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A Day in the Life

by lilymoore


Note: the lack of capitalization is intentional.

I am two backpacks by the bathroom door
and a blanket draped on the corner couch
where the cushions don’t fit quite right.
and we drag ourselves about the house,
ghostly until dusk when someone, somewhere
plays an 8-bit remix of asong i think i know.
 
in a matter of hours, we’ve filled a frisbee with cigarette butts.
mourn for the soul of every red solo cup we crumple up
while left-over pepperoni is passed around
on shredded pizza boxes and greasy paper towels.
we've barely scraped by through rain showers and flowers
while an army of june beetles is preparing to ambush the porch.
 
we're always tip toeing to the bathroom on eggshells
and broken glass from the hookah that teetered last night
from the table to the floor, dropping coals that singed the carpet.
and finally the night begins to sigh itself to sleep,
until all that remains is a puddle on the couch,
where you and i sit in uncomfortable silence. 


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Fri May 25, 2012 6:56 pm
lilymoore says...






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Fri May 25, 2012 11:35 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Haiiiiii! I found a lily poem :) Okay so some general as-I-read comments first and then more general stuff at the end!

I am two backpacks by the bathroom door <<< Really good use of plosives that makes for a strong first line. Nice start!
and a blanket draped over the edge of the couch <<< Okay so the flow of this is bothering me a little. Your first line is 10 syllables and practically iamb so the reader expects some regularity in the poem, but then this one is 12 syllables and it feels off. You don't have to make all your lines regular but if you're going to start out that way, you should at least have a pair of regular lines and then mix it up a bit. How about:

and a blanket draped on the corner couch


and we drag ourselves about the house, <<< Love the half rhyme of couch and house, it adds beautifully to the flow.

plays an 8-bit remix of some song i think i know. <<< The 'some' here breaks the flow. Replace it with 'a' and you'll be good.

in a matter of hours, we’ve filled a frisbee with cigarette butts. <<< Love this image!

please god save the soul of every red solo cup we crumple up <<< This line is probably my least favourite of the piece, I think it's that 'please god' which doesn't fit right with me. It doesn't seem to fit the tone or personas of the poem. It's also too long or too- I'm not entirely sure. I love the use of 'crumple' and don't want to see that go but 'solo' seems a little odd, I'm not sure I get the reference? Maybe you were playing on soul and solo?

That's all I have for you. The imagery in this is superb and the tone, the way it plods along at a sort of relentless pace. I love that. Particularly when it then ends on silence, it's all very well put together. Great uses of plosives, alliteration. Other than those few tiny things I've pointed out, there's really nothing to criticise so I'm going to stop rambling now and just say well done. Let me know if you've any questions,

Heather xxx




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Fri May 25, 2012 6:58 am
noninjaes wrote a review...



Guess what lilymoore, it's review time! How exciting! :)

I like this poem that you've written here. It paints a not-so-unfamiliar picture in a rather splendid way. Even though a few words our out of place, it is rather splendid. I especially like how the lake of capitals draws the attention away from the first words and lets the reader focus on the rest of the poem.

What I don't like though, is the last line of the first stanza. It feels a little too long - one or two syllables too many, maybe. I also don't like to little bit preceding the last line of the first stanza. Other than that, there's nothing much that I don't like. This really is a well written poem.

Even though it's unusual, I like how everything is written very straight and upfront. Even though it isn't traditional, this poem really goes well with a bit of 'telling'. The way you have put it just really lets everything fall in place. I really like that. It makes it just so much more poetic.

I don't really know what else to say. It's all very good (curse having to give short but positive reviews). Really, your stanzas are all in order, your grammar and spelling is absolutely perfect, and your tone- wait, there's something I can comment on. I'm not sure what tone you're trying to convey this in. It makes the poem seem a bit stiff and formal. Other than that, awesomeness.

I hope this review helps boost your ego and your writing skills. ;D

- noni >( ==)





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