Kevin and Lilly start walking up to their local police station in Cleveland Ohio when he notices a couple red lasers aimed at them and pushes her into the bushes and yells "STAY DOWN!"
His body hits the ground with a quiet thump, then suddenly disappears followed by a gasp from Lilly. Then suddenly a whistling noise appears from behind a nearby tree as Kevin steps out of the shadow quietly laughing."nice shot, you missed miserably though. A heads up that would not have worked anyway, feel free to try again if you want I won't move this time."
He puts out a hand and stands completely still. A few seconds later due to the confusion two silenced shots are fired and get sent flying to the either side of him."See doesn't work, where is Sergeant Bryan Flynn, or his father out police commissioner?"
"None of your business you damn looters, put down your stolen property and leave or we will kill you where you stand!"
"You tried that deputy daren twice actually, it won't work. And unless you plan on bringing a horde here I suggest you lower your voice because me and Lilly will leave and let them devour you. Cleveland has 3 different police departments I could go to either of the others and leave you to die, your ammo won't last forever, neither will vending machines in your building."
Kevin put down his hand and walked towards the front door motioning Lilly to hurry up. He also mourhed something away from the police officers so they couldn't see. "Stay down as you get to the door, be careful."
He turned back to them and kept walking. Four more bullets ripped through him followed by his body vanishing again. Then quietly he laughed leaning against a tree nearby. "As I said you won't be able to kill me, you have been shooting nothing more than mere illusions." He put out a hand and his omni-phone lit up then suddenly a perfect look a like appeared. Then disappeared "when I use this it creates enough force to knock the real me back up to a few feet or so." He walked over to a shadow, turned to face them and said "do you believe in ghosts?" Then suddenly the shadow on the ground rippled like water he then appeared from a shadow behind a car nearby.
"If I am near a shadow you can't kill me, I don't merge with the shadow like you might think, I just become invisible. That's the easiest way to describe it. But I don't NEED a shadow to do it, just suits me better than using light refraction to do it. I like the dark."
He pulled a sword out of the omni-box on his left sleeve and disappeared. Suddenly deputy Daren felt a tap on his shoulder and saw a black blade. "Boo".
"What the hell how did you get up here so fast?"
"Pretty easily actually," he smiled over his shoulder at Lilly. Turning back to them he said "angry childish people are easy to deceive Daren. You have been especially easy more than most. If you must know though, your police station has really poor firewalls and systems, my apartment has firewalls I designed that are 100 times more secure and advanced." Kevin put away his sword and with a distant look on his face staring at the moon he said "my firewalls are designed by me and Lilly personally, they are 250 years before their time, they make the white house or Pentagon or DoD networks look like a children's toy. Now think about it, me and Lilly designed something so advanced, how hard would it be for one of us to get through a lesser security system?"
A nearby officer behind Daren answered "not very hard, assuming what you claim is true. If it is you would be able to do that in your sleep, figuratively speaking. But that also means you admit to hacking our system."
"An excellent point officer, you hit the bullseye. I do admit to it as well, but this isn't really the time, if you're worried here is some advice. Don't be," he turned towards the cop and continued "First of all I upgraded your network a bit on my way through your building. Second if I wanted any of you dead" he stopped and disappeared. Then he appeared behind each cop at the same time with a dagger at their necks. "You would have been dead without seeing me." Then the copies vanished leaving him sitting there a few feet away. Are any of you going to answer my first question where is Bryan or his dad? Or do I need to make threats until you talk?"
Daren was about to speak when the other cop said "no idea he left not long before you got here saying he was going to try and help as many as possible."
"Thank you, officer who must be new"
"Ryan. I just graduated from police academy not even a month ago."
"Very new then. I guess I have to wait here for him then, how boring and time wasting. Hopefully this won't take long."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Rubbing my chin analyzing story mentally. Hmhmm, Very nice structure. I like the charters. Kevin seem to be a superhuman......Zombie Apocalypse....Yeah this story has an overall great shape. All I really can say is you might wanna add more details. I feel like a lot has happen in this little insert, and trust me if I say its to fast than it is, being that I myself write and like to read fast past books. I don't mind the action picking up, but don't be afraid to make the chapter longer baby. Give us more, but that's it for my review.
Heya! This is a very fast paced story, which does well seeing as it's in the action genre. Your characters were interesting and the story was pretty self explanatory, however I do feel as if you've left out some important details (which could have been mentioned in the first chapter so forgive me if they are).
Kevin and Lilly start walking up to their local police station in Cleveland Ohio when he notices a couple red lasers aimed at them and pushes her into the bushes and yells "STAY DOWN!"
His body hits the ground with a quiet thump, then suddenly disappears followed by a gasp from Lilly.
Here, for example, I wasn't aware that it was Lilly who he was pushing down until you mention her gasp. It would be good to explain things like that so I can imagine scenes straight away.
If you add in more details, it will be a great chapter. It was action packed and enjoyable to read.
Um who else would he be pushing, Lilly was the only one around him. But other than that thanks for the review.
If you would allow me to inject my opinion:
This is a very well-choreographed chapter. I like the way Kevin interacts with the police officers. However, something feels a little off about his dialogue. It feels a bit too elegant for the character introduced in chapter one. I get that he's cocky, but he's still an apocalypse survivor. I'd suggest making words more gritty and brutal (if that makes sense). Throwing an insult or two might work as well. But again, it's only an opinion.
