. She glanced around for a second before she spotted her sister curled up in the cushioned chair that sat in the far corner of the room.
“Psst, Tori.” She hissed, annoyed.
“Go back to bed Amelia.” Tori responded without looking up from the book in her hands, her whisper almost lost amongst another booming crack of thunder.
“Oh come on Tori, just hear me out.”
“No. I know what you’re going to say and my response is going to be the same it is every time you sneak down here. Now go back to your room before you get in trouble.”
“But I don’t want to. Aren’t you a little bit curious to see what they do down there?” Amelia stepped into the room, her defiance clear on her face.
Victoria closed the book and set it in her lap as she looked up at her baby sister. There wasn’t much light in the room, only the faint glow that emitted from the candle next to her but she could still make out Amelia’s small figure.
“Listen Amelia you know the rules and you coming here just shows how immature you still are. You’re not old enough to go down there and frankly you shouldn’t be there no matter how old you are.”
“Ugh Tori you sound just like father.”
“Exactly. That means you should listen to what I’m telling you.”
“Why though?”Amelia whined, “it’s not fair. I want to see what happens. Why can’t I just go and observe.”
“Because what happens down there is unladylike so you should just go back to bed and try to forget it.”
Amelia looked at her sister again, her annoyance growing. She was sick and tired of just going to bed and trying to forget. It was hard to forget when she could hear them downstairs. The screaming, the laughing, it was all inviting. So terribly inviting.
“What are you still doing here Amelia, go away.” Victoria picked up the book again, brushing off her sister's glare.
“Fine.” Amelia huffed as she walked back into the hallway, closing the door behind her. “I’ll just go down there myself.”
Ann Riddle gasped for air as another wave of pain made its way through her body. She couldn’t remember how long she’d been down here but she so desperately wanted to get out. It had to have been at least a couple days now and her body ached all over. The pain in her hand brought her back to the present and a crippling scream escaped her lips. Looking down all she could see was the blood that covered her, the metallic smell sending more nausea to her stomach. She knew something looked different about her hand but in the moment she couldn’t quite place it. Besides the blood nothing seemed out of place, her wrist strained against the leather straps and her fingers scrapped against the metal armrest. Wait, Oh My God. Without warning bile shot through her throat and the vomit followed. They cut off my finger. Holy hell they cut it off. The bloody stump that once was her pinky flowed freely with fresh blood, the sight of the shredded muscle and exposed bone caused another rush of vomit to fill her mouth. Ann cried as she tried yet again to get out of the chair she had been strapped to. Her fear caused her heart to race and beads of sweat rolled down her neck. The throbbing in her hand got stronger as she focused on the ghastly sight.
“They’re going to kill me. They’re going to kill me. Oh my God they’re going to kill me.” Ann sobbed as she rocked her body.
With every bounce backwards the remnants of her finger hit the metal of the wrist strap. The pain started to consume her now. Her mind reeling from the blood loss. She choked back another round of vomit and tried to calm her breathing. Ann knew that somewhere they stood watching, she could feel their eyes on her. The softness of their sharp laughs hitting her skin like bullets. Her lip quivered, the salty taste of her tears mixed with the vomit still on her tongue.
Someone moved behind her, the motion causing a ruffle of air to skim her neck. Goosebumps spreading. Metal clanged as whoever it was sifted through the items on the table. No more. Please no more. Someone else was helping now, the small room growing even smaller as Ann’s heart rate increased and her fear grew deeper.
“You have very pretty hair my dear,”his breath tickled, “do you mind if I touch it?”
Ann’s head slammed back against the headrest as she felt fingers grip her hair and pull. Scrunching her eyes tight she yelped when she could feel chunks of hair pulled from her scalp. When is this going to end. I just want it to end. I don't know how much more I can take. Her head pounded now, the pain in her scalp mixing with the throbbing of her hand. She could feel small pinpricks of blood bubble along her scalp. Another sharp yank. Another cry as more hair ripped its way free. The agony was endless and as the man behind her continued to pull her hair out Ann’s vision blurred. Dark circles invading her eyes. She welcomed them, hoping that when she inevitably passed out her mind could create a barrier and take her somewhere else. Anywhere else.
“Oh don’t you dare go and pass out on me sweet thing.”The man cooed. “It’s not fun when you don’t fight back. Alexander boy, why don’t you get our girl here something to keep her awake.”He yelled to someone Ann couldn’t see.
“Why are you doing this?”Ann choked.
“Because it’s fun,”the man laughed, “what other reason do I need.”
His laugh was deep and hearty and it reminded Ann of someone. Her stomach twisted and untwisted as she realized that he actually meant what he said. This was all but a game to him. A twisted game and she was only a pawn. The man let go of her hair and slowly made his way in front of her, the clinking of something heavy dragging behind him. She swallowed more vomit, refusing to let it come back out. She could see him now, standing in front of her. He was tall, so tall she thought. Where have I seen him. I know I’ve seen him before. Ann glanced down at his feet, heavy work boots now covered in blood. Her blood. And there, leaning against his shoe was the wood axe. Her stomach dropped as she tried to picture all the reasons why he would have it in his hand. A million different images racing through her brain, all of them more sinister than the next. She continued to eye the blade, forgetting for a moment the pain.
“Do you like it?”
Ann looked up to see the man staring down at her. He was smiling, his lips pulled taut over his teeth.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it,” he continued, “I got it when I was but a little older than my youngest son. A gift from my father. He was rather fond of axes. Owned a couple himself. I like to think that he’s standing beside me every time I use one.”
