A new year has begun
another new day
another rising sun
Many new thoughts
many new hopes
this coming year has brought
Coming to new conclusions
after the past year
and probably making new resolutions
I the end wishing you all
the luck and happiness
in your lap may fall
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While I thought you did a good job conveying the point you were trying to make, this poem lacked emotion. No one is going to connect to your work if it does not have that human element to it. Otherwise it just reads like a grocery list or one of those horribly written Hallmark cards. Either way, you can do so much better.
What do you feel as the New Year approaches? Regret, apprehension, joy, excitement, loneliness? Figure it out and then expand on it in this piece. Keep writing!
Hi July! I'm Kat. And I'd like to congratulate you, because you are now my 300th review. So, party!
I've come to figure I actually like other poetry for the poems simplicity. This poem, as is obvious on a first year, has very common language and it's good that way (even though some better words here and there wouldn't hurt), but it's simplicity is what strikes me. There was only one time where I was confused:
You talk a bout new, but then you say this new year brought. The year hasn't passed yet, so you'll need to use the future: will bring. I understand it must have been done like that because of the rhyme, but you shouldn't build a poem around the rhymes, but let the rhymes flow into the poem. Or it'll turn out like this.
Plus, I agree with empress' corrections ^.^
Thanks for posting!
- Kat
It seems like a poem that belongs on a card. Easy to read and enjoy, but not very deep.
It was a cute poem, but there was no substance to get hooked on.
Metaphors, imagery, all of that good stuff will help poems become deeper. Show don't tell!
Your rhyming scheme was consistent and clear, however, you seemed to kind of butcher the rhythm in the process of perfecting it.
Some warning signs for botched rhythm: random long lines spouting out, and yoda speak
"Make a resolution this new year, I will."
which isn't necessarily wrong, per se, but sometimes if its really a stretch, it will jar the reader out of the rhythm of your poem to go, "What?"
You may want to shift some things around so it flows better but, besides that, it was a pretty good poem. Fix those things and it could be great.
xxooxx
Happy New Years
******The Universe******
Very interesting, I especially like the first five lines. After the first five lines I feel like it gets confusing. Perhaps punctuation would help to define your thoughts?
Or maybe line breaks between thoughts would help?