I am lost in pools of ink
With hands and pages stained and weak
I lose all sense of peace and keep
disorderly insanity
Captive as a bird am I
A cage surrounds my broken mind
Then throw away the key and cry:
This prison, I do not deny
Freedom lost and freedom found
In tattered pages on the ground
Alone to face uncertainty
But I've my mind, my mind has me
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
HELLO THERE MORDAX, A BELATED WELCOME TO YWS
thank you for sharing this poem with us! i'll be more than happy to give you my wee two cents on it
now the first thing i will note is your rhyme scheme. you don't seem to keep it consistent throughout the poem, and part of me wonders if that has anything to do with the idea of insanity being a recurring theme in the poem. the loss of control is a hard theme to write about but as far as pointer for making this work better (under the impression that your goal was to show rhyme scheme all over the place) i can suggest the following:
slowly deteriorate. come from a point of solidity and slowly break it down until it is no more. start off with a fixed rhyme scheme and break it off stanza after stanza. the chaotic breakoff will add to the idea of insanity. this is a subtle detail that will add life to your poem and help the reader feel more of what you are trying to say.
as far as the poem itself, you present some strong imagery. the idea of feeling locked up is one many people can resonate with you, so throwing that in there was good on your part. in addition to that, you help us feel the loss you feel when you continue to say you are trapped there willingly, allowing it to happen. you present your subject well and you keep the reader on their tows with the way you express emotions.
one thing i will point out:
the poem could have ended much stronger. it may just be me, but i'm not quite sure what this means. it feels almost as if you ended the poem just to end it.
other than these small things that can all be fixed, you have a solid piece here. i look forward to reading more form you in the future!
Thank you so much!
Your title is really captivating, and it immediately caught my attention. I super like the use of the word "cusp" -> instead of using something like "edge," you used a less common word, so that made the title even more unique. And I love poems even more when I love their titles ^_^
I love how short this poem is to me, because it gets straight to the point but also includes some lovely imagery throughout. You've also described insanity in such interesting images, like "pools of ink" and being trapped in a cage. Since you reference a lot of writing things throughout this piece, I actually had a second interpretation in mind; perhaps this refers to the insanity of being a writer. You have so many ideas and so many things you want to get written down, but it all becomes so overwhelming. In addition, maybe writing is the speaker's way to cope with their insanity~ I can imagine papers flying everywhere and a person frantically writing. just some thoughts I had on this!
I'll go section by section and leave you some comments ^^
I love the idea of being lost in pools of ink. I was wondering, what about the speaker drowning in pools of ink? Or struggling, or flailing? I was just thinking that some different verbs can portray more desperation of the speaker, but you don't have to change anything! c:
Stained hands and pages are an interesting thing -> it may be literally stained with ink, but it could also be metaphorically stained. like perhaps the speaker's hands are just out of control, and they are stained in that sense. Also, quick question; I'm wondering what you meant by the pages being "weak"? Are they thin and crumbling? Or do they barely hold any significance to the speaker, so they are seen as weak?
I've been debating about the last line. I think it's the speaker saying "you know what, I accept it, I'm not okay and I feel trapped." but at the same time, it seems like you included it for the sake of your rhyme scheme. Maybe you could expand on the idea more? Why exactly does the speaker not deny the prison anymore? Something to clear up this idea would be cool, but you obviously don't have to if you like it the way it is! ^^
Okay so this is super interesting. The pages on the ground are a source of freedom but they also cause you to lose your freedom, maybe because they're holding you back? But at the same time you find comfort in writing and the words - at least this is what I got from this section. This is such a neat thought, and it's actually sad the way someone's comfort can actually be hurting them
Ah okay, so I think this is a lovely way to end this poem. The way the speaker says "my mind has me" seems like they give up and yield to their mind; they acknowledge that their mind has essentially captured them and taken over them, and there's nothing they can do about it. I think that's a neat thought and a haunting way to end this poem <3
I have a punctuation suggestion, but this is a stylistic choice, so please feel free to disregard it if you don't agree!! I was wondering, I think a period at the end of this poem would be really nice. It can symbolize defeat of the speaker, because they're going to let their mind take over and will stop struggling, hence the period. It can also add a sense of finality to the poem. But again, if you don't agree, then feel free to disregard! ^^
Overall, I think this is a really lovely poem. I enjoyed the various imagery you used throughout and the continued theme of paper and writing and ink -> they all tied in nicely together and it makes your poem connected. I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped!
Wow thank you for this review!! I love your suggestions and interpretations and you reiterated a lot of what I was conveying through this poem. As for your question about the pages, I meant for it to signify how this insanity you feel with thoughts can never be truly conveyed, and these pages (metaphorical) that are used as outlets never truly seem to work.
Woooow this poem is incredible ! It's infinitely poetic and absolutely beautiful.. I love it !!
