• Home

Young Writers Society

It ended at Midnight -Chapter 6

by myjaspercat


Soft sunshine filtered itself through the trees. It's warmth caressing my skin. I breathed deeply, relishing in the freshness of the air around me. It had been a long time since I had felt so at peace and right now, I wanted to savor every precious moment. I couldn't figure out where I was, but it was so beautiful. All around me the forest glowed golden, like the sun, and it held a lilac haze to it eerie and haunting. I stretched out my arms besides me, my fingers brushing the leaves of the trees around. The water that had collected from the recent rain trickled from my fingertips and down my arms. It was cold, the kind of cold that seeped into my bones. It made me feel more alive than I had felt in along long time. There was no way I was still in the woods that surrounded our little town of Falkirk. But if I wasn't in the woods then where the hell was I?

"Are you enjoying yourself little one?"

I jumped a little, confused as to why I didn't hear any one approach. Normally I was pretty good at picking up the sounds of footsteps or someone's breathing. I had to be it was my only defense mechanism that allowed me to always prepare myself for the worst to come. But this time I let this person come upon me so suddenly. I cursed inwardly, turning around in an attempt to put a face to the voice that rudely assaulted my peace. Yet, there was no one. Nothing in sight except for the beautiful forest and the sunshine. I inhaled deeply, letting the breath go in a long slow sigh. I was just being paranoid that's all. How could anyone else be out here, wherever here was. My fingers brushed the leaves again, making their bodies dance with the movement. I loved it here. It was so serene. I never wanted to leave.

"But you must child. You belong back in Briar Haven where you shall lead your people to greatness."

There it was again, the voice. Spinning on the balls of my feet I turned around almost losing balance and falling into the tall fern that grew to my right. I didn't know what or who I was looking for until my eyes rested on a shimmering figure a little way off into the distance. The audible gasp lodged in my throat as I watched the light morph into the most wonderfully beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life. It was like the fairytales my mother used to tell us when we were little about goddesses and magic and beauty. Back before my mother decided that she had no use of me and stole away the stories so only my sister could hear. The woman who stood before me now was most defiantly a goddess, she had to be.

"You are but half right Meldoy. I am a goddess of sorts, but I am also so much more."

I shook my head a little, confused. How did she know what to say, I sore I only thought that not spoke it out loud. The woman walked towards me, her stride confident and graceful. The foliage around her seemed to move away out of respect, no, maybe it was fear. Her long golden white hair flowed freely down her back in soft curls that shimmered at the ends. The dress she wore hugged her figure closely. But when the hem reached her ankles and when her sleeves reached her wrists it billowed out in silky fabric that made her look like she was floating on air. Maybe she was. I wanted to say something, to ask her how she knew my name or even how she knew what I was thinking but I couldn't. My tongue felt heavy in my mouth almost like it was too afraid to laden her with its insignificant words. I tried so hard to force the words out of my mouth that it burned my throat, their letters jumbled around and lodging themselves into my flesh.

The woman continued walking towards me, her lips pulled up into a welcoming smile. Her eyes looked over my body, their golden hue assessing the state that I was in. And her smile turned down a little, the corners of her lips almost the beginning of a scowl. "My dear child, what has happened to you? Why are you covered in dirt and foliage. This is no way my legacy should be passed on." Her long, manicured fingers reached out and plucked a stray leaf from behind my ear.

Confusion clouded my brain, I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about at all. What legacy and how was I apart of it. The unease settled itself in my stomach slowly, twisting everything inside me into a jumbled mess of nerves. The lilac light that had started off so comforting and beautiful melted away into deeper shades of purple, it suffocated everything around me. I couldn't breathe. She kept smiling at me, her mouth moving in inaudible words, but I couldn't make them out. Instead, my ears rang with unseen voices all around me. My brain pounding against my skull at the sound. I was beginning to feel hot, really hot, like my skin was burning from the inside out.

The goddess's face shifted, she looked at me with pity as if she knew what was happening to me. I could feel the tears start to ball up in the corners of my eyes threatening to spill over. I wanted to breathe, why couldn't I breathe? Why was I burning up? Where were these voices coming from? What was happening? The scream that tore from my throat carried all the words I couldn't say before and they ripped at the flesh. Oh god someone help me. Please. 

Is this a review?



User avatar
659 Reviews

Points: 82352
Reviews: 659

Fri Sep 30, 2022 9:05 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...


RandomTalks here with a short review!

It took me a while to get back to your novel, but here I am!

The one thing that stands out the most for me in this chapter is the descriptions (especially at the beginning). You have painted such vivid and stunning pictures with just your words that I could imagine the scene in front of my eyes. Your use of words, colors and adjectives all added so beautifully to the scenery that I could feel the peace it emanated. It was truly a breath-taking scene that arrests our attention at once and sets some standards for this chapter.

I liked the description of the woman, or rather the goddess. It is difficult to imagine what role she is supposed to serve now, but I am a little curious to find out how extensive this world of yours is. Goddesses and werewolves - it definitely is an interesting crossover of various fantasy and mythological elements and I am interested to see how they fit in the frame you have imagine for this story.

I also liked the way this calm and peaceful image progressed to evolve slowly but surely to a picture of horror and terror near the end. I liked the fact that the transition was balanced just correctly with Melody's muddled thoughts and shifting descriptions. It was not rushed and I could actually feel the swift change as like a mirage, the calm shattered and gave way to a more terrifying and helpless situation for Melody. It seemed to me that she was transforming into a wolf in the end, as suggested by "they ripped at the flesh", but as of now, it is hard to predict what exactly is happening in the story.

Now coming to the criticisms, the main problem is once again the punctuations. This chapter was crafted so beautifully, yet the lack of appropriate punctuations completely disrupted the flow for me and took me out of the narration. For example,

All around me the forest glowed golden, like the sun, and it held a lilac haze to it eerie and haunting.

This sentence contained such a beautiful visual imagery and the absence of the comma completely changed the flow of the latter half of the sentence.

There are also times when you use periods instead of question marks and they stick out more distinctly since they are questions that are written in the format of statements.

Otherwise, there is nothing wrong with this chapter and it made for an interesting read and a significant addition to the novel!

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Until next time!

User avatar
461 Reviews

Points: 6251
Reviews: 461

Sat Sep 03, 2022 9:15 pm
Horisun wrote a review...

Hello! I hope you are having a good day or night!
The visuals in this chapter were spectacular. Over the course of this scene, it progressed from a refuge to a trap, quicksand in which Melody was drowning in. I thought it was extremely clever.
By far my favorite line though was

Her long, manicured fingers reached out and plucked a stray leaf from behind my ear.

It served both to characterize the mysterious women, well also giving an idea of her appearance, and, on top of all that, built upon Melodies relationship with this lady.
I did notice a few spelling errors, such as "Meldoy" in paragraph six, "defiantly" where it should be "definitely" in paragraph five.
This is a minor nitpick, but I noticed in the final line
Oh god someone help me. Please.

You switch from past tense to present tense. This may have been intended to be Melodies thoughts. The Young Writers Society may remove italics when you paste your story here from another document. Either way, it's an easy fix.
This chapter was a little short, almost like it was segue into a larger one, but overall, it was of good quality. As I'm sure you know, I'm very curious to discover what happens next, and look forward to reading the next chapter! This mysterious women has me intrigued, and I'm excited to learn more about her connection to Melody. Have a great day! :D

And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley