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Twin Blades Chapter 4 An Unbroken Promise

by kevin25a


He saw an ex girlfriend he still loved enough to die for trapped in a building a few stories up and zombies surrounding it.

"Of all the damn people to find here, she had to be vacationing here. Why did she have to... ugh" he realized the zombies didn't her yet so he hid in the shadows becoming one with the darkness as he calls it.

He threw several loud grenades in the middle of the horde followed by a firecracker to get their attention then slipped into the building to her.

"Psst Leonie, come to the corner near the door. I'm here to save you."

Looking up around the room she didn't see him  clearly because only part of his body was visible. "Who are you?"

"It doesn't matter we have to go NOW!"

"KEVIN! Why you of all people? My husband dies but an asshole who I hate more than anyone alive happens to live."

Her insult felt like a grenade tearing him apart without being able to die. "I guess staying a shadow is pointless since you recognize me." He slipped into the light and she saw he was crying silently. "why are you crying, you don't love me."

"I never stopped loving you, but now isn't the time to discuss this. If you want to live come with me I broke a lot of promises but I swore my life to protect you and I will."

"I won't go anywhere with you, teef"

"Then kill me because I won't leave you otherwise" he handed her one of his swords and turned around crying hard enough to make a small sound. He felt a sword at his neck but not cutting. He looked at it but it wasn't his, so he turned back towards her. "If you do leave me alone your or try I will kill you, but the way things are I wouldn't get 5 blocks myself."  She hands him his sword back but smacks him as hard as she can.

"I have a plan to get people to paradise, if they survive 6 days they will not have to fear undead ever again. But you were wrong about something, zombies only had 3 directions blocked off. I will save you or die trying." He looked at his omni-phone and saw the only one SOS left in Cleveland and to far to reach "damn I was not fast enough. I pray your soul can last a few weeks."

"Who are you talking to Kevin." She saw the scanner and said "oh your a good man now." 

Realizing her insulting was talking to much time she sighed and said "look I'm sorry today wasn't a good day obviously, for either of us. Your obviously trying to do the best you can for everyone. Save as many as possible while reaching your paradise right?"

"No, and no."

"What?"

"Not my day isn't bad so long as I have you alive at my side, angry and hateful or not if I know you are alive and safe my day can't go bad. Your country was actually the first on my to save list actually, and BECAUSE of it being where I assumed you were. My charts don't estimate it reaching your city for 20 days which meant a lot of time. The other thing I meant was it's not my paradise, I technically own it yes. But it doesn't belong to me it belongs to the earth and those alive on it. Give me your left hand."

"What do you mean?" Without waiting he took her hand she saw him copy data to her omni-phone and then kissed her hand. She hit him and said "what are you doing you asshole, I still hate you and you know it."

"Love you too, lets go those firecrackers I just tossed out a window don't last forever as a distraction. Use the shadow cloak I copied to your omni-phone home screen, you will be invisible as long as you are in or on a shadow. And don't let go of my hand I already mapped the safest route to Virginia."

They went invisible and started walking.

"Why are we going there?"

"I wanted to scuba dive. You know I actually should call Lilly and see if they are far yet or if we can join her group to Virginia still."

"Oh yes scuba diving with you and another woman I never met lovely plan," he cut her off.

"Lilly is my 10 year old sister, she is probably more capable than me and surrounded by police who work under my best friend. She is safer there than here with us. She knows the plan without me and what to do if we don't make it. Virginia is where we will join the military for the trip to paradise. I know a lot of soldiers on that aircraft carrier, and General Jessica should be one of the top ranked officers on the boat, my old commanding officer, and a tough general she has more than enough pull to make everyone on that boat agree. She is also the only one who can guarantee our safety and without her our ass is grass. I know you hate me but put your snarky remarks aside they might help you, but considering in a fight I'm all you got for help you don't want me under stress until we reach that ship."

Another sigh from Leonie "your right I'm sorry, just stay nearby until I can kick you half to death from one end of the ship to the next."

"I wasn't planning on leaving you. But if you don't mind me asking why are you here in Cleveland of all places?"

"My honeymoon, great timing huh?"

"Yeah, great. But at least it led me to you before it was too late."

Suddenly Kevin's omni-phone lit up and he looked up and saw zombies swarming a house stopped and saw him.

"Oh crap, take the call for me while I handle this, without warning he pushed her away into a shadow where she disappeared and ran at the zombies with his swords. Leonie stopped midsentence talking to his sister Lilly telling her what happened and saw Kevin slaying zombies but something was off he didn't seem afraid or like he was even slaying zombies. She said out loud, "he looks like he is dancing around and his blades just seem to flow with air" Lilly snapped her back to reality saying "yeah he does that sometimes."