✅✅✅ PLUSES ✅✅✅
The rhythm, the flow, the rhymes- EVERYTHING, it's just so touching. The words flow like ink on paper, and you truly feel the beating heart in this poem. The part where the flow is suddenly broken by "I lose all sense of peace and keep/ disorderly insanity"
Where the last sentence just totally break the flow, like a disorder. Since as the name points it out, it's a DIS-order. Something out of order. A touch that most English teachers would just instantly fall in love with, so good for you ^^
❌❌❌ MINUSES ❌❌❌
Really, I don't have much to say, except for that last sentence.
"But I've my mind, my mind has me"
I get that the 've means "have" and is a shortened version of that, but the correct way to use that version is to say "I've got" or "I have". So the correct way would be to say either "But I have my mind" or "But I"ve got my mind". But then, for the juxtaposition later in the sentence, it wouldn't really work, so more like
"But I have my mind, and my mind has me"
or
"But I've got my mind, and my mind's got me"
See ya ! And can't wait to read more from you !!
Thank you!!!
Woah! This poem is ineffable.
Heya! Anne here for a review.
First of all, I'd like to make it very clear that I did not get the meaning of the whole poem but I still quite loved it <3.
Getting on with the poem, every word was so well chosen that each line brought a surprise to the reader. Some lines were so epic that I actually stopped after reading them, looked at it for a sec, and read again. One such was, 'But I've my mind, my mind has me'.
A wonderful beginning. Gives quite the gist of the poem. I can't help thinking the ink represents insanity. It makes so much sense. Also, insanity has no shape like ink and when you get stained by it, you start acting strangely like those strange stains on your finger which are unusually out of the place.
Here the phrase broken mind is so apt. The cage is representing confines? By the society on an insane person? I'm not sure its just my interpretation.
Going by my interpretation, this makes complete sense. Freedom lost due to the restrictions on an insane person. And then freedom found- wait has the person become sane again! Because the mind is whole now. It isn't broken anymore. And tattered pages- the ink /insanity has found a way to disperse. Via the pages? He's losing his insanity, is it?
Wow!! This poem was really amazing! So many mysteries ad interpretations!!
Keep writing because I love your style
Thank you so much!!
hello hello! good morning, afternoon, or whatever applies to you. i’m lillianna, and i’m here to leave a little review on your poem here, mordax! i hope this will be helpful to you. alright, let’s jump in...
the final two lines are brilliantly confusing. i thought of Dr. Seuss when reading these.
the first stanza: i like the first three lines. they flow nicely with neat rhymes, and they aren’t too much of a mouthful. they paint a nice picture in the mind of the reader. in the second line, i feel like there should be something separating the words “pages” and “stained”. maybe a comma would do? the last line in this stanza doesn’t exactly fit into the rhyming rhythm and flow of the poem, but that’s ok. good job here!
the second stanza: the first line in this stanza does the same thing as the last line in the first stanza. it does rhyme, however i feel like it doesn’t exactly match the flow of the rest of the poem. but this stanza has the best imagery in the whole poem!!! wonderful work in this stanza.
the third and final stanza: the first two lines have excellent rhyming. i am a bit confused by the the first line however, but poetry doesn’t always make sense, now does it?
overall, wonderful job. i would work on the flow and pattern of your rhyming in the future, but that’s everything i have to say. i hope to read more of your works in the future! keeps writing, you have such a talent. have a lovely day!!!
~lillianna
Thank you!!
Breathing in words has the miraculous to make Us feel understood, and I feel that you understand the excruciating pain of having words inside you, ripping at your body in an effort to escape. To have first the orgasmic explosion as the seed of an idea quickens inside you, and then to live twice, first with the joyous pain pouring as a birth from your pain, and then once more when beholding the glorious baby in front of you. The best fiction is not a lie, but the means to experience an agonizing truth, and your poem is The Word on writing, from your computer to the World! Not quite as perfect as the Bible, (I am not a fan of the line, "Then throw away the key and cry) but next to godliness is still pretty damn good!!!
Thank you so much!
Dear author,
@mordax thank you for writing this work, first I would like to say I like it nice and short.
"Cusp of Insanity"
Each sentence means something I love the idea of that if you made maybe 2 more stanza's it would be the perfect length, it's nice and short but maybe a lil too short.
Anyways if you want a nice short peom, read this! and watch as you try to unfold this peace of art.
Welcome to YWS I hope you enjoy it here and continue to be onnat boss ceo shi.
Thank you for your feedback!
An image would do wonders. Like, change "before my mind" to something else because it's not rhyming or very informational. A good example of how you don't do this is by saying "But I've my mind, my mind has me". It says more than the other line.
I really like the idea of disorderly insanity. Like there's an orderly insanity (OCD?). I think you could use some less cerebralness for your poetry. It's good to think about but not so much to feel.
Good luck,
Silented.
Thank you for this!
no problem
Troll.