She looked over and saw him typing what looked like encryptions then saw it was a Department of Defense page. He accessed what was a screen for launch codes, when he saw her looking over he turned it away typed in what she assumed where launch codes plugged in a thumb print scanner and eye scanner then closed the laptop and put it all in his omni box.
"Are you worried?" He finally asked.
"Hell yes, you just hacked the department of defense and fired a god only knows what." She said panicked.
"Leonie first of all I have clearance, not to act independently mind you, but I do have the clearance to do it. Second we are 10,000 meters up if anything fired you would see it. I put in a 44 minute 44 second timer so I imagine our dumb president Ashford will call any minute," He said.
"4444 that's not funny, you signed a death warrant with my favorite number Kevin, damn you I hate you so much," She said angrily through tears.
"Ok if it helps I will show you the number of people alive west of our isolation." He pulled out his laptop showing her as it scanned the number of lives left. 13 it read. 13 people were all that remained how is that possible. He turned the laptop away and checked the number before putting it away and speaking. "13 now, or risk a million times that later."
"But my favorite number Kevin?"
"All things considered now seemed a good time." His omni-phone lit up and he tapped his ear where a Bluetooth headware came around his head. She couldn't see but knew who was it was president Ashford angry he had weapons being armed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Tennishead here,
I agree with CandyWizard, your punctuation needs a fair bit of work. It doesn't just look bad, it affects how the reader perceives the story. For instance,
"13 people were all that remained how is that possible." Instead you could of said,
13 people were all that remained, how is that possible?"
"Second we are 10,000 meters up if anything fired you would see it." Again,
Secondly, we are 10,000 meters up and if anything fired, you would see it."
Third and final example,
"He accessed what was a screen for launch codes, when he saw her looking over he turned it away typed in what she assumed where launch codes plugged in a thumb print scanner and eye scanner then closed the laptop and put it all in his omni box." This sentence is way to long and it only has one comma for about thirty words. You need to break it up and keep the reader from dozing off to sleep!
My suggestion,
"He accessed what was a screen for the launch codes, when he saw her looking over, he turned it away and typed in what she assumed were launch codes. He then plugged in a thumb print scanner and eye scanner and then closed the laptop, putting it all in his omni box."
It just makes the story at lot easier to read. I know you said in one of the comments that it is pointless to mention this, but to take your piece to the next level you need to have solid grammar and punctation. Think of it like a house, you have the foundation and all the materials, you just don't have the cement to stick it all together.
Also you could have accuented the drama of the number 4444. It just seemed to be insignificant to the chapter and you could have made it a lot more interesting.
The story also seemed to switch from one drama to the next without any connection. It just didn't seem to be smooth and it made it difficult to read. All that said though, I did enjoy the plot of the story. You have something to work with, you just need to combine the one percenters to make a great story.
Keep at it!
Tennishead
I have said dozens of times and under almost all my stories and chapters punctuation is my weak area, honestly you're just pointlessly stating something that I am aware of and doesn't need to be mentioned. If you're going to review pick useful parts and stuff I haven't already said dozens of times I'm aware of being my weakness. There is no point in giving a review that isn't helpful.
The comment about 13 remaining was more of a statement, not meant to be responded to like a question. But I do understand that confusion.
4444 is her favorite number, he/I used it to fire something similar to a nuke but instead of destroying instantly it creates a stasis field, and has about 100 times the blast radius. My point being he used her favorite number to launch the most deadly weapon in the world at every state with any reported infection of undead. That would piss anyone off, even more so because Leonie (real person) is Kevin (me) ex girlfriend. And hates his guts as it is. Nothing more needed to be said than what was already about it. Although I will be changing his reaction when I refine the story a bit.
Please in the future don't both using my punctuation as a topic of reviewing, I have said enough times how It's my weak area and it's just pointless. Bringing it up when you know I have said this already is just plain stupid and rude.
I have said dozens of times and under almost all my stories and chapters punctuation is my weak area, honestly you're just pointlessly stating something that I am aware of and doesn't need to be mentioned. If you're going to review pick useful parts and stuff I haven't already said dozens of times I'm aware of being my weakness. There is no point in giving a review that isn't helpful.
