My Momma's Crayons

Ha! Like mother, like daughter? Ooo Lily, oh that ending is just…. !

But absolutely lovely poem. I've just skimmed over a few of the reviews and I'll have to disagree with one point - I do think this poem is dark, in the sense that it's certainly chilling to see the innocence of a child corrupted, which is the sense that I'm getting with this poem. I do agree that perhaps that should be emphasized/played out a bit more. We get this nice, creepy scene, but we're more like audiences watching it from the sidelines, rather than feeling the dark emotions directly. That's not necessarily a bad thing, because we -do- feel a sense of horror. It all depends on what your intentions are.

I think the tone fits the poem well, it’s one of almost questionable neutrality which does wonders for the tension in this. I think the tone helps make it as grave as it is. The way the narrator speaks about this, and the comparison to the crayon, it’s almost like we get a very slice-of-life, this is your everyday, routine kind of scenario. And I think that’s what’s so scary/sad about the whole thing. But it plays a double-edge sword, because the tone also functions in distancing the reader from the narrator. Again, not a bad thing, just pointing it out. Take with it what you will.

The turnaround there in the end, where the daughter, innocent at first with her crayon, then mirrors the mother’s actions – just too true for comfort.

As a narrative poem this is great. I think it could be shorter/more concise :3 I also think it could use with a bit of tightening and polishing (doesn't everything?) particularly when it comes to the line breaks. The breaks aren’t so jarring where they are distracting, but as a poet myself, I do wonder why you choose to break at certain points.

For example, in the first stanza, why break at night? Or sipping? Even in the second stanza, I wonder about breaking at “letter” there. I might dare to even break at “happy” – make that stand out, be more pronounced & emphasized, so that it reads:

"She seems so very pretty
and happy
happier than she would be when the letter arrived"

And then why have two words “showed up” when you can have arrived? and break it there? Meh, just a suggestion. A bit of polishing is in order ^^ I think Kitty's edits do a great job catching a lot of the flow issues.

However, I’ll give credit where credit is due. I love how “…she’d grab up a box of matches and snap -
one between her fingertips”

The break here is nice, it really added a playful element to this, but also, I feel a sense of the movement as well. So good aesthetics.

And overall a haunting poem executed rather well. This is the perfect example of how strong/powerful a cinematic-esque scene can work in a poem. Bravo!

~ as always, Audy

Hey, LIly! :3

I am not much of a poetry person but I found this concept interesting so couldn't stop myself from commenting. And if you find any non sensical comment from my side, please excuse me. xD!

I like this concept. What I like more is that it has been portrayed through the eyes of a child which makes it a little bit less dark. As Rydia said, this poem didn't feel particularly dark to me and the only reason I can find is that you had this written from a point of view of a child. She has a limited knowledge and her mind is not actually understanding the things she's seeing. So, overall it was a pretty good concept and I think that you did handle it pretty well.

I especially like your analogy of colours and cigarettes. Unique and amazing.

Looks like you could use another review, my dear

My momma used to hold her cigarettes,
a bit like I hold my crayons. Late at night [I love this image. I don't know how I've never made a link before but it's so perfect and so chilling at the same time. What I'd maybe advise though is that the second line feels too faltering. If it was stated more strongly, it would be stronger. For example: 'the same way I hold my crayons. Late at night' or 'like how I hold my crayons. Late at night'.]
I’d tip toe down the stairs and there my momma would she'd[/color] be.
She’d My momma would fold herself up on the good kitchen chair, [I think if you make those small changes, it improves the flow a little and shifts the focus just that tiny bit.]
her hair a mess, her eyes red and slumped [I was waiting for more child-view descriptions! Anyone could make these observations, of any age. I want more similes like the cigarettes and crayons one. This is just a quick example, but maybe her hair looks like scribbles or her eyes like lollypops?]
And after spending some time, sipping
from a tall glass bottle,
she’d grab up a box of matches and snap -
one between her fingertips.

