"Hello?" Kevin answered causually as his omniphone lit up.
"Don't hello me, what the hell do you think you're doing?"
"To qoute you, I may act alone as a living shadow as long as I'm protecting the country. Weren't those your exact words sir?"
"Yes and how is bombing every state protecting the country?"
"Because it has a half week stasis peroid where nothing gets killed."
"You're still not explaining why it's necessary and I shouldn't have you killed for treason."
"First of all don't flatter flatter yourself, I basically run your secret service since most of your people are actually my people. I know everything you do, where you go, and what you say every minute of every day. I'm a shadow operative you can't find me or even a single trace of me anywhere I go. Secondly as a shadow operative who doesn't give reports so you have deniability you can't even tell the nation why, because you would have to admit to assassinations you authorized. Thirdly if I die you have no way to stop the launch anymore because nobody else on earth knows the codes but me. To stop it you'd need a hacker better than me, and their are none better. The second best is my little sister and she wouldn't even be able to crack the codes."
"Did you just..." he trailed off stunned.
"Threaten you, no. I don't make threats sir, I make promises. That was neither, just a warning and fyi nothing else. I will be on your doorstep in a half hour or less, and can answer your stupid questions there. Although I have a file that would explain everything pretty well and a general idea of how why and when. In short its from a human engineering expirment to enhance physical and mental limitations as well as brain power that went wrong, and only one survived, me. Though given what is happening that may not be such a good thing."
"To flatter you this nonsense, since when is surviving a bad thing?"
"Sir are you aware of the dead plague?"
"The rumors about zombies, yes."
"If you are still in the dark you are either stupid, or have a poor advisor. It's real, it's happening now, and it has already consumed every state west of the bombs I set off. What do you suppose would happen if I got bit by a zombie?"
"Flattering you again with this nonsense, I suppose we would have a unstoppable zombie."
"Correct, but at the same time I am the only one who can stop it because I'm one of the only three who knows enough to do it. Annd one of only two capable of actually succeeding. You can see the proof for yourself soon enough." Kevin hung up the omniphone by tapping it.
"Well he is a lot dumber than you," Leonie said coldly.
"Technically I'm the smartest person who will ever live."
"And I'm a goddess from Mars."
"Look Leonie I'm sorry, honestly it's all I can say since you won't even bother to hear my side of the story. I need a nap wake me up when we get there."
"It's only ten minutes away," she said.
"Ten minutes is plenty," Kevin yawned.
Almost instantly he started snoring, she looked over at him amazed how fast he fell asleep. She put the car on auto pilot and layed close to him when he woke up and opened a single eye. "Holy crap that's disturbing."
"Well I didn't expect you to get that close that soon," he said closing his eye now.
"It's not to be nice, I'm scared and shaken up. I just lost my husband, and you're the only guy around I know. I know you would not break the last promise left to me, and besides." Leonie looked at him, "if you try anything I will cut you."
"Fine by me, I won't complain about you laying close by. It just came as a surprise is all. But no offense I really need the nap, so I'm going back to sleep now."
Ten minutes later the alarm went off and Leonie jumped up and took the car off auto pilot. A bounce knocked Kevin out of his slumber, "damnit someone is going to pay."
Realizing instantly what was going on he instantly knew what to do, "Leonie fly as high as you can spinning and spiraling back the way we came until they stop firing at you, I will take the fun way down."
"What?" she said confused and turned to see him smiling as he was crouched down door open.
"See you in ten minutes," and he leaned back to fall out of the car before she could quest what he was doing.
"Sir he just jumped from the car and now it's leaving our range."
"The car is unimportant fire at him."
He noticed the guns on the roof stopped firing at the car. "Mr president you have been a very bad boy, now you will have your guns broken." Kevin said laughing and jammed them from ten thousand meters up. He threw a black orb down that bounced on the white house's front lawn then expanded over the entire perimeter. It shrunk to a smaller size and stretched to catch him when he was only a hundred meters from the ground. "That was awesome, I have to do it again sometime." He thought to himself.
Two soldiers aimed at him and shot a single round that disappeared when it got close and reappeared a few meters behind him. "Sorry boys but guns won't work on me for a while, I have a shadow ghost barrier around me, bullets within three meters of me disappear and reappear three meters away. You can't hit me with anything right now except for close range weapons like a blade or fists or something." Kevin said as he walked up to them and was about to pass them when they grabbed his arms and attempted to force him to the ground. "Let go or you will regret it."
The two soldiers tried to knock him down by sweeping his legs but groaned in pain.
"That won't work, and times up." Kevin looked at the guy on his left and he flew through a wall, then turned to the guy on the other side and did the same. "A concentrated blast like that is childs play for me, and I'm an expert in close combat."
