I love someone who forgot how to love
From hurt and tribulations, they've guarded their heart with barbed wire
Lowered the volume of their emotions to mute.
All they feel is transactional affection.
The type of affection they can give out
But refuse to take in return
They expect the hurt and pain
Like they would a weekly television program
Only, it's every day.
Living in fear
Of how high a probability their pain will return
Worse than before
Living in fear of the odds
That have never been in their favor.
Or small victories
Shadowed by sleepless nights
Tired eyes and throbbing headaches
Solitude is their false sense of safety
Is now a dreadful sequence of events
Quiet tip toe maneuvering
Constant games of chess and mental gymnastics
Stretching so far and long, it draws close to the line of insanity
I can not love them
For I am the same.
Perhaps we all are ponds
Trying to navigate conversations
Falling victim to people pleasing tendencies
Or cynical isolation
And now we are all facing the after math of our selves
Refusing to live in a world of mirrors.
We reject ourselves
Unable to face anyone
Who portrays the same failure
We guilt over ourselves
Feeling trapped in our own living hell
Through different mobile vessels
We lose touch of how to connect
Become numb to existence, more self aware of ourselves
Questioning why we are here
Forced to relearn how to live.
It is hard to live
When everyone is living
As if they are already dead
Yet for some reason..
I want to love someone
Who doesn't love.
Could it be
A mini glimmer of hope
I've created out of comfort to cope with my own sorrows?
Or could it be
By feeling nothing together,
we could be less lonely?
To endure nothingness is one thing
It becomes a habit
A bland, black and white routine
A flat, matte surface of composure and unoriginality
But to endure nothingness
Creates shades of greys in between
More possibilities I could ever expect for myself
And grey is much prettier than darkness
For it requires some kind of light.
That light will shine
Reflect off of something beautiful
And I will be able
To recognize myself