Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“What is it?” I asked and she looked right through me. Embarrassment flowed to my face, am I so ignorant?
As her gaze stayed beyond me she whispered, “You will come with us tonight.”
As I waited in the sunroom, America came back and forth tapping Marge.
“‘Rica, when the moon shines.” She squealed every time Marge reminded her.
When the time came America screamed enough to fill the entire house. Her hands flapped and she ran to the door, Richard holding it closed so she wouldn’t speed out. After Marge’s response to my first question, I decided not to ask anymore. We filed out the door into the foggy night. The crowd stayed silent on our walk, as if when the sun went down their voices stopped working. I turned my head to get insight from Linda, all she gave me was her usual upturned face.
Richard first stepped onto the sand, taking his shoes off and leaving them by the brush. Then Rica did the same, followed by the rest of the assembly line. We proceeded to the shore. Richard waded in the water, walking in until the water hit his neck. The coastal breeze held my body still as we watched. His head was barely noticeable in the dark; I could’ve mistaken it for a buoy.
Then he trudged out, sitting on the sand. America started to do the same and my body hurled after her, Linda swiftly held my arm and stared into me until I stepped back into my imprinted feet. My chest pounded, how could she not drown? America couldn’t go into the fucking ocean by herself, I wanted to scream for help but everyone stood like the brush where our shoes lay. Richard sat with his arms resting on his legs, opening himself to the water. Moments later she followed Richard’s ways by wading back out and sitting down. Each member did the same one, by one.
Until I was left.
Their wet bodies stuck to the sand while my dryness drifted in the wind. The waves seemed to pull me in. The water pierced my feet. If I had been alone, I would shriek in pain but none of them had. The eyes held on me told me to follow through. I wallowed in until it was to my neck, then the sudden pull. A rush sunk down my feet and my head underwater. Out of fear, I sucked in real deep, but no water filled my lungs. In automation, my lungs continued to fill with air running through my veins. I sunk deeper like a balloon floating to the ceiling, no child to catch my string. The blackness surrounded me with hints of its illuminance. Then the memories came.
“I’m okay mama. Don’t be afraid.” It was Evie.
My eyes opened as I gasped for air. My head stayed afloat, my hair’s wisps flowing in the wind. I treaded onto the sand as the tears fell with the salty waters. I wailed on the earth gasping for a breath. Richard walked over to me, watching my aching heart pour into the waters.
He looked down at me, “It knows what you did Lucile.”
My snot-covered face looked up at him in horror. My pain, my secrets. I wanted to be small and fade out into the algae. He knelt down by my side and rubbed down my back, “Welcome to my way, the truth and the light.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hey there! I'm Roxanne, and I'm here with a review for this suspenseful story. :]
To start with, I must say that you've crafted a super mysterious tale that, for some reason, seems to hint at fantasy as well. It's pretty interesting that you started the story with a question, it immediately made me curious.
Your writing style in general is beautiful, it sets the atmosphere and ambience so perfectly, almost as if it has a sort of vintage feel to it with the mystery. For example, this part:
Eeeerie! I love how you compared it to the setting sun, it just adds to the intrigue. The main character's thoughts and actions are so well portrayed, because one can relate to it easily as a reader. For instance her confusion, and reluctance to get in the water at first.
However, like 4revgreen pointed out, I found myself a bit disoriented within the story due to the confusion about who was speaking at times, especially at the beginning. Additionally, your characters have names (which are really nice!), but I found little description of their appearances or insight into their personalities. The same goes for the setting, I feel like the story could have used more descriptions of their surroundings. This would've definitely made it more interesting, especially since they are on a shore.
Aside from the descriptions, you've written a story packed with suspense and tension. It's like the secrets are bulging out of it. But it feels a bit unfinished, the mystery is there, but it's not solved. It's like something you could read as a prologue. Especially because we are presented with this chilling dialogue :
O-oh, what did Lucile do?
I think that it really has the potential to be expanded a bit more. But of course, do keep in mind; these are merely suggestions and considering them is entirely up to you.
That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!
Adieu!
Roxanne
This was so mysterious and intriguing and I nEED to know what was going on. It was so eerie and unsettling, building up tension slowly until there's this sort of transformation in the water. I understand leaving it ambiguous, but I think sprinkling in a little more context would help!!
Some suggestions/likes:
In general, though this is a good opening, it's a bit confusing to who is speaking. If you replaced the first 'She' with the name i think it would work, i'm not sure if it's America or Marge speaking in the second line.
You may want to remove the second 'as' as it repeats, maybe: 'I waited in the sunroom as American can back and forth, tapping Marge'
This was a brilliant paragraph. It's so creepy, yet you're not sure what is happening. It may be innocent, it may not be! I loved the ' I could’ve mistaken it for a buoy.' so simple and yet i immediately pictured exactly what you meant!
<3
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the vicious S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - There’s an odd cult called “My way, the truth and the light” which involves a ritual of going deep into the water and coming right back up. Yet something’s not right about the water, something’s not right about the whole operation, as a matter of fact…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I personally have no recommendations to make, but if you wanted to put, you could put the memory with Evie in italics to solidify how far away the memory is.
Chocolate Bar - I just love how strange everyone in this story is acting, it leads me to want to find out the nature of this cult and why everyone is acting the way that they are. Lucile seems to be the only one with her head on straight, or so I think. She’s understandably terrified of the ritual and from reading this, I get the feeling that she wants to protect America from the evils of the cult, from the malice of what they do.
Closing Graham Cracker - A rightly unsettling short story on what the cult could potentially be capable of. I was a little spooked while reading this but mostly intrigued as to what their motives may be. Whatever did Lucile do? Is there a sentient, cosmic being watching them? Or something more? Hmm…
I wish you a delightful day/night! ^v^