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Freshly Turned Grave

by mordax


Somewhere lies a gravestone just for me
It’s unmarked and carved from lime
I hope that it will someday read
of a life without crime
I near the end of shortened Time
but fret and worry not
for there comes a time to resign
And pain can be forgot

I beg, do not fight for me
It’s so much more to bear
Life is chains, you have the key
Free me from Its snare
I will fall in Death’s gentle care
and somewhere there will be
Unmarked and carved from lime
a gravestone just for me


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111 Reviews


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Reviews: 111

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Wed Jan 13, 2021 4:41 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there, mordax!

This poem has some nice literary symmetry, and an interesting theme. It may be morbid, but somehow soothing to think of the speaker as having a positive or rather accepting view of their death, especially in "there comes a time to resign".

Language

unmarked and carved from lime


I found it interesting that the speaker specifies the grave is "carved from lime". The "unmarked" thing suggests that the speaker lived a life of crime as alluded to in their wish to live life "without crime". However, the lime part intrigues me, especially because you repeated it at the end of the poem. Does it mean something?

Life is chains, you have the key
Free me from Its snare


This metaphor felt to me the central one in this poem. Placing it in the second stanza does create a dramatic effect. I could also imagine introducing this metaphor early on might allow more development, maybe even making it an extended metaphor.

Structure

I loved the structure of this piece! The rhythm in this poem, although not regular, flows in an engaging way.

of a life without crime


For example, the line before this sort of set me up to expect 'of life without a crime', because it loosely had this iambic meter feel to it, so "a life without crime" surprised me. I think it has a good effect in subverting the reader's expectations.

I hope that it will somedayread


I noticed this was the only line not end-rhymed with another. Was that intentional?

It's also interesting that you chose not to punctuate the end of lines. It sort of creates a quiet, flowy effect from line to line. Additionally, it makes the poem seem more 'modern' despite the more old-timey style choices like capitalising "Death" and "Time".

Miscellaneous

I do like the title of this poem, and I think it matches the mood of acceptance. It feels raw, but also 'freshly turned' kind seems more positive about death than you'd expect, like fresh grass or soil, suiting the poem's narrative.

That's all

Overall, a short and sweet piece about a speaker accepting death. While it might be interesting to explore more in-depth some of the images as I mentioned earlier, I do like the brevity of this piece. Being able to express something concisely is an important skill for a poet.

Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim




mordax says...


Wow! Thank you for this review, I love all your comments!



Liminality says...


Ah glad it helped! <3



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Points: 6
Reviews: 3

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Sun Jan 10, 2021 2:09 am
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giovannagaia wrote a review...



First I would like to ask if the meaning of ‘Lime’ in your poem is - according to the dictionary - treat (soil or water) with lime to reduce acidity and improve fertility or oxygen levels.
If so, I must say that it was a clever idea to write a ‘fertile’ gravestone (paralleling death).
My second point is that I like how Death is not seen as the villain, but as freedom, it gives another perspective into what it is to live.
Is life always good? Or is there pain to it? In my opinion, this poem addresses this with the ‘I hope that it will someday read/ of a life without a crime’. It highlights that even people who did everything correctly will still suffer and die, but the latter shouldn’t be seen as vile.




mordax says...


In all honesty, I meant the meaning of 'lime' as the type of stone, but I hadn't even noticed that parallel, lol!! And thank you for your review!



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Fri Jan 08, 2021 10:15 pm
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EtherealGarbage wrote a review...



Hey there!

Somewhere lies a gravestone just for me
It’s unmarked and carved from lime
I hope that it will someday read
of a life without crime
I near the end of shortened Time
but fret and worry not
for there comes a time to resign
And pain can be forgot


The phrase "carved from lime" doesn't really sound right, as all I can think of is the fruit, not the stone. I'd simply just add "-stone" onto the end of that if you'd like, but it can definitely stay how it is now, as it doesn't rhyme.

"I hope that it will someday read / of a life without crime" sounds a bit cut up. If the gravestone is already there and unmarked, then how would anyone be able to add on to it? That's a poetry plot hole right there.

Throughout that is a couple "times" and I don't think it sounds the best. When reading it, the first thing I noticed was how it repeated, and not in the way the rest of the poem does, so maybe change it to another word meaning the same thing.

I beg, do not fight for me
It’s so much more to bear
Life is chains, you have the key
Free me from Its snare
I will fall in Death’s gentle care
and somewhere there will be
Unmarked and carved from lime
a gravestone just for me


"I beg, do not fight for me" sounds like the person is begging someone to not fight them, so if it is set up like dialogue, there would be quotations. If it's not meant to be that, then maybe switch some words, as that doesn't work.

I don't think you can open a chain with a key. Maybe open a lock, but not chains as they just act to restrict people. I may be wrong here though.

"and somewhere there will be / Unmarked and carved from lime / a gravestone just for me" Now, I think that the second line here sounds better as the last. Of course, to keep the rhyming, it wouldn't work, but this sounds clunky.

It's not everyday I see a death poem about someone expecting death. It's always after it all happens, so this is pretty cool. Good job!

Best,
Max




mordax says...


Thank you for your review!! I love your suggestions and I will look into editing it to fix those clunky sections and plot holes.



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Fri Jan 08, 2021 8:17 pm
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yumi wrote a review...



A powerful and well written poem from someone about to die-an unusual and interesting topic for a budding youth just blooming into the full vigor and energy of adulthood. A worthy challenge!
Typically, a person's last words contain something that sums up their life, or the moment of their death. A final statement may also include personal messages to loved ones, bearing in mind it may be the last time you speak to them, and your desire to impart one last bit of live advice to be remembered by, before you leave this. Also, you could include some assurance that you will always be watching over them, and will see them again one day. These are the kinds of typical and/or personalized details I feel could make your poem more realistic, as well as emotionally resonant.
What you have is technically well written and interesting, I just feel that with a bit more consideration, and a few more stanza's, you could do something so much better. Potential is there.




mordax says...


I love that suggestion! Thank you for your review.




"Now I realize that there is no righteous path, it’s just people trying to do their best in a world where it is far too easy to do your worst."
— Castiel