In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Beneficent...
O narcissus bulb, come out of your garden to this ruin,
Your scent bites my heart; your mead made me ruined.
This is my song for you bulb, you illuminate this black,
You are the thin twilight, likewise the faint dusk crack.
The alter I flooded with tears with you sat on my dome,
You are my call to prayer, you are my muse to God's home.
This brimming chalice might shatter at once from your wine,
I see cracks already; this wine vessel is the heart and it's mine.
The strum in sandy plains beats over my broken heart,
The reed in reedy swamps stabs and slits open my heart.
O heart! Endeavour to file the chains set on your shoulder,
She is the yellow of gold, I am the cowardly yellow of sulfer.
I cannot bear this sober while I see her wine glisten,
I cannot sit still and danceless to her music while I listen.
The silk scarf that veils her precious hair is a necessary cloak,
My grievance is that to the viewing of her hair I have no hope.
Open to me bulb, 'fore my heart withers and leaves,
Open bulb, for as long as your sepals cloak you I grieve.
The bulb cannot desert the garden, like nor winter the cold,
Remain bulb, and enter Bāghbān: the garden, her threshold.
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
hello! it’s catsz here to drop by and leave a review!! this looked like a very interesting piece of work. the title confused me xD so i wanted to check it out!!
let’s dive into
it!
the imagery is really descriptive and detailed. the word choices make me feel like i’m wayyyyyyyy back in the past. some lines of this is so fancy and sohnd alike a worship song of like psalms or something!! that’s the vibe ut gives me!!
the rhyming is really good, but just one tiny suggestion. maybe try rhyming heart with something else, not repeating, so it will fit with the rest and flow more smoothly.
the syllables kind of make it hard to read in my mind. it stuttered in some lines because the syllable didn’t fit really well together, but maybe that’s just me and do whatever feels right to you!!!!
this is overall very creative, and it really made me think as i read through!! some tiny tweaks and it will be perfection!! it is such a wonderful work of art you have here.
thanks so much for sharing this stunning piece, and i hope you will write more!!
love,
~catsz
Hia, decided to try my hand at another poem today!
I find these particularly telling and also particularly interesting! I like how you work on the layer of what is immediately there (the chalice) and then also on the metaphorical with the heart--after all we already know that just the scent of the narcissus bulb is affecting the heart!And ofc my first thoughts start spiraling around "Can you make mead out of narcissus flowers?" That said I quite like the idea of a scent hitting so strong or so nostalgic that it bites the heart. That's a very good line!
Although I am starting to think that maybe the narcissus is a metaphor...
Ohhhh that is an interesting line: "She is the yellow of gold, I am the cowardly yellow of sulfer."
First of all that the same colour can mean two different things when put in contrast to each other. And now maybe even I get that we are talking about a lover/loved one. And such a person can obviously and easily affect the heart like it does thorought the poem!
Hm I wonder if this has something to do with purity? Considering the narrator cannot view the person of their affection since she's "cloaked"; cannot even see her hair? But also that she hasn't chosen them, that she is hidden from them because she doesn't want them to see?
Or maybe it really is abt unrequited love or forbidden love where the both of them have no hope of being together?
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