"Oh did I just say that out loud."

"Yes, and by the way we can regroup at brook park tell him he will know the place, no offense but I don't know you."

"None taken, we will be there soon."She looked up and saw he was about to get bit and yelled "KEVIN!" Leaping forward to try and save him  and being knocked back realizing she was in a barrier. She noticed a big bite on his shoulder and then he was gone. She looked around confused and he tapped the barrier smiling and pointed his sword and she saw him reappear but in two places fighting the zombies and he stepped into the barrier to say, "hologram clones, they can still kill and cut. But any wound makes them disappear. I can't do this much forever my omni equipment has 1000 times more battery than yours, but I can only use this barrier and a couple clones until I have to recharge for a few minutes. From her direction I assume brookpark I know the place we can get there in 10 minutes if we take a car."

"You can't just steal a car!" Leonie said appalled at the idea someone might be nearby and see them stealing their car and lose hope.

"Yes we can. The scanner you saw me use was reading the lives left in Cleveland and brookpark everyone in Cleveland right now is already dead or undead besides us, nobody is waiting in a house or corner or behind a desk like a couple blocks back. I'm sorry to insult you but walking seems pointless now. By the time we reach brookpark the same situation will be there too, all dead or undead. By the time we leave the state if we're lucky Lilly will have a few possibilities for saving. But everyone within 20 miles of us is a lost cause, every city west of here as far as the coast in California has been wiped out except for a handful of lucky survivors. Only cities east are going to have survivors. I would bet our lives nobody is planning on head west to Cleveland walking is asking to get bit. Let's go."

She just realized his clones disappeared and the zombies lay in a pile. Poorly shaping the words "THIS CITY IS DOOMED, SURVIVOR COUNT ZERO I WAS THE LAST ONE TOO LEAVE IF YOU SEE THIS TRAVEL TOO ............ COORDINATES YOU WILL FIND PARADISE."

"That's sick." She said pointing at the bodies.

"Actually I was planning on the green car across the street, I saw it earlier and thought it looked just like your car. You drive I navigate and slay any undead who hear us. But we will be stopping far enough away that we don't  bring zombies to Lilly. Then again...." remembering Bryan was with her "we drive the whole way they have a the best snipers still alive."


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177 Reviews


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Thu Apr 09, 2015 9:55 pm
Chaser wrote a review...



Since this is still here...

Well then, I liked this chapter. It's a bit out-of-the-blue, but you might just be able to get away with it. Since nitpicks are done with, I'll stick to fundamentals.

I feel like I say this too often, but scenic detail is very much recommended here. How does Kevin notice Leonie? Through a window? With omni-goggles?

What does the barrier look like? Like a giant bubble, or laced with circuits and all techy-looking? What color is it?

What does Kevin look like when he's fighting? The holo-clones are a really cool idea, so I want to picture them fighting. Do they move in sync? Differently?

Zombies. Undead description is always a huge plus. Their rotten, dangling limbs, their torn shoulders, their ragged bones, and other gruesome details. It'll put a stronger picture into the reader's mind as opposed to you just saying "zombie."

How does the slap feel? Does it sting both inside and out? What's Leonie's expression?

Again, the streets. Description desired.

As for the dialogue, it would be pretty realistic and enjoyable if it were grammatically correct. But you know how that song and dance goes.

Again, you're doing well so far. Just keep writing, keep editing, and keep thinking. I'm sorry if I sound unreasonable, but I do think you could benefit greatly from detail and setting. Good luck.


-Chaser




kevin25a says...


Scenic details aren't normally important in zombie stories, but since I opted to place it a thousand years from now it could be I guess. Kevin noticed Leonie because he followed the scanner showing every living person left, then looked in her direction. The dialogue is realistic because a lot of it actually happened between me and my ex Leonie, it's how the emotions in it are so realistic. The barrier makes her and everything in it transparent and silent to everything outside, obviously it doesn't look like anything but air so it's color is transparent. Leonie said it looked like he was dancing. Just picture a bunch of 360s if you don't have an idea for a blade dancer type fighter. Zombies look like zombies, some half eaten, limbs hanging out of their gut. Some missing an arm, some with no obvious bites. I left that to the imagination of each reader, it's not because I'm bad at giving descriptions I wouldn't even if I was great at it. Leonie is a hateful angry ex girlfriend, that much should have been obvious in the story. If I have to describe a hateful angry ex girlfriend you need to watch a couple romance movies.



kevin25a says...


