Young Writers Society

I like simple and clear poems and this is a prime example. It is hard to review poems since there are so many different forms and styles, but I think that this one was very good and very entertaining for me personally. Write some more!

Hey Lily!

I think your poem was a very fun-to-read, exciting and fresh poem. So good job!

About the Poem:

1. I think what you need to work is "full-stops" because I don't see them much on the first stanza. So, its confusing to know when the next line starts. Punctuation is important, dear.

2. When comparing the two stanza's, if speaks about two different instances and there's that sudden break from the story. It feels the story's been cut. Questions are, when did she return back home? Where was the protagonist before?

3. The ending was a cute ending - milkshakes. A different way to spend an evening. I liked it!

Overall:

You write really nicely. I think you should continue. Do not stop. Just improve a little more and you can score easily!

PM or post on my wall if you have any inquiries! Also, tell me when you post a new work!

Keep Writing! ~

ChocoCookie

Hey, girl!
First, I know the image works, but if someone were to think a little harder about it, all edges of the city are the furthest sides. Cities are usually circular, so that doesn't actually make sense. Write what you mean.
Next, is it her mother's dress or HER dress that her mother likes? These two things give completely different images, and the image could use clarification so we get exactly what you mean. I think that'll be a theme in the rest of my critique, too.
The next thing that's ambiguous is how her father's watch is broken. If the face is broken, the time will still be kept perfectly. If it's broken in another way, WHAT way, and what happens because of the way it's broken. Just saying it's broken gives no image at all, and we need one, to get the feeling of her father through this item, since that's the only place we're getting any of her parents from: the items that represent them.

Now, I know it's really tempting to imagine the world as void of other people for the sake of a dramatic image, but where can she just go sit at the end of a dock alone? Especially in a port city, a dock out to the ocean, it'll be busy. There will be other people, won't there? Near Coney Island? I guess I don't actually live there, so I don't know best, but the idea that the docks were built just for her takes away from the reality of the relationship you're trying to build.

I like the way the food does a kind of a bathos thing: first yer all high and mighty with blue dresses and broken watches, and we end with straws. It makes me feel like this speaker is seeing the girl in that way: someone watching the sunset, even if the speaker's just a person who sits at the end of a dock with a girl and eats cheap, greasy food. That's a nice thing, but "my stomach cries" is not a nice thing, so I'd reword it.

Also, "I wait for dinner" has the feeling that he's waiting for his mom to serve it, so maybe play with what else he could be waiting for until a quarter to seven?

Lastly, wasn't she already sitting?

And why was she waiting for the sun to set? Do you mean for it to seem like she's completely aloof from him, thinking of bigger things? Or that's how he's thinking of her? Because as you've written, there's a sense of distance/unevenness in the relationship. If that's what you've meant, fine, but if you meant to write a sweet poem, think of the way she's being portrayed and let her turn a little more toward him.

Thanks, lily. Lemme know if you have questions!

Hi Lilymoore!

I don't really get a whole lot from this poem. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's not bad, but it's not good either, you know? It just... is.

It doesn't really radiate much emotion, or imagery, or anything. It just describes things. With that, I'm not sure what kind of emotions you want to give the reader. That might be an important question to ask yourself, and to consider the poem again and possibly rewrite it. I had a bit of a talk with my fiance to try and figure out what the poem was missing, and we both came to the idea that it's just not evocative. It's certainly not poorly written, but it's not written to make me feel anything either. I would suggest figuring out what you're wanting the reader to feel, and using sensory images, descriptions, all those yummy things of poetry, to make it happen. I know that's a vague review, but it's all I can really comment on.

Best of luck!

