"In the name of the spirit of God that resides within us all..."
200 years earlier
The sickling-sweet essence of fresh cut grass and recently jarred honey flew on the breeze. Children ran around laughing, their voices like wind chimes bouncing off the walls of the village houses. They chased one another through the streets splashing their feet in the puddles of water that accumulated from the recent rain. Tag is what they called it. Women stood with weaved wooden baskets at their sides, hanging the fresh linen on the line while their husbands sat under the sagging porches smoking cigars and chatting about the recent harvest.
It was a decent crop this year for most, enough to get them all through winter. Yet, like always, the men complained about how it could be better, how they could provide for their families more if they had the money and a lot more time. But then again, like always as well, it wasn't them who controlled the harvest season nor was it them who controlled the harvest itself. It was the year, the rain, and mother nature. So as the hours passed, the men would sit and complain about things that may never be changed and the women would hang the laundry shaking their head smiling.
It was on one of these perfect days that the setting sun and the roll of the mountain road carried with them a stranger. A mangled mass of dirt and hair and clothes, a man who dragged behind him the chain of defeat. He smelled of the pine trees and body odor and when he looked up his eyes were cast with a blanket of pain. As he reached the edges of the village people stopped dead in their tracks, for they hadn't seen a man as such before. The children ran and hid and the men sat straighter, weary. His lips parted as if he had something to say but then they closed again and he just continued walking.
It was then, that they could see the blood which plastered his clothes to his body, and his feet, they left small pools of crimson with each step. He walked until someone stood in his way and then he stopped and let his shoulders hang low. With one glance up towards the fading light he let out a scream, crumpling to the ground.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey there! Thought I'd drop by for a quick review.
I can't tell you whether or not your prologue is relevant/necessary just from reading only it - I'd have to read the whole novel. I will say, though, that I know that even though a lot of publisher frown upon prologues, they can still work really well if you have the right genre and tone of novel. The benefit of this one is that it's short and mysterious, so you actually do a great job hooking the reader without making them wonder why we're spending so much time in a place that's probably not where the main bulk of the novel is set. You get straight to the point, and in turn that immediately builds the suspense.
This made me suspect that the narrator was somehow inhuman, or at least an outsider to the society, since he/she/they/it act like they aren't familiar with the the concept of tag. But then from what's described in the paragraph after, it seems like the narrator is really familiar with the town. It just feels a little inconsistent, and honestly I don't think the paragraph after is necessary. You've already set the scene - we already know this is an average village with ordinary folk whose lives are about to change. The extra information doesn't highlight anything special about this village.
The final "they" should be "which" to avoid a comma splice, and there shouldn't be a comma after "It was then." That being said, I really liked this imagery here. Easily the best part of the prologue, very haunting and compelling.
And I think that's all I've got for you! Good luck with this novel, and keep writing!
thank you so much for your review. I hope you read the rest.
Hey just stopping by for a quick review! Some of these are of course my opinion so feel free to do with them what you wish! It is always a little interesting reviewing a prologue, since it gives merely a taste of the story, and is supposed to draw you in more then anything!
I applaud the picture you are trying to create but essence just sounds weird to me personally and it kind of detracts from the flow of the sentence. I think smell would fit better, my opinion though!
Mother Nature should be capitalized since it is a proper noun here.
Head should be plural since it is multiple women shaking their heads, and not a single head for all the women.
I would cut out some of the ands in both of these sentences and replace them with commas, just to help the flow. So do, “of dirt, hair, and clothes, a man…” and maybe, “pine trees, body odor, and when he looked up…”
This sentence just sounds odd to me. I think it would flow better if you tried, “For they hadn’t seen such a man before.” Or something like that? Once again my opinion, but the flow was just odd to me when I was reading it.
You use "his" three times pretty close together, and even though I love the imagery you are conveying, I feel like it makes things a little choppy. I also feel like the descriptions would flow better if you made this into two sentences. I would try to reword it, something like, “They could see the blood which plastered the clothes to his body and feet. Small pools of crimson left with every step that he took.” Just an idea!
You got something interesting here for sure! I enjoy how you paint a quaint picture before injecting it with something terrible and out of place. Two two opposites play well together, and are enjoyable to read.
It is odd to me that it takes 200 years earlier, and it makes me wonder if this man will actually apply to the story to come or not? Which is good to leave your reader with because hopefully that draws them in to read more!
Thanks for the read, if you have any questions feel free to let me know!
Thank you so much for review. About the 200 years earlier part: in a sense the man does apply to the story but he's not really that important. In-fact this is the only time any of these characters are mentioned at all, but that said, there's an importance to this small scene that will hopefully make sense later on [if you decide to read what ever I post later.] Again, thanks so much for the review.