He walked through the door and was greeted by a dozen guns pointed at him. "Shooting me won't work," Kevin said and looked at all of them then released another burst dark energy that would destroy destroy anything in the area and knock anything alive unconcious. Kevin checked his omniphone too see how much energy is left and released he had maybe half because of all the protective programs he was running. "Damn, I can't afford more than one more confrontation in a large area like this. Maybe a few if it's in a small hallway." He said to himself. He used a shadow nearby and had it absorb him to travel outside the oval office.
"Hello boys," Kevin said happy to see all but one were his people.
"The captain is inside waiting Sir."
"Thank you private," Kevin said walking through the door. "How is your day going Mr. President?"
"Great, I'm a captive inside my own office."
"Mr. President nobody is holding you hostage, you're free to go anytime you want. Although you will regret it if you do before you see the file I'm holding." Kevin said tossing it on his desk and turning to sit down on the couch and relax. "I will just sit here and relax to recharge while you read that. Oh and your alarm under the desk was disabled when I was within a hundred meters of your office, the gun in your top left drawer is empty too you won't need it."
President Ashford laughed, "you expect me to hand you my position as president."
"Mr. President I don't want your job, quite honestly the idea of being a president bugs me. It's not a transfer of power, it's consentual submission. You would be stepping out of power and agreeing to hand me all your military power, I already have control over ninty percent of it anyways. But that contract shows you willing agree to hand it over, in a world full of undead a president is not important nor needed. You Patrick Ashford became irrelevant two and a half weeks ago, I control almost your entire military already. By agreeing to step out of power, you and the remaining uninfected citizens will be given citizenship in Paradise, Asia. If you refuse you and your thirdty secret servicemen who don't work for me will be left behind as bait for the undead, while me and every uninfected american survives and goes to the only place on earth society surviving is still possible. It will have no government, nor any need for one. Laws passed are voted on by citizens, and money is no longer required."
"You honestly think I will agree to this?"
"Sir I will hack a cell tower in several major cities west of my statis line for you," Kevin said now typing in encryptions on his omniphone. He walked up to the president's desk and uploaded the live feed to his desk shows lives feeds of a birds eye view in Las Vegas, Malibu, Hollywood, and every capital city in the mountain time zone and pacific time zone. "Those are live feeds from over a hundred different cities as viewed from security cameras in every capital city in more than thirdty states. Zombies, more zombies, and hordes of undead forming." Stay here and you will become one, step out of power you will be saved. "I control your entire military, but not just yours. I control every missle on the planet, and every drone. The only military force I'm lacking is human force, I have most of your navy, and half your marines. Live in paradise as a common citizen, or die here alone. But you don't have the manpower or ammo to kill billions of undead, and firing guns will just bring endless hordes."
"How did you get these files?"
"Irrelevant."
"You expect me to hand over power to someone I don't trust to even answer my questions?"
"Mr. Ashford, you really think you have a choice? I don't have to hold you hostage BECAUSE if you want to live you have no choice. You either live in a society I will build, or you die here, along with all who don't come. But just so you know, those images on your desk aren't only on your desk."
"What are you talking about?"
"They are being broadcast to every omniphone and every tv screen in the country right now. Along with the navy under my command setting up rescue bases that will be operational along every city on the atlantic coastline. Anyone who are uninfected and can pass a quarintine scan will be put on a ship or submarine and taken to the aircraft carrier under my command in the atlantic. I will have evacuated the entire country by the middle of next week."
"So you are offering me to die with freedom or live in a society you rule?"
"No, I'm not a ruler. I told you my paradise has no government, technically every citizenship would be the government itself. Politics and government are no longer relevant, once I have evacuated every nation on earth, then I will establish a governmental system. Until every country on earth has been rescued though, everyone is completely equal. Paradise, Asia belongs to me though in terms on the land itself. And any changes are ultimantely my decision, as well as able to be overturned by me. But short of trying to pass a law allowing murder or theft I will be passive with that right. But it won't be up to me alone, a counsel of five will be given that right. I am only one of the five, and it requires a majority vote. Meaning I alone have no power to force anything, the only power I alone have is over military operations. And all military operations will be available to the public, I will make sure nothing is hidden."
"You are forcing people back to the dark ages then."
"No, we still have weapons, buildings can be constructed, technology, food, medicine, and any other resources. But a few things are up to the counsel of five to decide, laws being changed or denied, and judging criminals. If all five fail to produce a majority vote, then the result is to bring in seven other citizens who don't know anyone involved for an unbias opinion. Quite honestly this was all in the folder I handed you anyway, accept will survive, refuse and your fate will be dying here. I quite honestly their is nothing else to discuss, you have wasted to much time as is, I will be on the roof. You have five minutes to show, fail to do so and you and your men and women here forfeit their lives." Kevin turned to Captain Anderson, "After you captain."
Kevin followed the captain to the roof and waited. After five minutes he got in the car and was about to take off when he saw the president running to the car. "You are tardy."