The comment about 13 remaining was more of a statement, not meant to be responded to like a question. But I do understand that confusion.
4444 is her favorite number, he/I used it to fire something similar to a nuke but instead of destroying instantly it creates a stasis field, and has about 100 times the blast radius. My point being he used her favorite number to launch the most deadly weapon in the world at every state with any reported infection of undead. That would piss anyone off, even more so because Leonie (real person) is Kevin (me) ex girlfriend. And hates his guts as it is. Nothing more needed to be said than what was already about it. Although I will be changing his reaction when I refine the story a bit.
Please in the future don't both using my punctuation as a topic of reviewing, I have said enough times how It's my weak area and it's just pointless. Bringing it up when you know I have said this already is just plain stupid and rude.
I feel obliged to say that you need to work on your punctuation. I have not read the previous chapters, but if you posted them in order, I can safely assume that the punctuation in them is also not at peak level. I implore you, putting a comma when needed can only improve the reading experience.
Like I said, I haven't read any previous chapters, so I don't know the significance of this number 4444. But just by reading this, I am not convinced as to why this set of digits is all that important to the story. Again, I do not know what came before, but maybe you could let the character explain why this number is her favourite?
That's pretty much it for me. Keep working, you'll do great!
It's not really a big detail the numbers, you should read all previous chapters before doing a review though, otherwise the review might not help or be as good as it could be. I have said a bunch of times under reviews I have gotten punctuation is not my strong area, so that is really pointless to mention. It's bad to review a story part way through, because you miss important details and don't see what other reviews have already pointed out. It's like starting to watch a movie series at the 3rd, then 5th 4th, going out of order is unhelpful.
It's not really a big detail the numbers, you should read all previous chapters before doing a review though, otherwise the review might not help or be as good as it could be. I have said a bunch of times under reviews I have gotten punctuation is not my strong area, so that is really pointless to mention. It's bad to review a story part way through, because you miss important details and don't see what other reviews have already pointed out. It's like starting to watch a movie series at the 3rd, then 5th 4th, going out of order is unhelpful.
If you don't mind my saying...
Well, I certainly look forward to the next chapter. The story seems to be picking up, although I can't tell which way it's going. I suppose that could be a good thing, though. Lucky me, this chapter is short enough for nitpicks.
"She looked over and saw him typing what looked like encryptions" What does she notice that could tell her that it's an encryption? The way he types, a habit he has when he hacks, or the text on the screen? Also, encryptions should probably have a comma after it to prevent run-on.
"He accessed what was a screen for launch codes," Again, telling directly might not work here. Try to set the scene instead of just saying what happens.
"...when he saw her looking over..." This entire sentence runs on a bit. Try this. "...when he saw her looking over, he turned it away, typed in what she assumed were launch codes, plugged in a thumb-print scanner and eye-scanner, then closed the laptop and put it all in his omni-box." I might even suggest breaking the sentence up into smaller sentences.
I think "God-only-knows-what" should be hyphenated since it's acting as a single term.
"13 people were all that remained how is that possible." Did you mean to put some of that in quotation marks? Anyway, a thought from one of the characters disrupts the direct narration. Thoughts from characters are usually put in italics. Also, it appears to run on a bit. "13 people were all that remained. How is that possible?"
There are a few other errors with run-on, but you already know about that. I can tell that the plot is exciting, and, while a little odd, can still be polished to gory zombie beauty. Good luck and please continue writing.
-Chaser
P.S. You may already know this, but the Chinese avoid the number 4 in their language because it sounds almost the same as their word for death. Nice touch!
You ever open up command prompt on your computer, if not do it. Then picture if you opened it on a web page instead and started running it with hacks and viruses, like how in the matrix movies numbers run down their monitor. It's something I suppose only a true hacker would know at first glance. I didn't do narration or I would have a Morgan Freeman lol.
Didn't know that about the Chinese that's really neat.
You ever open up command prompt on your computer, if not do it. Then picture if you opened it on a web page instead and started running it with hacks and viruses, like how in the matrix movies numbers run down their monitor. It's something I suppose only a true hacker would know at first glance. I didn't do narration or I would have a Morgan Freeman lol.
Didn't know that about the Chinese that's really neat.