My wet bolster and lap complain of my cries
The air of London city complains of my sighs
As my cries make an oasis, the desert sand clears
So beguiling mirages complain of my tears
I am in the prison of your obsession, so dark and grey
The bars and chains complain of my stay
In the thought of her, I beat my head till it cracks
My brain complains of my hand and its smacks
I shame the dewy rain with my eyes, soaking the floor
The morning rain complains of my downpour
I cry blood from her memory, lying within
Even in death, the soil complains of my coffin
“O wind, bring the scent of her tresses as they fall!”
The fresh forenoon wind complains of my call
I travel and travel with a heart sorrowful
Soon, I am complained of by my own camel
I, a madman, am crying all day: Where is Layla’s tent?
The sun and the moon complain of my lament
The black of my heart, and the black of this wine, fits
The wine merchant is tired and complains of my visits
From my lament, the temple and mosque brims
I am complained of by both pagans and muslims!
I cry by the prayer niche, all day, like the saints
But even sages and saints complain of my complaints!
Her love drives me mad, it is clear to see!
Across this whole nation they complain of me!
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Hi! I wanted to review your poem as a thank you for your review of mine. I really enjoyed this. The strict AABB rhyme scheme and two-line stanza structure made this a quick and compelling piece that stayed consistent in rhyme and theme throughout. I like the contrast of at first being in London City, but later there is a mirage, an oasis, a tent and a camel. I did some research to understand who Layla was, and discovered that this is about Layla and Majnun from an ancient Arabic love story. This makes the piece even better as it builds upon an existing piece and pulls it more into the modern day. The speaker is obsessed with Layla, yet we barely learn anything about her. The city and the spaces around him are complaining about him instead.
Some observations:
I think you should lean some more into London imagery before switching to the desert sands. Is this supposed to be modern day? A few more lines could make it feel less random and bring another location to life!
I think it might flow a little better to say My cries make an oasis, and the desert sand clears
I like the idea of repeating complains of, but perhaps you could find some synonyms to make t less repetitive? Grumbles of, wearies of, tires of, to name a few examples. It keeps the meaning but helps vary the word choice!
Overall, an impressive retelling of an ancient story. Look forward to reading more of your work!
Thank you so much for your review ! Most of my inspiration comes from poetry in my native tongue of Persian, where the trope of referencing the story of Layli and Majnun is very common, so this isn't necessarily a retelling of the tale, rather the ninth couplet simply mentions it for imagery ! Like a classical ghazal, each couplet aims to hold up on its own, while still being connected to the rest by an unchanging refrain "complains". That's also why one minute I mention London, then the next I'm talking deserts and travelling by camel
honestly idk why I mentioned "London city" but it just rolled off the tongue for me. Thank you so much for your criticisms though, I hope to improve and I too await your next work !
oo that's so interesting to know! Thank you for explaining!
It’s nice to read/review another one of your poems!
The frequent usage of the word "complain" contributes to the obsessive circularity of the whole poem, fitting the theme of complete occupation with his yearning for Layla perfectly.
What made me particularly interested in this poem was the following imagery:
There is a striking image formed by the contrast of the desert and the tears of the speaker, which makes the sorrow of the latter feel so immense that it transforms the surroundings.
It is interesting how the repetition of this word grows in the course of the poem. While at first, only the objects and nature complain about his crying, soon even his camel, places of worship, sages, saints and, in the end, all his nation are tired of his sorrows.
And although the speaker is sad, this increasing repetition gives the poem some humorous flavor.
The references to both the temple and mosque are another element I found interesting. They give his complaint much bigger dimensions, almost like his sorrow spread across the entire surroundings.
One of the things that should be considered is that you could vary your wording related to "complain" occasionally. I do understand that the repetition is deliberate, but changing it even in two-three places will make the repeating "complain" more effective.
Another thing I liked is the exaggeration of the speaker's sorrow. So obsessed with his sorrows does he become that all those around him are tired of them.
I find that the poem has a very distinct voice thanks to the repetition, dramatic imagery and a bit of humor.
Thank you so much for your review ! Appreciate it !