Scenic details aren't normally important in zombie stories, but since I opted to place it a thousand years from now it could be I guess. Kevin noticed Leonie because he followed the scanner showing every living person left, then looked in her direction. The dialogue is realistic because a lot of it actually happened between me and my ex Leonie, it's how the emotions in it are so realistic. The barrier makes her and everything in it transparent and silent to everything outside, obviously it doesn't look like anything but air so it's color is transparent. Leonie said it looked like he was dancing. Just picture a bunch of 360s if you don't have an idea for a blade dancer type fighter. Zombies look like zombies, some half eaten, limbs hanging out of their gut. Some missing an arm, some with no obvious bites. I left that to the imagination of each reader, it's not because I'm bad at giving descriptions I wouldn't even if I was great at it. Leonie is a hateful angry ex girlfriend, that much should have been obvious in the story. If I have to describe a hateful angry ex girlfriend you need to watch a couple romance movies.



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Sun Mar 29, 2015 12:59 pm
Minniax wrote a review...



Hello, I will do my best to look over and review your work :).

Why did she gave to... ugh" he realized the zombies didn't she him yet so he hid in the shadows becoming one with the darkness as he calls it.

Gave should be have and she should be see.

If you do leave me alone your or try I will kill you, but the way things are I wouldn't get 5 blocks myself.

I don't quite understand this sentence. I'm not even sure how to reword it because I don't know what she is trying to say.

He looked at his omni-phone and saw the only one SOS left in Cleveland and to far to reach "damn I was not fast enough. I pray your soul can last a few weeks.

He looked at his omni-phone and saw that there was only one SOS left in Cleveland and it was too far for him to reach. "Damn, I wasn't fast enough, I pray your soul can last a few more weeks."

Not my day isn't bad so long as I have you alive at my side, angry and hateful or not if I know you are alive and safe my day can't go bad your country was actually the first on my to save list actually, and BECAUSE of it being where I assumed you were.

No, my day isn't bad so long as I have you alive at my side. Angry, hateful, or not, if I know you are alive and safe, my day cannot be a bad one. Your country was actually the first on my 'to save' list, because of it being where I assumed you were.

"What do you mean?" Without waiting he took her hand she saw him copy data to her omni-phone and then kissed her hand.

Missing a period after the quotes and a period after hand. I feel like it should say "She saw him copy data to her omni-phone, and then he took her hand and kissed it." The repetition of the word hand throws me off a bit.

Oh yes scuba diving with you and another woman I never met lovely plan." He cut her off

Missed a period at the end.

Suddenly Kevin's omni-phone lit up and he looked up and saw zombies swarming a house stopped and saw him.

Again, I'm not sure what is being said here at the end. The zombies were swarming the house because they saw him?

She said our loud, "he looks like he is dancing around and his blades just seem to flow with the air." Lilly snapped her back to reality saying, "yeah he does that sometimes.

I underlines a few things.

The scanner you saw me use was reading the lives left in Cleveland and brookpark everyone in Cleveland right now is already dead or undead. Besides us, nobody is waiting in a house or corner or behind a desk like a couple blocks back.

Missed period.

But everyone within 20 miles of us is a lost cause. Every city west of here as far as the coast in California has been wiped out except for a handful of lucky survivors.

A missed period.

"we drive the whole way they have a the best snipers still alive snipers."

Lastly, I'm also confused by the ending of this sentence, "they have a the best snipers still alive snipers.". I'm assuming you're trying to say, "they have the best snipers and they are still alive."

There was quite a bit of missed comma usage as well, but I'm not good enough with commas myself to sit here and correct you xD.




kevin25a says...


Yeah I only recently started to understand commas, someone helped me by pointing out and describing them simple enough. I already was six chapters in by then. I will go back and redo that mistake eventually though. I didn't realize all the typos so I will do it now. Some of your underlined stuff wasn't a mistake though. You did point out a couple sentences I worded wrong by accident too thanks. I will fix all the mistakes you mentioned now though.



kevin25a says...


Yeah I only recently started to understand commas, someone helped me by pointing out and describing them simple enough. I already was six chapters in by then. I will go back and redo that mistake eventually though. I didn't realize all the typos so I will do it now. Some of your underlined stuff wasn't a mistake though. You did point out a couple sentences I worded wrong by accident too thanks. I will fix all the mistakes you mentioned now though.



kevin25a says...


Not sure how it double posted that but it's not the first bug that only started occurring today for me. I fixed all the typos, punctuation errors, and poorly worded sentences you pointed out plus a couple you missed. Thanks again for pointing them out and bringing them to my attention. :)




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