When my momma’s face glowed
behind that match so near her face nose, [I'm not sure about 'face nose', it sounds awkward, especially when paired with the half rhyme it makes with glowed.]
she seemed so very pretty.
And happy - happier than she would be when the special letter
showed up from Uncle Sam or on Saturday morning
when I’d wake up for breakfast
and some Johnny or Roger was at the table too. [Some of your lines could be shortened just that little bit or tweaked to add more emphasis. I think maybe something like:
when I'd wake up to breakfast
and some Johnny or Roger at our table.
I'm not sure about the choice of names though, they're quite cumbersome and awkward. They also don't go together very well.]

The next stanza is a little prosey for my liking, though I don't have any specific advice. It just feels too whole almost. Maybe shake it up a bit?

Similarly I have nothing specific to note on the final stanza, other than it seems very bizarre. I don't get the feeling of pain or any deep emotion from this and I can picture the child lighting the cigarette but I struggle when it comes to pressing it against his/ her skin. I'm guessing her. I think you need something more there, to lose this distancing you have and actually describe the pain, even if only in brief. Or maybe go for something less crazy, like just the lighting and bringing it to their lips? I don't know. That final bit just felt a little off to me.

Tone

It doesn't feel particularly dark to me. The subject in dark and some of the lines have that perfect ballance beytween being horrific and understated, but most of the poem feels distant and a little disconnected rather than dark. I think you might want to try some allitaration or sibilance. Maybe bring in a nursery rhyme rhythm? You've got the imagery but what's missing a little is the persona. The voice isn't dark enough or strong enough that I reach the end and can picture these violent images and believe that they're happening. Instead I'm left feeling that it's unrealistic.

Overall

This is a great first attempt at dark poetry and if nothing else, those first two lines are going to stay in my head for some time. That's such an excellent observation, I'd just like to see you build on it more and strengthen the voice behind the poem.

I think I'm just repeating myself now though so I'll wish you luck and leave you to it, but if you have any questions, you know where to find me!

Heather xxx

Thought I'd return the favor, love .

I adore narrative poetry like this. It's often a miss, and something extremely hard to channel when it comes to multifaceted imagery and meaning. When you get it wrong, it goes really wrong. But when you get it right, it's a knock-out.

In this case, it's leaning more towards knock-out.

You see, the best part about poetry is the capability it has to make you ache. Whether that ache be from something beautiful, like poems with triple facets and layers that interweave like a giant braid, or the simplicity of meaning behind words that are subtle but truthful.

In this case of this poem, I was pleasantly surprised by the lack of subtlety. You jumped into the narrative with no real qualms against stating exactly what you mean, and managed to toss out a second, and even a bit of a third facet into this poem. It's not merely about the idea of this woman with the cigarette crayons, but the daughter who, when it comes down to it, finds herself following in the exact footsteps of that said mother. It's a brutal thought, and it aches like crazy.

Mind you, I'm still, at heart, a fan of subtlety. Taking a narrative and not only stating as you did with the odd feel of a second or third level of emotion, but when a poem interweaves and takes more than a second or third read to really feel everything you possibly could about it, then you've written a knock-out. In this case, you're so close to it yet not. You have the inkling to write something really beautiful, but get stuck with too much prose. It has a very prose-y feel.

This doesn't particularly bug me, though. I enjoyed this poem, and I enjoyed the emotional level and personal feel this poem gives off. It's a little on the raw side, which is perfect, and it the darkness of it is really a lovely aspect. Any darker than this and you'd be bordering melodramatic, in which case you did not.

When my momma’s face glowed
behind that match so near her face nose,
she seemed so very pretty

Hi,
This is a dark poem but it isn't obviously, in your face dark.
It doesn't use darks words so much as weaves it into the Poem.

You use some really descriptive language to help create the Mum, and exactly what she does.

And once she’d stumble off to bed,
I’d sneak into the kitchen...
And posing at the table, just like my momma,

Hey ...

I really liked reading your poem. It surely formed an image in my head as i read so well done. I really liked how you have contrasted between the crayon and the cigaret.
Great job!

You are obviously doing good so keep those hand moving ...

Farz

Well, this certainly is dark. I haven't read any of your other works so I can't compare, but I liked this. It flowed well in my opinion and painted a picture immediately. There was just one awkward part, which was "so near her face nose" but it's nothing major. The poem still flows well and tells the story clearly. I look forward to reading more