The grammar issues can be straightened out easily if you just read it aloud. Think of what sounds odd, and try to make it so that you can hear the character saying it. Sentences that are too long won't hold up well in the reader's imagination.
Lastly, I'd like a little more detail on the surroundings. If it's a zombie apocalypse, it has less impact if we can't actually see the apocalypse. Rusted metal, grimy streets, scraps of newspaper with back-story information blowing across the street like tumbleweed; details of that variety. What do the buildings look like? The setting is as important as every character combined.
Excellent characters, good pacing, and an appropriately gray mood throughout. Good luck and have fun writing.
-Chaser
Thanks for your input its very helpful. Kevin is modeled after me, that's my real name. I'm a social bug around people I like, and I show kindness as a courtesy until given a reason not to. Also this is still during the very first week since patient zero or whatever you would use to refer to the first zombie. So society hasn't collapsed yet, and most just eat up media crap like in real life how the news is never accurate and often controlled for government interests. At the moment most are naive and believe cities are going dark by coincidence or terrorists ect. I will make it clear why before they leave the country for the aircraft carrier. Kevin is cocky at times when I would be because he is aimed at being as much like me as possible. Easiest way to put it was this is me, my family, friends ,, acquaintances during the start of the first couple days more specifically. Also assuming I saw it happen as the first zombie came to be, hence my warning mentioned in the beginning of chapter one. I will elaborate how I was present for it near the middle of the story or around then. Getting to the aircraft carrier they are heading to is only two thirds or half the story.
I know for grammar punctuation and run ons sounding it out is supposed to help. My teachers told me that in high school. Problem was because of a traumatic experience in first grade I will tell you in a pm, I had developed a sort of amnesia I guess, I forgot almost everything I learned in elementary school and my first year of middle school, I couldn't relearn those three things no matter how much I tried I have spent nearly a decade trying. Hopefully I will get better at it here, but I have my doubts. I was planning to just bring in a couple coauthors for that purpose.
As for the last point you made, the lack of details, I always put to much or too little. I think chapter four five or six will have to much in comparison to the lack of here. I have like 5 stories I am working on at the moment and have written out up to chapter 5 for this a few days ago. I'm working on getting up to chapter 5 on the other story I published as well so far. Then building up a couple thousand points to release them once or twice a week while I give myself time on my 3rd story I won't be publishing until the first two stories are done. I will probably release a twin blades chapter on Sundays or Mondays, and children of the shadows on Thursdays or Fridays too keep it simple but I will do that starting next week. By which time I aim to have my laptop repaired and can produce chapters too my stories probably four times a week in each. At the very least when I get back my laptop I will be able to work at least 10x faster, if not more. ESPECIALLY because I won't have to worry about GOD DAMN ERRORS or my piece of crap phone crashing every time I'm about to save a story or the progress I made on it. I FUCKING HATE THIS PHONE!
Thanks for your input its very helpful. Kevin is modeled after me, that's my real name. I'm a social bug around people I like, and I show kindness as a courtesy until given a reason not to. Also this is still during the very first week since patient zero or whatever you would use to refer to the first zombie. So society hasn't collapsed yet, and most just eat up media crap like in real life how the news is never accurate and often controlled for government interests. At the moment most are naive and believe cities are going dark by coincidence or terrorists ect. I will make it clear why before they leave the country for the aircraft carrier. Kevin is cocky at times when I would be because he is aimed at being as much like me as possible. Easiest way to put it was this is me, my family, friends ,, acquaintances during the start of the first couple days more specifically. Also assuming I saw it happen as the first zombie came to be, hence my warning mentioned in the beginning of chapter one. I will elaborate how I was present for it near the middle of the story or around then. Getting to the aircraft carrier they are heading to is only two thirds or half the story.
I know for grammar punctuation and run ons sounding it out is supposed to help. My teachers told me that in high school. Problem was because of a traumatic experience in first grade I will tell you in a pm, I had developed a sort of amnesia I guess, I forgot almost everything I learned in elementary school and my first year of middle school, I couldn't relearn those three things no matter how much I tried I have spent nearly a decade trying. Hopefully I will get better at it here, but I have my doubts. I was planning to just bring in a couple coauthors for that purpose.
As for the last point you made, the lack of details, I always put to much or too little. I think chapter four five or six will have to much in comparison to the lack of here. I have like 5 stories I am working on at the moment and have written out up to chapter 5 for this a few days ago. I'm working on getting up to chapter 5 on the other story I published as well so far. Then building up a couple thousand points to release them once or twice a week while I give myself time on my 3rd story I won't be publishing until the first two stories are done. I will probably release a twin blades chapter on Sundays or Mondays, and children of the shadows on Thursdays or Fridays too keep it simple but I will do that starting next week. By which time I aim to have my laptop repaired and can produce chapters too my stories probably four times a week in each. At the very least when I get back my laptop I will be able to work at least 10x faster, if not more. ESPECIALLY because I won't have to worry about GOD DAMN ERRORS or my piece of crap phone crashing every time I'm about to save a story or the progress I made on it. I FUCKING HATE THIS PHONE!