O Lord, forgive the great sins we have shouldered!
Reunite the masses that Muhammad has soldiered
It has been years since Satan knocked our sabre, we once tightly held it
With Your flame, temper our armour of faith we once had firmly welded
That we are sinners, is the only judgment we can make for sure
We have sinned, we are sinning, and we will sin once more
Bring to us, O God, a drop of Your endless mercy quick
We have drank water of the ocean in lust, a satanic trick
God, we hide our sins, still the people can’t shame us
For they sin akin, though less or more, they can’t blame us
God, we have lied continuously and spoken much ill
We have eaten from dead flesh to the point of skill
We have forgotten of the sacrifice of Abraham
We value this world, we value love, we value glam
We value everything we have, but we are not grateful
We are lovers in romances, but our hearts are hateful
We have not passed a second in this world without sin
We not yet lust light, we are still stuck on flesh and skin
Careless to each dust of their mountain of sin, one day
Be it not me, “If only we were dust!” in the fire they shall say
The king of the world is but a beggar at Your door
His crown of tyranny weighs him harder unto the floor
O Supreme, softly sooth our sin-struck sores
So we can painlessly pass Paradise’s doors
Bāghbān is but a begger at Your Gates, O indeed
Make this world hell but spare us mercy when we're buried
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Hello! I saw this in the Green Room
I found this poem to be heartfelt and sincere. The use of "we" rather than "I" throughout this poem gives it the sense of a communal prayer rather than an individual confession and suits the poem beautifully.
One of my favorite lines was:
This is one of the best lines used in the poem in my opinion. This line serves as a reminder that everyone, despite their social position or status, is equal in the eyes of God.
The only advice I would give is that some lines need to be polished. In some places, the rhythm seems a bit off and can be easily improved by tweaking the wording like in:
The word "soldiered" is just a little bit odd to use. It is not a commonly used word, so I found myself getting distracted from the poem for a second while reading it.
This sentence is a bit on the long side and a little awkward due to the comma placement after "sabre".
Keep up the good work!
thanks !
This is a very strong devotional Islamic poem. Am I right in saying this is sort of a form of a munajat? Or a tawba? I don't know as much about Islam as I would like to. There are clear themes of confession and repentance, the loss of faith's strength, universal sinfulness, and humility. I've pointed out a few things that could help improve the beautiful piece.
Wait this is such a good rhyme! I think the second line throws off the rhythm though, it's maybe abit too long?
this flows so beautifully
'We have drunk water of the ocean in lustful satanic trick' seems to flow a bit easier
I think saying 'cannot' instead of 'can't' sounds better rhythmically:
'God, we hide our sins, still the people cannot shame us
For they sin akin, though less or more, they cannot blame us'
The second line really won't flow for me. I think it can be shorter, and you can get rid of 'we value love'
I think: but STILL we are not grateful holds the rhythm a bit better
I do hope you post some more poetry; this is very good!
Yes, I would definitely say it’s a “munājāt” if we wanna be technical. Thank you so much for the constructive review !