Why?

by july4ruby

Published April 27, 2010

In Poetry

What have I done?
What is my crime?
Is it that I am still alive?

Why do you want me to change,
from who I really am?
Is it because I can speak up my mind?

Why do you want,
to control my life?
Is it because It's still my own?

Why can't you,
leave me alone once in a while?
Is it because I ask Why?

Comments & reviews · 5
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dante93
Review
dante93 wrote a review Review · Apr 29, 2010

Nice short poem. It is simple at first, but contains a very deep meaning. I like it, though one of the above comments is right with the question begin a little overloaded. Be careful of that, and in the future, throw a little more detail in there. But overall it was good.

User avatar
Yuriiko
Review
Yuriiko wrote a review Review · Apr 29, 2010

Hello there, july!

Nice and it was a direct poem. The rhyming was well done and so with the flow to it.

Why do you want,
to control my life?
Is it because It's still my own?


I think it would be "It's" to "it's". Aside from this, good job! :wink:

Keep on writing!

Peace out! :D

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ireylcadence
Review
ireylcadence wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2010

Very lyrical indeed. :)

You might, however, want to read this out loud to yourself. Though overall, the syllables flow very well, there are some parts where the rhythm stumbles, or gets confusing.

For example:

Why can't you,
leave me alone once in a while?


Keep on writing! You seem to have great potential.

User avatar
fhwdf
Review
fhwdf wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2010

I really like the message you're putting across here. The last line particularly is very poignant - brilliant, I love the way you link back to the title. You might want to be careful that you don't overload on the questions, though, because it feels a little bit swamped by question marks. Maybe split it up a little bit with other things, though I can see that you might not want to do that for this poem because it would mess up the verses. Don't worry, it's just something to think about for next time.

PassionForAPen wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2010

Hello!
I quite liked this poem, its different.
I like the way you kept up the ''Why?'' question throughout,
Sometimes its hard to keep your idea going but you
Did a good job of it here,

I like ''Why do you want me to change, from who I really am? Is it because I can speak up my mind''?
This gives a wonderful image of perhaps someone who is a little bit of a rebel, not caring what anyone else thinks, not fitting in to the mould but not wanting to, questioning why they cant be themselves, and this is a significant thing these days i think among teenagers.

So well done,
I liked it alot,
:D

Keep up the writing!!



Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca