Pay Heed!

Hey Ruby! Overall I really liked this poem, it really gave me a sort of fairy tale feel which I really like. The rhymes didn't feel too forced, and I liked how some stanzas didn't even rhyme at all, they just had words that looked like they could rhyme. So here are some of the adjustments I would do, that I think could improve the poem.

Pay heed to this advice ,ye strange adventurer traveler
and venture not in there,
for there, ye will find darkness
and dangers everywhere.

In these caves yonder
thou will find strange evils rule,
that are beyond thy wildest dreams.
So turn back now!_(Space there)ye shouldn't do not be a fool.

Nay,_sweet maiden!replied the stranger
I shalt not be known as a coward,
and will gather mine courage
to take a bold step forward.

If thy shall be so resolute,_said the maiden
in thy impulsive decision,
then I must take it upon myself,
to give thee some caution.

Always be on thy guard,_adventurer
lest thou should be caught unawares,
then none can stop thee,
from being caught in their devilish snares.

Once thy hath gotten thy prize,
be as quick as ye can be,
for they hath spies everywhere,
the peril will stay upon thee.

Why art though troubled?_Asked the adventurer he
for I face such troubles everyday,
this adventure is none other
than a thorn in the way.

With this proud declaration,
the brave stranger entered the vile place,
leaving the worried maiden,
staring at the caves entrance.

I haven't read your previous poem, but I will definitely check it out. I enjoyed this poem quite bit. It's short, simple yet very interesting. It kept my focus and didn't trail away. Your Old English is quite good, I must say. This poem reminded me of those Medieval fairy tales or epic hero stories. You're quite good at this. I most enjoyed the conversation between the maiden and the stranger, which was what kept my interest. The Old English complimented that quite well. A little more spice and spark to the story would add immensely to the poem. As June mentioned above, it's rather predictable. So you've got the right idea, just develop the story a bit more.

Good luck!

Hey, Ruby!

This isn't bad. I cannot critique much in the waywards of style and all, but you grasped narrative well in this and versed in in archaic language fluently. Thumbs up.

I'm not sure how much relevance suggesting adding imagery to this has. I like the poem; it's simple and easy to read, but I feel like it's missing something. You have the rhyme and the language, but I feel like it needs something more to make it kick.

I will say this, though! Give your narration a boost, and take it out of the usual pattern that prose uses. If you remove all of the line breaks here, it sounds like a story, which is good in some ways! The only thing is that it's kind of predictable, and a touch lifeless this way, whereas it could easily be made into something much more lively.

June

Hi there

Lydia has all the grammatical errors, but poetry doesn't have to be grammatical. (Sorry, Lyd!) I like the whole no-capital-letter thing, but I will redeem myself by saying that she's right about everything else.

Now, onto the fun stuff! (I'm being really mean to Lydia today, aren't I? Sorry, dear, I don't mean it deliberately!)

Well, your rhythm was a little off, and your rhyming was a little forced. But I really liked it, so if you correct that, it's great. I agree that the other was better, but this is also really well done.

Hope I helped
~Grin

Hello, I'm Lydia and I will be you reviewer today,

Firstly I will start off by saying that I thought you did a very good job with the old English. I have to confess that I havn't read your other poem in old English so I can't make any comparisons but maybe thats a good thing. Right lets get straight to it, my comments will be in red.

july4ruby wrote:Pay heed to this advice ,ye strange adventurer You need a period in here, a comma will suffice.
and venture not in there, You could end the sentence here instead of using a comma because otherwise your fist stanza is just one sentence.
for there, ye will find darkness
and dangers everywhere.

I I believe that this should be in these caves yonder
thou will find strange evils rule,
that are beyond thy wildest dreams
so turn back now! CAPITAL LETTER!! ye shouldn't be a fool.

Nay,sweet maiden! Again don't forget Capital letters replied the stranger Again a comma is needed here
I shalt not be known as a coward,
and will gather mine courage
to take a bold step forward.

If thy shall be so resolute,said the maiden
in thy impulsive decision,
then I must take it upon myself,
to give thee some caution.

Always be on thy guard,adventurer
lest thou should be caught unawares,
then none can stop thee,
from being caught in their devilish snares. This creates a good image! Well Done

Once thy hath gotten thy prize,
be as quick as ye can be,
for they Is there an old English word for they, because if there is I think you should use it in because as it stands it sounds too modern hath spies everywhere,
the peril will stay upon thee.

Why art though troubled?asked the adventurer
for I face such troubles You could change troubles to trials just because its sounds odd having troubles so soon after troubled everyday,
this adventure is none other
than a thorn in the way.

With this proud declaration,
the brave stranger entered the vile place, You need to lose a few syllables in here, this can be done with a little bit of re-wording
leaving the worried maiden,
staring at the caves entrance.

:- As my first poem in old english got such good response so I have written another.I don't think It's as good as the first but I am still posting it.I had a lot of trouble with the punctuation so suggestions are welcomed.I hope you like it.