Kevin and Leonie reach Lilly after a short drive.
Kevin saw Lilly up on a sniper perch she would go unseen on st the rapid station. She silently lept down. Leonie stepped out of the car and immediately got a stare from Lilly.
"You stayed behind and SHE was the only one you could save in time? Go figure eh, the woman who breaks your heart is saved by you," Lilly said.
"Excuse me? Who broke whose heart? I don't think you know what happened," Leonie said offended.
"I know more than any stubborn woman who is to stuck up to look at all sides of a story. You only saw your side, you made no effort to see the other three sides, or hear anyone who stuck up for him despite how much they hated him. Don't talk trash about my brother lady, especially when you know so little," Lilly said.
"Kevin who is this?" Leonie asked before realizing he was zoned out starring at the sky to take it in one last time.
"Oh lucky me, I had time to do what he is doing earlier. Soaking up a last glimpse of the starry sky before I can never come back. He won't hear you either, I'm his younger sister, Lilly. Piss me off more than you already do just by being around and I will slit your throat in your sleep," Lilly said.
"Someone needs to be taught a lesson," Leonie said.
"Yeah and she is standing just within my killing range. To blow up or stab her is the question," Lilly said.
"Bring it on little brat," Leonie foolishly challenged.
Kevin snapped back to reality when he saw Lilly draw a dagger shaped like a midevil shortsword. He swung down a huge buster sword that must have weighed four hundred pounds splitting open the street a couple meters and sending Leonie back a couple feet from the force while Lilly flew about ten feet or more. As he swung he yelled "ENOUGH!" In a loud commanding tone.
"Lilly I just saved her don't you dare kill her, and Leonie act your age. I know you hate me, but don't you dare threaten her. I put family first you know that, your not my family, that bond is over. Lilly is my family, if you threaten her or try to kill her you will die, probably by her hand if she reacts before me. She has more experience than you, you will not last three rounds against her. Lilly, unless acting in defense don't attack people we save, otherwise saving people is redundant. I get why you don't like her, but I have one promise to her I haven't broken and would rather avoid breaking which was to not allow her to die. I have lost my feelings for her I promise, but unless she tries something please refrain from attacking her." Kevin said. He was suddenly caught off guard when he heard a zombie. He put his buster sword back in the omni box that's in his left arm although nobody released he was actually a human omni experiment and the only one not to be a zombie now. Shrugging the thought away he quickly drew twin katanas and said "Lilly get ready to leave, Leonie start the car we and Lilly will be in the middle of the formation once we move." He then dashed for the closest zombie a hundred feet away and took its head off with a
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Um....
Well, some dialogue and characterization always help in apocalyptic stories, I can say that for sure. The dialogue is actually pretty superb. Leonie and Lilly's arguments are very entertaining. Now then, let's dissect this.
"on st the rapid station." Typo? I don't know what this even means. Where are they exactly? I believe you said they met at Brook Park, but I don't know how that would incorporate a sniper perch. If it's a tree or something, just tell us. I apologize if I am mistaken, though.
Where are the other people that Lilly is traveling with? It seems strange that absolutely no one would at least acknowledge their presence. Or have they gone on ahead? Please tell me.
"As he swung he yelled 'ENOUGH!' In a loud commanding tone." The second sentence doesn't quite work as description, I'll tell you that. This is how I'd put it. "As he swung, he yelled in a loud, commanding tone. 'ENOUGH!'"
Other than that, it's the last sentence cutting off that confuses me. Did you do that on purpose?
Lastly, that out-of-the-blue revelation that Kevin was a human omni-experiment. I must admit, it caught me off-guard. You really shouldn't plunk that into something so unrelated. It'll either blow everything else here out of the water, or get sucked down and be forgotten in a snap. This is a scene that's more about Leonie and Lilly, so details about Kevin don't seem to belong here. But that's just my reaction.
There are also some minor issues with sentences and grammar, but the story is progressing well, and still maintains my sincere interest. Have fun writing.
