Unfortunate Fate

Hello.

I'm not exactly sure what you want to do with this piece. You seem to be telling a narrative about a dysfunctional family, but the stanzas are each so short and the ideas so disjointed you don't paint a clear image of what you're trying to get at.

Poetry doesn't have to be in four line stanzas to be poetry. Stanza breaks should be where it makes the most sense for the poem, and they act like paragraph breaks in prose: you begin a new stanza when you want to begin a new idea.

Because each stanza is its own idea, you have a lot of different ideas that don't really join together. If you want to keep the four stanza structure (which I suggest you don't), then make the ideas more connected between each stanza, so there's a flow between each one of them. But, if you let each stanza be however long it needs to, you can really make this piece shine by clumping all your ideas together.

Also, a little thing: your first two stanzas seem like a completely different poem. It seems like a poem about relying on each other and no longer being strong enough to carry the other, but then you introduce the dysfunctional family and you lose me completely. I'd suggest to split the poem into two, or make it clearer what you're talking about in the first two stanzas.

Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

Hi, Forsaken here. I know this is from April, but I just found it, and I have to say, this is beautiful. The beginning of this started off a little odd with the "she thinks" and "she cries" but the more I read, the better it got. I really like this, it means something to me on a personal level. I'd like to read more of your work, so if you have anything in particular you'd like me to look at, shoot me a PM and I'd be more than happy to look at it! In the meantime, keep up the great work and I hope to see more from you.

--ForsakenAngel