Live, Breathe and Die

Live ,Breath and Die

There are a couple of mistakes in your title. First, the spacing of the comma is off. Secondly, it should be "breathe" rather than "breath". "Breath" is the noun; "breathe" is the verb.

Like the first cackle of a newborn baby,

"Cackle" just strikes me as a very odd word to use here since generally cackling is used to describe the laughter of old women.

when the candles burn itself

"Itself" is a singular pronoun, so the line should read either "when the candle burns itself" or "when the candles burn themselves".

That said, every line in this poem ends with a piece of punctuation. Why? Poetry follows the same conventions as regular writing generally, meaning that if you were to take this poem and write it out like regular prose, it should still be readable and grammatically correct. Because you have punctuation at the end of every line, often in places that are improper, you disrupt the flow of ideas, which in turn disrupts the flow of how your poem is read. I suggest that you punctuate this poem properly.

I am afraid that I'll have to disagree with TheTruthLiesWithin about the capitalization. The "rule" that every line has to be capitalized in a poem is actually untrue, and the way you have things capitalized according to punctuation is just fine. I was actually pleasantly surprised to see your capitalization.

As far as your content goes, it's not bad, but it's not particularly original. A lot of the imagery you use is common. Next time, I suggest you try and get a bit more creative. Find ways you've never heard of before to describe whatever it is you are describing. It will make your poem more unique and memorable.

An example of this is the poem He Could Sing a Song. The imagery in it was so unique, that even though I read it months ago, it still sticks in my head. It's one of my most favorite poems on YWS because it described something so uniquely, and puzzling out what it was describing was such a challenge. If you can incorporate such unique imagery into your poem, it will make your poetry much stronger.

Good luck.

Hey there July!

First for the title, I would think breathe would come before live? It's just a suggestion but I think 'Breathe, Live and Die', sounds better in a logic way

July4ruby wrote:
I'm beginning;
Like the dawn,
That illuminates every corner,
And brightens the world.
Like the candle that gives hope,
And lightens the way.
Like the first cackle of a newborn baby,
Full of joy and expectations.
The lingering faith,
And the belief of a better future.Love this first verse, the imagery is great. I believe you are referring to living here, as of your title?

I'm almost there;
But there is still much road left ,
So much hope on the way. 'Filled with so much hope And so many things to expect' It's just a suggestion.
So many things to expect.
Like a child ,
That still has a whole life full of possibilities
Like a candle that has just started burning ,
Or the sun that has just risen.

I'm there;
I've finally found it.found what? I'm not completely sure what you are talking about here...
Like the mountaineer ,
That has reached the peak.
Victory! The sweet smell,
That intoxicates the mind and soul of dreamers.
When the sun shines from his blinding light, I feel like the most is not the right word here
And the stars gleam like fireworks in the night sky.
When a child finds his dreams fulfilled. And those two about breathing?

I'm returning;
The journey back,
When dusk comes and the sun sets,
When the candles burn itself.
When a baby grows old and dies,
But still smiles from heaven above.
Like the travelers that come back home,
After a long tiresome journey.And then the dying.

I have journeyed and I have come back,
But achieved so much on the way....When starting a line, the first word should be capitalized. I see that you've done it for some then not on others but keep it constant.

In red, suggestions of things you could change and in bold, some comments

I really enjoyed the poem, it was really nice. I love the comparison and metaphors you are using in this and the imagery is great. It all makes it tie in together really great. You write really well. I loved it
Keep writing!

-Truth-