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139,689 Literary Works • 672,650 Reviews
I'm counting down the best years of my life
with empty beer bottles I like
and blood soaked packs of cigarettes, You should've elaborated on this
smoke sinking into my skin.
Have you noticed yet?
My slow deterioration from person into...
into what?
I don't even know what I'm becoming. Redundant, already explained
But the clock is ticking and at my metaphorical midnight
- How far away is midnight from now? - I like
I'll combust or shatter...
Or maybe I'll just die. The wording is too plain, boring
In the twitching street lights
on the corner where I stand,
smoke sings on my lips and gravel pounds into the tips
of my feet.
I forgot to wear shoes again.
How did I forget? Ilikeeeeeee <3
Did I forget at all?
Maybe I just neglected to again I really dislike this line, it's what were already thinking so you don't have to say it
…like that one time.
In December
when the alcohol burned against my cracking lips I'd change that to 'while'
and the smoke melted the frost in my lungs
you weren't there.
For me, that was the most painful thing.
Best years of my life, my ass.
I laugh because you ruined them from the start. Not really, you're not laughing or making fun of someone to this point so I'd just take out this line.
When did they start though?
When will they end? That's what matters,
because if these are the best years of my life
then I pray for more bottles love
and enough butane in this lighter to flick away the time. love
Hi Lily, how are you?
I very much like the thought and composition of this poem. It feels very carefully plotted out and structured; I can tell that you cared very much about what you were writing. What you address here is unfortunately a very real problem in society, and it was a unique breath of fresh air that you got into their head and showed their conflicting emotions instead of just painting them as a heartless antagonist.
But that's really just it -- it's a good story. As far as the poetry goes, it could use some work. It didn't really feel like a poem in terms of your structure, word choice, imagery, flow, etc. This felt very much like prose divided into stanzas. First, I would work on your word choice and creating images. How did your narrator feel the first time they tried a beer? In what kind of a place where they? Even though this is mostly a poem about thoughts, feelings and characters rather then landscape, that doesn't mean you can't have vivid images. Take this line:
Instead of telling us what's going on and how the narrator feels in this line, tell us. I think we've all walked across gravel before, but in what circumstance? Is it hot? icy? Cold? How does the smoke feel? Use similes and metaphors to your reader in a way they can relate to what's happening to your narrator. I can tell that you have very clear images of what's going on, but you just need to develop them more.
In terms of rhythm, I would ditch the ellipses, as the effect feels forced. As Hope pointed out, you have a lot of extra words that the poem would be fine out. Your line breaks could also be cleaned up a little bit -- take the example I just quoted. There, you break off the line at kind of an odd time, and it disrupts the flow.
As a whole, I like the ending, but I think you could add to it a bit more. We get a sense of the narrator's hopelessness, but my problem is that it just jumps right from being unsatisfied to being hopeless; there isn't a transition. Your narrator seems like someone who genuinely wants to improve the situation that they're in right now, so it would seem realistic for them to try to look for ways to improve their situation. Maybe they even try to quit, but the end is relapse. Those are just some ideas to get you started!
Anyway, I really like this poem a lot and I think you're a great writer. Good luck with the revisions, and keep being awesome! As always, feel free to PM me for anything if you need it. It was a pleasure looking at this.
~ Elinor
Lillllay! Hai so we be shurin ideaz, so I figured I should review your shtuffs! SO LETS DO THIS YO.
The first two lines I really love, it reminds me a little of the "99 bottles of beer on the wall" song. xD But the last bit I think could use a little tweaking, like why exactly are they bloodstained?I'm kind of iffy about that second "Into", I think it might be better without it, but that's your choice if you want to keep it. Same goes for the 'yet'.
Do not like teh questions in teh poems, and I think it just flows better without it.
Twitching? Maybe something like flickering would describe it better?
I LOVE this, it has almost a song like quality to it, and I really like it.
Do not like, doesn't really add anything to the rest of the poem. I'd just move the last bit into the next stanza.
Like like like like like. I liek dis part.
I like this part too, but I feel like the 'my ass' part kind of breaks the flow, it takes away a little of the poetic-ness I feel.
Mehhh there's something about this I don't really like, I'm not really a big fan of unanswered questions in poems. Try tweaking this bit a little.
Agahsierkdflknsponhsih I just loved this. So. Freaking. Much. Like really this I think is the best part of the poem, it's powerful and ties the whole thing together
But yeah, I love your poem, and yeah...hai. <3
~Hope