--Please do tear this apart. I need all of the advice and opinions I can get. ^^
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140,245 Literary Works • 673,059 Reviews
Okay, I figured I would answer a few questions that were brought up.
Sassykat and FireandIce326 – As far as the capitalization goes, it was intentional. I’m not sure why I do it, but I never seem to want to capitalize. I think it has to do with the fact that right now, my only poetic influences are from YWS, and I’ve read way too many poems, most influentially those by Kylan and PenguinAttack. Well, them and Tennyson. So I think I might have blended my structure from Tennyson and picked up on the lack of punctuation that I sometimes see in Ky and Pengooey’s poems. It’s just…something I have no explanation for. A signature habit, I suppose.
As far as the punctuation goes, well, that again has to do with the fact that I’m still new at the punctuation thing. I like the dashes though. They make me feel like Dickinson. ^^
blackbird12 – I’m just really happy to see you here! *snugs* I took a lot of your suggestions to heart. The only things I didn’t change had to do with the second line of the second stanza, which I left the same, and the third and forth stanzas. I rush things when I speak, and I like the way the rushed feel of those two stanzas felt like…me. I did really like that you brought up the second line of the last stanza because it gave me an opportunity to change it and I actually like the new line a lot better. So thanks!
Thanks everyone for the comments actually!
And I owe all of you guys reviews in return. One of these days.
~lilymoore
Hi, lily!
I enjoyed reading this, but I will point out what irked me...
I think you can eliminate "much." I just felt like the simile is stronger without that word.
I think "that" is unnecessary, and I've never liked the word "very." "Bleaker" does feel a bit awkward. It's so close in spelling to the word "beaker" that I end up thinking of a chemistry lab instead of a terribly bleak time.
I feel like we could use a bit more punctuation in this section here. It's quite a mouthful right now, unless you intended for the whole work to feel breathless and exhilarated. Nice work on "slender, scraggly scar" - good alliteration that doesn't feel forced. I also adore the phrase "deciduous king": I love it when writers use unusual words in poetry. It makes the experience of reading poetry so much more unique.
Nice way to end it, with a strong, mournful image of finality. The bolded section, however, feels a bit lazy. Could you find a better way to SHOW me that the chainsaws are closer than we think? Right now you're just TELLING me...
Overall, this is a good piece that will be even stronger with a little improvement here and there, and possibly some added punctuation. Is there a particular reason there is a lack of capitalization? If you've got one, then go for it. My only other issue is the title. Currently it is rather trite. Think of something a little more unique or provocative that will immediately capture my attention. Because sometimes, I'll skip over a poem if the title doesn't interest me. Even "Deciduous King" would work, since it's so unusual. But that's your choice, of course. Keep writing!
Hello hello hello. I thought this was quite enjoyable to read! I agree with sassykat. The no capitals was kinda weird for me. There was few punctuation, and that seemed a but..... Inconsistent? I do however disagree in the fact of the word bleaker, in my opinion it was ok. But overall, very nice
Okay, I just have to ask, is this intentionally without capital letters?
For another, is the punctuation only supposed to be at the end of the poem, or throughout?
I really liked this poem. Oh, and one more. This is just a matter of opinion, but
"to save for a bleaker time when you really need a wish"
I think 'bleaker' is not quite the right word for that sentence, it just doesn't quite sound right to me.
I loved it a lot, though, has a lot of emotion!