Young Writers Society

Hi there, Alliyah is here to review your poem!

So I didn't see any spelling mistakes. I enjoyed how your title was a clever play on words, and so were other bits in the poem. I also liked reading all your interesting sound words "pa chaw, gring, gring" very creative reading it makes it feel like you're sitting in the same class room with you, and they kept the flow of the poem going.

One suggestion I have is you should change one of the words "ripping" because it's used twice in the poem and none of the other --ing words are repeated besides that one. and in the first instance that "ripping" is used what is ripping? the pencil? maybe you could say "breaking" instead.

I'm not sure that the dashes really add to the poem and they were a little distracting to me, but I guess they don't really take away either so I guess it doesn't make a big difference if you keep them or not.

Thanks for posting, have a great day!

~Alliyah~

Hey Lily!

This reminded me of some of the poems that you would find in a book of children's poems. Nothing wrong with that -- I kind of grew up on the poems, so it has a nice nostalgic feeling for me.

Anyway, my main eyebrow-raise was with the verbs. They didn't really seem to be in... order, if that makes sense. For instance, I expected something along the lines of "normal, weirder, weirdest" or "normal, stronger, strongest"... hopefully you know what I'm talking about. But it wasn't necessarily in that order, and I think that detracts from the poem.

Still, I do like the cool sounds and stuff. Well done!

Hello lilymoore,
First I have to say that I love your signature and your avatar. Emilie Autumn is amazing beyond words
I have to say that I really loved the ono... you know. The kazoo-noise sounds. They drew you out of the poem a little bit for deliberation, but brought you back in just as quickly.
I liked its simplistic, repetitive nature. It reminded me completely of school
That's all I have to say for now, lily. But it was a pleasure to read.
*star*
The universe

Hey Lily! Here as requested.

I think that I'm pretty familiar with the feeling! Some parts of your poem actually capture it really well, it's quite cute and quirky which I do love.

One problem I do have with this is the onomatopoeias that you use throughout. They sort of detract from the poem because, as June said, it feels a little overdone and also some of them don't seem like the certain thing you're describing. For instance, with the paper one you'd expect an onomatopoeia that made you think of paper rustling or something. From "pa cha" I really don't get that imagery and sense of what we should be getting. It might be really nice if you toned it down slightly and only added in the very occasional sound throughout your poem.

Another thing that got me was the lack of punctuation. It's not actually that bad, somehow it sort of fits with this poem, but I have this feeling that the jumpier, jerkier feel that you'd get with more punctuation could actually add something to the poem.

In addition I would point out was the last line of your poem. The idea of time running out seems, to me, to be a bad thing rather than a good thing. It does feel like something you'd say if the lesson was actually good, rather than something you'd say if you just wanted to get out. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but it seems to contrast with the rest of your poem.

The last thing I saw was that some of the verbs you're using don't really fit in with the object that they're relating to. Although they do bring up some great imagery and emotion, they feel a little thrown together as though you just used a couple of them because they fitted in with the mood you were trying to create.

But, as I said, I did really enjoy this poem. You have captured the feeling well, and I definitely think that it's one that you should keep and just make better. Oh, and you should write more poetry! You have this really cool, unique style (at least that's what it looks like) so you should experiment with more!

Hope this helps!

~Amy

Lily,

Not bad -- I do tend to enjoy poetry more when it has trifold meanings to it, but nonetheless, this is fair. Good use of onomatopoeia, though I'm not too sure how I like the clud, clank and pa cha -- I understand it's origin and such, but it's a little over done.

My only other complaint is the list of verbs -- I would revise them, dearie, as some of them are pretty similar, and it's a repetitive thought that you're implying. A bit more original wording could certainly spice this up.

I did catch the anticipation of waiting for the bell to ring -- nice job on that, and keep it up.

June