-Chaser
Brook park is a city, a rapid station is a public train station above ground. Usually train stations have roofs you can hide on if you want a tactical advantage.Kevin being a human lab rat of sorts will have significance a couple chapters ahead. If something like a rapid station, or Brook Park, shows up as a location in this story it's a real place or based on one. Google it to see what it looks like.
Brook park is a city, a rapid station is a public train station above ground. Usually train stations have roofs you can hide on if you want a tactical advantage.Kevin being a human lab rat of sorts will have significance a couple chapters ahead. If something like a rapid station, or Brook Park, shows up as a location in this story it's a real place or based on one. Google it to see what it looks like.
I think you might be assuming too much of your audience. I doubt that they would stop reading just to Google your settings.
Yes and no. You said you were confused about Brook Park rapid station. I described it as a place, I don't know why you got confused so I suggested you Google it. I didn't say everybody should.
Yes and no. You said you were confused about Brook Park rapid station. I described it as a place, I don't know why you got confused so I suggested you Google it. I didn't say everybody should.
He was suddenly caught off guard when he heard a zombie. He put his buster sword back in the omni box that's in his left arm although nobody released he was actually a human omni experiment and the only one not to be a zombie now. Shrugging the thought away he quickly drew twin katanas and said "Lilly get ready to leave, Leonie start the car we and Lilly will be in the middle of the formation once we move." He then dashed for the closest zombie a hundred feet away and took its head off with a
You didn't finish your statement and you meant 'realized' but put 'released', I think you had a few run-ons too.
I thought it was Alright. Didn't expect zombies, nice twist. Good job all in all
Thanks, yeah the omni box and omni phone are kind of a rip off of mass effect with the omni tool. But I opted to make it all purposed, storage, phone, weapons, identification ect.
Hey, again.
This story of yours is interesting like the one before. So it's Japanese martial art now, eh? The katana, and all.
I find Lilly's sharp comments on Leonie to be funny for some reason. Maybe it's because, like you've said, they are not acting like matured people (I'm still considering whether they are adults or teenagers. You might want to make that clear).
Are they learning samurai as a way to survive against and eliminate the zombies? I would like to know more about this. From what I've gathered in this chapter, Leonie's Kevin's ex-girlfriend, and she knows how to fight, according to Kevin. So did she learn how to fight before she met him or after? Were they born to be samurais to fight against the zombies? So many questions left unanswered. I guess I need to read the chapters before this to get a clearer idea - there should be information I need in them.
But I'm too lazy for that.
Anyway, careful with the use of 'your'. Sometimes you confuse it with 'you're'. Other than that, I would like to make some adjustments im this...
"Lilly, unless acting in defense don't attack people we save, otherwise saving people is redundant. I get why you don't like her, but I have one promise to her I haven't broken and would rather avoid breaking which was to not allow her to die. I have lost my feelings for her I promise, but unless she tries something please refrain from attacking her."
... to this:
"Lilly, unless you're acting in defense, don't attack people we've saved. Otherwise, saving people would be redundant. I get why you dislike her, but I have one promise to her I haven't broken and would rather avoid breaking, which was to prevent her from dying. I have lost my feelings for her I promise, but unless she tries something please refrain from attacking her."
You just have to make some line breaking, comma inserting, and phrase changing. It would be better to make a phrase as short as it could so that it would be tighter and carries more meaning to it.
To conclude, you have easy understanding on how to make the characters' interactions with each other natural and realistic, so kudos on that. It's wonderful to see how you can use a new idea in each of your story without making its usage forceful. Keep on writing.
Yeah you should read the first couple paragraphs on chapter one it will clear all the confusion in the beginning of the review.
In short to solve your confusion, this is roughly a thousand years in the future, Kevin is my age 21. Lilly my little sister is her age in this 10. Leonie my ex I decided to throw in for a bit of a romantic twist of sorts is her age 30. Leonie is mad at my character like she is mad at me in real life, even for the same assumptions. Using real people in my stories makes them flow better and seem more real.
My character, Lilly, and Leonie reflect the personality we all have in real life.