I Confess

Hey

I haven't been on here in a while and decided to come and do a nice review for you! First off, I really loved your poem! The emotion was so strong in this piece of writing, I really enjoyed it! As I read through I didn't find really anything wrong with it, only a few minor things, so here it goes

I confess.
I was stupid
to fall in love
with you.

You were the one
who said it best.
“Whatever it is,
it’s out of our hands.”

Destiny played a dirty trick on us.
Slamming us together,
time and time again,
when it knew all along you’d be ripped away
from me.

Now I’m stuck
holding on to shards of memories
and nothing more.
But those slivers -
fragments -
are getting harder to hold
onto every day.

I miss you.
Come back to me.
I wish I had someone
I could talk to.
I wish I had you.

Wow. That's what I though when I finished reading this. It's amazing! Well done and some applauding for you. I love this. The layout was great and I just loved the whole feel of it. Well done.

Shakespeare said that brevity is the soul of wit, and I am inclined to agree with him. You keep on repeating yourself so that this poem seems more like a dog chasing its tail than an actual poem. Figure out what you want to say and then say it. That doesn't mean you can't finesse it to show your desperation of the apparent hopelessness of it all. It just means that, if you want to show the desperation, we have to be impacted by your words.

Think of it this way: you are the semi and we are the deer you are about to run over with this emotional blow. Don't swerve and crash, letting the deer dart away. It really isn't becoming.

I confess.
I was stupid
to fall in love
with you. i really liked this line

You were the one
who said it best.
“Whatever it is,
it’s out of our hands.”was this from your personal experience, i think tha'ts what makes the best writer

And it was.

Destiny played a dirty trick on us.
Slamming us together,
time and time again,
when it knew all along you’d be ripped away
from me.

Now I’m stuck
holding on to shards of memories
and nothing more.
But those slivers -
fragments -i don't really much like this line because you had all ready said slivers
are getting harder to hold
onto every day.

I miss you.
Come back to me.
I wish I had someone
I could talk to.
I wish I had you. very good

There's so much
I should have said.
To someone.
To anyone.
To you.and again i also like this part

I love you.

I should have said it sooner.
But it was too hard to say those words
when I knew that in a span of time
so short I could count it on my finger and toes,
you would be gone
and I'd be stuck here,
alone.

You’ve disappeared.
And I wonder if you’re
confessing this
too.[/quote]

Hey there! I really like this poem. It's seems very heart-felt. I don't know much about poetry, but this one seemed alright to me.
Good job!
-UCntCMee

Vampyre is here!

First of all, I have to say: I love this one. I love the layout, I love the word choices, it's a brilliant piece. It really stirred up emotions and was extremely well written. The layout caught my attention, it was lovely to read and really gave a feel of hesitant confession. I don't want to be nosey, but does it come from personal experience? It really seems as though it could/does.


There were a few things I will critique though, and a few spelling/grammar mistakes I'll point out.

I confess.
I was stupid,
to fall in love
with you. I really love this first stanza, it pulls me in and instantly gives me something to relate to, something real-feeling. The emotions really come through here.

You were the one
who said it best.
“Whatever it is,
it’s out of our hands.” This makes it sound like the relationship was very wild and unsteady. Perhaps the person who said "It's out of our hands" was shying away from committal, a sort of "We'll see how this goes, where it takes us."

And it was. I love this line, it sort of brings you back to earth with a slamming realisation that this never worked out, and perhaps you always knew what would happen.

Destiny played a dirty trick on us.
Slamming us together,
time and time again,
when it knew all along you’d be ripped away
from me. This suggests that it was a very volatile, up-and-down relationship with lots of breaking up and getting back together again. It makes me wonder how the character knows this time, it's for real? What happened?

Now I’m stuck,
holding on to shards of memories,
and nothing more.
But those slivers -
fragments -
are getting harder to hold
onto every day. I really like the way the layout works in this stanza. Like she (I imagine this character to be female) is trying to remember what it was like, but it's getting harder and harder as the memories slip away. That grasping, slipping imagery is perfectly suggested by the way the lines are written.

I miss you.
Come back to me.
I wish I had someone
I could talk to.
I wish I had you.

There's so much
I should have said.
To someone.
To anyone.
To you. I love these two stanzas, they communicate the longing really effectively. The last three lines of the second stanza are my favourites; like she keeps correcting herself as she realises she just wants him back, just needs him again.

I love you. Aww. So now I'm thinking they broke up because, after all their volatile relationships, he finally said "I love you". He said it, but she couldn't say it back. And that's why they broke up. I may be wrong of course, but that's just how I interpret it. Like, only now he's gone, does she realise she actually does love him.

I should have said it sooner.
But it was too hard to say those words,
when I knew that in a matter of a span of time This line doesn't really work for me, I'd suggest shortening it to "When I knew that in a matter of time,"
that I could count on my fingers and toes, Again, I think this line's a little awkward, but I would rewrite it like this: "Short enough that I could count on my fingers and toes,"
you would be gone.
And I'd be stuck here,

Alone. I'd move this to its own line, to make it reinforce the fact of being alone. Also, it seems that maybe she knew/thought, after everything, he couldn't have changed? That he didn't love her? Or maybe he never actually said it, and she just didn't realise that she actually loved him until they'd actually, really broken up for the last time. Hmm...

You’ve disappeared.
And I wonder if you’re
confessing this,
too. Hm, what is he confessing? That he loves her enough to go back? That he loves her at all? It doesn't really fit with what I got from the rest of the poem, but I could have of course been wrong, and I love this last stanza.

This poem was interesting, and I can tell it had a lot of genuine feeling inside of it.
I especially liked the last stanza, great work in my opinion.