The man leaned down to meet Ann’s eyes, his smile never leaving his face. At this distance she could clearly make out his features. Narrowed green eyes, brown hair that grew untamed along his lips and chin and the small purplish splotch that mimicked a bruise right below his left eyebrow. She knew who he was now. Ann couldn’t forget that bruise no, a birthmark that sat so distinguishably on his face. Lazarus Wolff. The name was like poison on the tip of her tongue and it burned like acid as it slid down her throat. Ann had helped him and his quiet wife a few weeks prior at the hardware store. She tried to remember what they had bought but the memory was slipping her as she continued to stare back.
“You remember me don’t you. Ah nonetheless it doesn’t matter, you won’t be able to tell anyone soon enough.”
Lazarus stood up, his eyes skimming Ann’s beaten body. “It’s a shame really that my sons chose you. You could have been quite useful to me.”He stopped talking and motioned for his son to come closer. “Alexander why don’t you give our dear friend Mrs. Riddle here the epinephrine you so kindly brought us. I want her to be very aware of what I’m about to do next.”
Someone walked over to Ann and she could feel his fingers brush the matted hair from her neck. Without warning the quick sting of a needle pierced her skin and she could feel her pulse race even faster. The adrenaline boost cleared her mind and she was very cognizant of her surroundings for the first time since the night started. It was like everything became so crystal clear.
“Now that that’s settled why don’t we get on with it.”Lazarus lifted the axe off the floor. Resting the head in his hand he stroked the smooth steel carefully, examining it like one would a piece of fruit at a market. He chuckled to himself, the light reflecting off the blade and sparking his eyes.
“So dear, where would you like me to start?”He asked simply.
“What?” Panic pushed her as far against the chair as she could go.
“To cut off. Where should I start?”Lazarus asked again.
“I don’t -I don’t understand”
“Oh come on, it’s a simple question but if I must explain it then I shall. You see I’m going to use this beauty here to chop your limbs off. One by-one. I just thought I’d give you the option as to where I should start.”
His tone grew flat, detached, as if some switch inside him was flipped. Lazarus’s eyes no longer sparkled, instead they grew dark, darker than the room. And his smile became one of predatory glee after one successfully traps their prey.
“Now I will ask again, where would you like me to start.”
“Please. No.”
“It’s already too late for pleading and since you can’t decide I guess I’ll have to decide for you.”
The air inside the basement grew still as Lazarus raised the axe above his head. Ann held her breath, the only sound she could hear was her own heartbeat. It was as if time stood still for a second, waiting alongside her for the blade to come down. God please have mercy.
End of chapter
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Hi there!
I've seen you've got a few sections of this still in the green room so I'm going to try and review them for you. I had a quick skim read of some of the earlier chapters but I'm not very proficient at horror/suspense... I'll do my best to comment something of value!
There's quite a chunk of info in this paragraph. Perhaps splitting it in two would make it easier to keep track of. I would split before 'however'. Also, you need a comma after however! The sentence I've highlighted in bold could also do with rewording. I would suggest: 'as one of the girls of the family, she was always banned from participating...' and continue from there. The 'and' you use at the end of the sentence makes it hard to understand as it is.
Again, I'd start a new paragraph here.
This is a bit jarring as I hadn't realised you'd switched PoVs. Could you maybe make the separation clearer using ********* or something similar?
Massive paragraph! Splitting it would make it easier to read, and can also be a good method of dragging out the tension.
Need a question mark after 'need'.
Missing question mark at the end of the first sentence.
Another question mark missing!
So overall this kind of story isn't really my thing, but I can tell that you've written it well. The pacing could do with a little adjustment, though I think that will be fixed by splitting up some paragraphs.
I'm very intrigued by Amelia's character... though she's enthralled by the violence I can't seem to stop the feeling that there's something more to her. So I'm interested to see more of her!
Hope this was helpful
Icy
Hello there! I went to the next chapter in this novel that was still in the Green Room so that I can give you feedback on the newer sections. I think it's interesting to see where such a violent and complicated story can go from the "murder" beginning.
This chapter having more of Lazarus, the father and who I assume is a bit worse than the rest of his family, is a choice I think I like, but I'm also a bit confused again. I would again recommend to not switch the point-of-view too often in a single chapter, especially in a chapter split into two parts. Too many changes (here I think there are two), can totally throw off the reader and can make them rather confused as to who the main characters are and what importance these scenes will have later in the story.
Having a view from one of the sisters in this family is actually interesting to me, but I feel a bit of worry that there are going to be too many characters here to really distinguish people - now we have Amelia, who seems younger-ish and is jealous of her male family members; Victoria, who seems older, uninterested, and weirdly societal; not to mention Ann, Ellie, and all of the murderous guys. If the reader gets the viewpoint of a few set characters - perhaps Christian, Ellie, Amelia, and Ann (until I assume her death), then they can establish what's going on more from their actual views, and can learn more from them individually.
As far as the plot for this chapter, I kind of like it, but I don't especially love the horror/violence factor. I'm honestly more interested in why these characters have come to this point to easily kill someone, even someone they knew previously, like Lazarus hurting Ann, and how this seems to involve an entire family enjoying murdering others. I do feel sympathy for Ann, and I'm equally horrified with Amelia wanting to see the torture, while Lazarus is calm and cool when asking where she wants to be hurt first.
One last bit of advice would be formatting - there are at least five large chunks of text which reads as rather blocky to a reader trying to scroll through the story. I would recommend taking those apart a bit. Besides that, the scary/terrifying tone is still strong, and I'm hopeful Ann won't die yet.