In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Beneficent...
O believers of this town! This Moon has plundered me of my thinking,
I am a madman now; all the prior sense and wisdom I held is sinking.
I warn you to avoid her for your own sake and sanity,
Lest you madden like me, for my brain is but vanity.
Me? I myself am trapped in her lunar spotlight plane,
I chase her even during the sun’s day, so verily in vain.
I yearn to yield my amulet and treasure her with my clinging grip,
May she leave not my arms lest harms arise by the slipping of cypress hips.
She has me breaking fast at dawn and eating salt for my thirst,
She has made right to wrong, dark to light, and second to first.
She has made me sin for God and made me steal from poor,
These are my virtues, these are my alms, for my mind like my heart is sore.
All of my belongings and any order in my mind has been left behind,
Any reasoning I once had was left for good reason, for she shined!
Shining moon above the masses, take for slumber to your beds!
And retire to mine you lunar damsel, you have turned many heads.
I oath to take to the desert for a home till the heavens join me and Layli,
O Believers! I am a madman to her but the heavens have been unlawful lately.
I clepe her Layli for I want you people not to know her name,
I am jealous; when she but breathes around others I am in shame.
People! I am madder than the maddest man you know!
I shall only return to sanity if her, God does bestow.
They yelled back at me, "Bāghbān! Repent, you have drank too much!"
Nay! I cannot repent, for her love's holy wine is the only cup I've touched.
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I do love a good ballad which is what this kind of is. It isnt perfect but it is pretty good. Let's get into some.tging I liked and things I think could be improved as we wind down this Happy Valentines Day review day!
I love the portrayal of beinf so into this woman. Even to hide her name and eat salt when thirsty. It shows a lot of desperation and addiction one might say. I also think poems like this tend to lean towards being unhealthy and less about love and more about just and control. For.istance, near the end the narrator is jealous he wont even let people know who she really is. That isnt really love to me, that's insecurity and maybe even shame.
But overall the metaphors themselves arw great. They are powerful and visceral and unique enoigh to stand out from the rest without making no sense.
For the style you chose, it does get a bit repetitive and tiring to read. Couplets are fun, but you almost have to restart the flow every third line, and that can make it feel more separated and long with a peice of this size. But I might be alone on that.
Okay, a couple errors here.i oath? Loathe? If you mean oath as in a binding swear then I would use something like promise or vow. I typically see other taken, not made, if that makes sense, so I just assume it's a typo.
I think this rhyme is very weak. It both does not rhyme perfectly without a T in Laylie, but it also is the the same beginning letter and sounds almost identical.
And then in the third line I don't know what "clele" means. I am guessing you meant to say "call"? But there is some language used right after that isnt English so im not 100% sure.
Not sure i get what God has to do with this really? Is it just because the mokn is becoming his idol and forsake g all others? Because I didn't feel like the religious angle was driven home nearly enough if that was the point, even though this is title O Believers.
So a lot to like and a few things to perhaps fix, but I can't wait to see more of your work here!
~Messy
hello! it’s catsz here to leave a review! this looked very interesting, so let’s dive into it!!
i loved reading how the narrator addresses God as compassionate, for He is and always shall be. Starting off with the title is very unique and fun!
Some tiny tweaks, maybe shorten the second line so it will flow more smoothly? Maybe just me because it’s all my opinion! Do what feels right!
woah..this brings me back to the past!!! like the time when jesus was born, or when he was alive.
the details and vocabulary choices just make it so much better.
the rhymes are soo satisfying!!
this can mean different things for everyone, and i like how your writing looks complex and full of life.
overall this was such a beautiful work of art to read, and thank you so much for sharing!! i look forward to reviewing more of yours!!
happy writing and reviewing!!
~catsz
I do think trimming or tightening a few sections could make the strongest lines hit harder, but overall it feels raw, personal, the freak circus and very much written from a real emotional place rather than just for show.