That Girl

by lyricalrebel

Published September 8, 2013

E - Everyone

In Poems of Love

She raises her eyebrow whenever I pass by.
I ignore her snide remarks and just let out a sigh.
She makes up stories that make me look bad.
She dreams of nothing but my tears and blood.

She rejoices whenever I commit a failure.
Her heart is tainted while her mind is impure.
She spits her curses like venom that stings.
She hates the fact that I am still smiling.

Her words drag me down to a complete loss.
She criticize my weakness and all of my flaws.
She rolls her eyes for the achievements I gain.
She's unaware of my misery and my endless pain.

She's mean, insane and absolutely bitter.
I don't wish to surpass her for I know I'm better.
She points and blames me for her doubts and mistakes.
I have to fight back to end this cycle of ache.

I learned to counter all her gruesome accuses,
to defend myself and to finally be dauntless.
I grinned to show that I can withstand her wiles.
There's no sweeter revenge than to show her my mocking smile.

Comments & reviews · 3
dragonfphoenix wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Knight Dragon, here to review on this glorious Review Day!

Technical:
"Her heart is tainted while her mind is impure." You could just say "and" instead of "while". While implies a comparison of opposites, but these are similar characteristics, so and would be more appropriate to link the two together. Right now it just jostles the reading flow.

"She criticize my weakness and all of my flaws." You forgot your "s" on "criticize".

"I learned to counter all her gruesome accuses,", the "accuses" should be "accusations". You may have been going for a rhythm, but "accuses" derails the reading train irreparably. I would suggest changing that.

Now, I liked the rhymes you had in here. Especially
"She spits her curses like venom that stings.
She hates the fact that I am still smiling."
When I was reading through the "venom that stings", I was wondering how you were going to make it rhyme, and then I couldn't help but smile myself when I saw your solution. Overall the poem's very well written and nicely states all of its points. At the end I wanted just a little bit more of your reactions to her, like maybe one more stanza, but it is fine the way it is.

Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!

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DreamWork
Review
DreamWork wrote a review Review · Sep 8, 2013

Hi there,lyricalrebel,so here I am to make my review on your poem!

First of all,I like the theme here when you talk about a girl who doesn't like you.It is all clear here when you mentioned about her jealousy towards you.

#She criticize my weakness and all of my flaws.
She rolls her eyes for the achievements I gain.

I also like the end of your poem when you say that, no revenge more sweet than smiling to her(when actually it is a mocking smile)!

Well,I really love the entire words you use in your poem here.It is mean,you have a wide vocabulary here that makes reader to feels the emotions inside.
-Kudos
~Dark

Ladyofthedeathroses wrote a review Review · Sep 8, 2013

First of all welcome to YWS. We're all a bit insane but I hope you like our family now onto the review!
I must say this is an amazing and easily relate able piece of work. We've all had that one guy/girl that made us feel awful in some shape or form. I really can't find anything about this I don't like. The flow is amazing. The grammar is correct and the spelling as well. Not sure if this counts as a review but I do have one question on the final stanza was not capitalizing to deliberate? I believe it may be because it looks like a sentence but I'm not sure. As I said before an amazing piece of work.
LOTDR over and out.

Thank you :) and yes I meant to not apply capitalization since I composed it as a sentence. :)

I wasn't sure so I figured I would ask. Keep writing I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work. :D



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