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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This is very funny. Don't listen to Kyllorac or Rosey. Perhaps it could use with some more imagery, but you have to keep this as a poem. It is only humorous because of the ironic non-love poem as an archetype.
I also like the uncertainty and simplicity in the tone, but I don't think that it would be much of a compromise at all if you tried to mirror a great love poem by making it more epic and giving it more of a silky picturesque feel.
Oh, please kill the overuse of ellipses and dashes. They're just a little irritating.
And now, to echo shipsinthenight: Friendzoned!
Oh, and you have a like from me. What an awesome idea.
Hello.
It took me a couple of reads to fully understand what you meant by this poem. At first I thought it was admitting a crush, then I realized it was likely you rejecting somebody in a softer way.
The main thing that made me think this was the last line of stanza two, because I've seen it show up in romantic poetry so often. It was cute and awkward and seemed to be leaning towards a love confession after following the rest of stanza 2.
I'd really work on your flow, to polish this as a poem. Kyll has given you some very good line by line nitpicks, which I'd follow. A lot of it is your punctuation, because you punctuate after every line when not every line needs it. Poetry is basically a creative way of splitting up sentences, and you end up saying a lot in a very small amount of space.
With the very simplistic tone you've chosen, you do end up coming off a bit proseic. To make this more poetic, it'd help to have something not so boxed into each line being a sentence, and getting a bit more creative with your linebreaks.
Of course, this is only if you want to make this poem more poetic. The poem is just fine the way it is, and it would be just fine as a letter. My ideas are merely suggestions.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
This line is rather awkwardly phrased. Using "everything" rather than "all" sounds more natural and makes more sense.
Either you're missing a dot to complete that second set of ellipses, or a second period snuck its way onto the end of that line. Either way, it needs to be fixed.
Why is there a comma here? If you were to write the lines as a sentence, you'd get "We don't have to give everyone the cute couple they imagine." The comma as it is placed would splice the sentence and so confuse the meaning.
Lines in poems do not have to end with punctuation, and forcing lines to end in punctuation when there's no other reason to do so really hurts a poem.
Should be "others' wants" since the others have/own their own wants. Also, the dash at the end makes no sense for the same reason as the comma in the above-quoted line.
This line doesn't read naturally as a question. I'd recommend revising to "Can we leave fate to fate?" Also, the ellipses read as a bit melodramatic, and they're really not necessary. Since this poem is expressing your feelings for your friend to your friend, you really don't want to lay things on too thick, otherwise the feelings in the poem will come across as fake. And I'm pretty sure you don't want that.
Overall, this is quite simple, which is fine for what it was meant to do. However, it was so simple, I was left wondering why you wrote it as a poem rather than a letter? This doesn't strike me as being particularly poetic, is all, and I think the letter format would be more direct than a poem.
FRIENDZONED....>.>