"I can't make a decision like that by myself, prior to signing your form I still am obligated as a president. Where are we going?"
"I won't answer that, I dont trust you. You can follow us and find out but the coordinates won't be in your records for our current destination, and Paradise is not on any map either I made sure of it."
"Fine, but we have hundreds here it will take time to evacuate them all into cars."
"You all have a half hour, we literally can't afford to give you more than that. If you take longer then we will leave.
"Fine," he ran off and mobilized a car carrying every person in the building. Then they headed off towards the ship with General Jessica.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Yo Kevin,
~ If you have a quote within a quote, you should have single quotation marks to designate what he's quoting. Like "You said, and I quote, I 'may act alone, as a living shadow, as long as I protect the country'..."Shady here with a quick review for you. I haven't read the previous chapters of your story, but hopefully I'll be able to find something helpful to say.
Also, you have a typo, it's 'quote' not 'qoute'.
~ I think it would be clearer if you added the extra "why" where I have it bolded.
~ Ooookay. Firstly, you repeated the word "flatter" twice. Secondly, it feels unrealistic that he would go off on his boss like this-- especially if he is as valuable as he acts like he is, it seems like a stretch that he would be so childish as to go down this entire list bragging. If he's good, people will know he's good.
~ Kinda lame. Sorry, but it's true.
Several places your punctuation is less than correct. One example is your run-on sentence right here: . Change to
~ Why in the world would he tell them that? It doesn't seem realistic that he would tell the people trying to capture him what they have to do to succeed at tearing through his defenses. Why not just make him mock them more, and find a way that's not an info-dump to tell your readers what's happening?
~ I think this sentence could be improved by a dialogue tag. I mean, add some inflection, some facial expressions, some something that will make me feel his sarcasm. Otherwise you make him sound like a Lemony Snicket-esque optimist. (For your convenience, in case you don't get my reference: http://cdnpix.com/show/imgs/de00ac5f741 ... db6c7f.jpg )
~ ~ ~
Okay! You have a decent story. I like your idea and the amount of action you have in this chapter-- it's definitely an exciting premise. However, I think your piece would benefit if you made Kevin have less, well, monologues. As the chapter wore on (especially with the scene with the president) I found myself tempted to just skim over Kevin's lengthy blocks of speech. It would really help if you used short, emotionally charged bits of dialogue, interspersed with actions. I know you're capable of showing us a witty exchange-- and I think it would be more engaging if you started with shorter blocks of dialogue.
Overall, however, this was a decent story, and it's awesome that you've made it to chapter 7! It's hard to keep the motivation to keep going with a story, so kudos to you for sticking with the same project long enough to get this many chapters in.
If anything I said was unclear, please let me know. I'd be happy to explain further!
Keep writing!
~Shady
Finally, another chapter...
Let's see. I like the dialogue here. I enjoy Kevin's habit of explaining each weapon he uses just to spite his enemies. Obviously, the whole thing needs some proofreading for grammar, but I'll just stick to new information.
What history does Kevin have with Ashford? They seem to know each other.
Kevin's weapons don't really have too viable of an explanation. Was he given them, or did he invent them? It's understood that he's more of a superhuman than warrior. Even if you say that this is the future, wouldn't the freaking White House have cool weapons too?
When Kevin storms the White House could be a lot cooler. More explosions, more high-tech visuals, more dust flying and epic imagery could give this chapter a real kick.
You tend to be a bit blunt in the last sentences, almost to the point of blandness.
It's nice to see the story moving ahead, but I'm still waiting on an antagonist. It never hurts to foreshadow one!
-Chaser
I had to explain a lot of the weapons simply because a stasis bomb kind of requires some explanation. Yes he created them, on top of the unlimited physical strength and mental strength he is a genius because of his origins which get explained better later on, and will be fully explained near the end.
Kevin was a military black ops soldier hired by Ashford, I have an idea of a history for it. But I wanted more time to consider it and other possibilities before adding that. It will be explained later on once I have a solid idea of where to put it and when.
All of Kevin's weapons were created by them, and the reason storming the white house had no explosions or anything is because it would have been overkill. He can get attacked by millions at a time in the middle of a warzone and come out unharmed, and he can turn invisible or completely vanish and sink into a shadow itself. It makes him impossible to shoot, so using lots of explosions felt to much like it would be adding insult to injury.
If you meant the second last part of the conversation where he said he literally can't afford to wait longer it will be explained later.
I forgot what antagonist is, if that's the main bad guy or something, that would be the tens of billions of zombies. Possibly someone who will try to undermine Kevin later and take over, but I'm not about to spoil anything. I don't think a bad guy is really all that important or even required for a zombie story. If I was in Kevin's shoes in real life, I would say the bad character(s) would be Shadow Labs, for messing with human lives and doing what they were trying to.