Course and Destination

Haiii! I'm just going to jump right in here because there's something I want to comment on already:

Here's the story, of two young folks [This doesn't quite have the right sound to it or the imperative tone that would draw a reader in. Try:

There's a story to tell of two young folks

For some reason I want to turn this into a rap. I've only read a few lines so far but already I feel that it should read more like:

There's a story to tell of two young folks
one named Scott and the other named Rose.
They seemed for each other a perfect fit
and may live happily if ever they met.

It's not big changes to the words but it is to the rhythm so I'll leave that with you. You possibly didn't have a rap in mind for this, I think maybe I've just watched the introduction to Romeo and Juliet too often :p]

So they pulled some strings
and tried their level best
for the day that would bring
Fate's ultimate test.
The moment had arrived,
as along the days climbed. [This line feels out of rhythm and now I'm starting to think you did want to rap? Which is very awesome! So, looks like I'm in my element here Anyway, maybe try adding a few more lines so you can put the rhyme in. If that doesn't work though, you can always nix these two lines altogether as it leads quite smoothly into the next stanza even without them. But anyway, possible rhymes:

The moment at last had arrived
for when the days climbed by
and their paths were aligned
so that love might fly. ]

So let's hear the account
of this story's leading couple
and for once, find out
the purpose of this fable. [I'd say you don't need these four lines at all. They feel very repetetive and take the reader out of the action. You've already said let's hear their story so let's hear it! There's no need for any more distractions.]

Into their thoughts, let us course,
First into Scott, and then into Rose [I really like these two lines but I'm not entirely sure about the rhythm or the rhyme. Something is just a tiny bit off. Maybe:

Into their thoughts the fates might browse,
first into Scott and then into Rose

or

Into their thoughts we'll have to course
we'll start with Scott and then come Rose,
working down from the head to the tip of their toes.]

I'm loving the light hearted nature of this by the way and that mix of the old and the new. It's not in any way perfect but it doesn't have to be and I'm finding it amusing despite that.

Rose, with a couple of winks, pauses and thinks- [Maybe 'pauses to think' would flow just that little bit more smoothly?]
"Oh dear Lord, The book I longed to read,
will I ever get, or will he even need? [This line is really forced and not working! Maybe 'Will I ever get it, my thoughts to feed' or 'Will I ever get it, the book I need']
Three days I waited, for it to be shelved
by me I so want, it to be held. [Another one that's pretty off. Perhaps 'and I'll not be put off by another who's held/ the book in his eye for an hour or two/ There really must be something I can do.']
If I don't get, that book for use
I'll have to search, for another muse."

The Fates were at bated breath
while the two were at an arm's length [Maybe while the two were stood at arm's length?]
Scott, kind as he was, offered Rose
the aforementioned book of prose.
She kindly accepts, and they both part ways
The rulers of Fate, are now in a maze. [Maybe 'sadly amazed']

"Why did this happen? What wrong did we do?
Was there some mistake, in the plan that we drew?"
The Fates, confused, were closely speculating
while somewhere else, someone was smiling. [Not sure about the rhyme here! Love the use of speculating and I think you need a more powerful word to match it. Congratulating? In fact: http://www.onelook.com/?loc=rz5&w=*ing&scwo=1&sswo=1. Lots of words to choose from!]

Destiny, she was high above, grinning with joy
as the fates had failed; and foiled was their ploy. [<3<3 Lovely lines!]
For, no matter what the case,
Destiny has her own unique ways

Destiny and Fate, are two different things
But both, together, our life they bring [Not sure about these lines, they're a little bit meh. Too simple I think. You need something fancier, like talk about them tracing lives or parallel paths.]

The ending is lovely! You've done a good job here, it does need tidying up in places but it shows great wit and good fun and makes for a very entertaining read. I'd have loved to see more shreds of character. With Scott we get quite a lot of his personality: comics and kindness. Rose is perhaps more vague. I'd also love to see more from the fates devising how they will do this - did they have other plans initially? Why did they think a book and library would be the best place?

Honestly there's so much you could do with this. I think you're right to bring it out again and dust it off! Just try to cut out some of the rambling and bring a bit more story into it. You're going for entertainment so maybe frame it like an epic, have tasks and challenges and lead up to this final test where destiny beats them to it.

Best of luck!

Heather xxx

I loved reading this poem...
You are such an amazing and talented writer...keep up the great work !

Hi murtuza!

I love this poem to bits. I am highly envious of your rhyming abilities. And I love your story about how destiny and fate are two different things. Most people think of that they are the same (including me although I don't really believe in them).

The poem told a nice story and it was very enjoyable to read.

(this isn't a very useful comment but its here anyways)

Deanie x

You ARE extremely TALENTED!

Sincerely,
Ciara<3

Dear murtuza,
To be honest this form of poetry isn't my specialty. However, this piece is exceptionally unique and interesting. I love it!!!

murtuza wrote:Here's the story, of two young folks
one named Scott, and the other, Rose.
They seemed for each other, perfect
and may live happily, if ever they met.
The Fates contemplated, drew out a plan
to have them meet, now wouldn't that be grand?

So they pulled some strings
and tried their level best
for the day that would bring
Fate's ultimate test.
The moment had arrived, added to the
as along the days climbed.

In the library, they were to be met At first I wondered why you have two lines separated from large stanzas, but then I realized it added to the overall feel of the poem.
"Accidentally", as the Fates suggest.

Shelved in its place, the two reached for the book I absolutely love the occasional rhymes!
and as their hands met, gave each other a look.
The Fates were dancing, eager and content,
awaiting their victory, now that the trap was set.
So let's hear the account
of this story's leading couple
and for once, find out
the purpose of this fable.

Into their thoughts, let us course,
First into Scott, and then into Rose

Now our hero Scott, gives it a thought-
"Ah, two hands and only one book
but she's a lady, I can't be the crook.
To offer her it, is what I must do
What the book's about, I have no clue
So why make a fuss, I'll let her have it
And I'll go further, maybe read a comic"

Rose, with a couple of winks, pauses and thinks-
"Oh dear, The book I longed to read,
will I ever get, or will he even need?
Three days I waited, for it to be shelved
by me I so want, it to be held.
If I don't get, that book for use
I'll have to search, for another muse."

The Fates were at bated breath
while the two were at an arm's length
Scott, kind as he was, offered Rose
the aforementioned book of prose.
She kindly accepts, and they both part ways
The rulers of Fate, are now in a maze.

"Why did this happen? What wrong did we do?
Was there some mistake, in the plan we drew?"
The Fates, confused, were closely speculating
while somewhere else, someone was smiling.

Destiny, she was high above, grinning with joy
as the fates had failed; and foiled was their ploy.
For, no matter what the case,
Destiny has her own unique ways

Destiny and Fate, are two different things
But both, together, our life they bring

The former, our destination, only we can choose
the latter, the direction, in which we must cruise.

So like Scott and Rose, if your fates collide I love the way you ended it!!
be open, be brave. No need to hide
for your destiny, is only yours to find.
Just get ready, 'cause you're in for a ride.