Hello, lilymoore! Euph here to review your poem. c:
Let me just start off by saying that the vivid pictures that you paint with your words with this poem are truly impeccable. I love the preciseness set through things such as 'her father's broken watch'
Pros: Your details are rather exquisite. The little tid-bits such as the time 6:58, the hot doges at Coney Island, and the milkshake that contained two straws are exactly what makes this piece seem so real, and visual.
Also, I love how the first stanza is from her perspective, and the second stanza is set from his, or rather.. the narrator's.
Cons: In the fifth line of the first stanza, I feel as though you could do without the word 'And'. I feel as though it messes up the flow of the poem. Also, in the seventh and eighth lines, you could do without the words 'Though' and 'and', because again .. It adjusts the flow of the poem into more of sequential, rather than the clear set imagery. It takes away from the details set by the rest of the lines.
In the second line of the second stanza, if you nixay the word 'and', and instead insert a comma, I feel as though it would increase the importance of the two independent clauses. Also, in the fourth line, nixay the word 'with', and instead, possibly you might want to add in a line, to rework the lines into something more like 'She and I sit down on the dock / In each of our hands lie / A pair of Coney Island foot long hot dogs / And in the other / A milkshake with two straws.
Only because I feel with the word 'with', it seems too wordy, and a bit more like prose writing, rather than poetry.
Overall, it's a great poem, one of my favorites. With a few tweaks, this poem has truly great potential! Keep up the good work, kiddo. If you have any questions, feel free to either message me or post a comment upon my wall.
Sincerely yours,
Euph

Hello lillymoore, this is a nice and sweet poem you've written here.

The flow of the poem is rather nice, with little hitches even with the lack of a rhyme scheme. Going through the first stanza though, there are a few lines that stick out as a bit lengthy syllable-wise. "in her mama's favorite dress," would help even out the flow. Breaking the fourth line into two would also help. The subtle rhyme between watch and docks also adds a nice touch to the poem. Also something to note, the use of the second hyphen in line doesn't fit in very well. A good fix would simply be to replace both hyphens with commas.

I don't really like the second stanza as much as the first. The flow is very disrupted as the poem keeps pushing itself into prose form. The third line in this stanza could be broken into two, highlighting that the second person is waiting for something. Another thing that could be done is separate the last three lines into a third stanza and adding more about the journey to the dock in the second stanza.

The last three lines is this poem are rather nice, especially with their sweet and sentimental edge. It makes for a nice and soft happy ending that left feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside. It really highlights the theme of love in your poem and I quite like it.

Overall, this is a rather nice and sweet poem, though it is a bit rough and could use some touch ups, though that is what YWS is for - helping you improve your writing and / or poetry. As always, keep writing and have a happy holidays.
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*

Hey Lily!

I'm going to give you a review based on the five conventions of writing. Structure, organization, word choice, voice, and idea. Since this is a poem, I will focus on voice and idea.

Your structure is very good. The only complaint I have is that at first I thought the poem was in third person, so when the second stanza comes in and I realize it's first person, it confused me. I wouldn't change it, but that's up to you.

Your organization is great too, you pretty much tell us what happens on Sundays, starting by describing what one character does, then the other, and then what they do together. It's hard for me to critique organization because I don't write a lot of poetry, but as far as your poem goes, I feel that your organization is fine.

Your word choice could be more vivid. Tells us more about her mama's dress, and her father's watch. What are the docks like? Is there a particular reason she goes and waits for the sun to set there? Your word choice could use a little bit of spice withe some nice descriptive words.

Your voice is strong, very melodic. You use the type of phrasing and pattern this character would use. One thing you can do to help with character is to describe things the way this character would relate to them. For instance, if this character was a jeweler he might describe his girlfriend as having piercing sapphire eyes. Or if he's a miner, he could say how his girlfriend relinquishes the crushing weight of the mines.

Your idea is great! There's a ton of potential with this story and these two characters. I feel like the idea would be conveyed more vividly with some extrapolation, what are these two characters like? What do they look like? I understand poetry is generally short and neat, but I like lots of purple prose in the poetry I read.

Nice job Lily! This poem was well written, and you have a great idea. Keep up the good work!

I apologize..I don't know why my comment posted twice haha ><

I think this is cute! I like the whole concept with the father's broken watch and keeping time with the clock tower. This reminds me of an activity my class had to do for my creative writing class where they wrote two sides to a situation of a story to see both views. I like that you did that here, to show two (I'm assuming lovers) meeting together for their adorable date.

You had great descriptions, my favorite line was "I don't go home and even when my stomach cries..." I almost feel like you can break that into two sentences but that's up to you.

Overall this piece is lovely

I think this is cute! I like the whole concept with the father's broken watch and keeping time with the clock tower. This reminds me of an activity my class had to do for my creative writing class where they wrote two sides to a situation of a story to see both views. I like that you did that here, to show two (I'm assuming lovers) meeting together for their adorable date.

You had great descriptions, my favorite line was "I don't go home and even when my stomach cries..." I almost feel like you can break that into two sentences but that's up to you.

Overall this piece is lovely